I did it

I have been a little off kilter of late.  Not binging, per se, but a little bit more generous in my bites and tastes here and there.  Yesterday, I decided that, rather than going for 100% on plan, I would simply have an all Medifast day and then my lean & green.  Ok, that sounds like the same thing, I know.  But, for me, saying "I'm going to be 100% On Plan for 2 weeks" just felt like too much pressure.  But to say "Here are my meals, this is what I will eat today.  Tomorrow will take care of itself." was so much more doable.  And calming.  I'm not sure exactly why it is different - this is what I do most days.  But this journey, more than anything else, is a journey of the mind.  And in my mind, this was different.

So, I went along yesterday, eating my meals, not really even caring about anything else.  Until dinner time.  I was cooking tater tots for Dad.  Not even thinking, I popped on in my mouth to test to see if they were done.  Nope.  So 5 minutes later, I did it again.  It took 4 tater tots to deem them ready to eat.  Now, had I been going for the "100% OP" thing, that would have spelled doom.  Instead, I said "oops, I didn't mean to do that.  I need to find a different means of testing those things".  Had I been going for 100%, the next step would have been tasting the ice cream when I dished it up - especially that big solid salty dark chocolate piece that was just sitting there waiting for me.  I gave it to Dad.  I didn't even lick my fingers because, you know, I hadn't actually failed yet.

In bed, Felix The Cat and I shared our bag o' bites.  And my mind kept telling me that I could have something more.  I didn't need it, but my mind played these very familiar games.  "Nutrition Support says you can have a 6th meal if you need it".  "You are probably in great shape for carbs, you can fit this in.", etc.  However, I didn't need an extra meal.  I wasn't hungry.  And I wasn't fighting binge demons.  No, what I was fighting was HABIT.  Three times, my foot started to come out of bed to go get a bar, or a bag of cereal, or some pretzels.  And three times, before my foot hit the floor, I said, out loud, "NO" and pulled the limb back under the covers.  And picked up my book and continued reading.  I have no doubt, though, that had I given in to the habit, the binge demons would have woken up and started screaming.  And I know how that would have ended.

So, in the end, I did quite well.  I avoided 2 big habits of mine - tasting the ice cream and grabbing an extra meal in bed.  And, this morning again, I woke up glad I had not given in.  And, today again, I have my food planned out.  This is what I will eat today.  The one variable in today's plan is that I am off and my son is cooking dinner.  So I really have no idea what we will be having.  Likely, we will go out as he is not feeling well - he has a molar that has him in agony and will not be feeling like eating.  But, that is tonight.  I will handle that.  Today is sunny, warm and full of possibilities.