On Vacation

I just got back last night from a week vacation.  It was great to get away and let someone else be the hyper-responsible one for a while.  I went back to Florida where I used to live to visit friends.  Sigh.  It was 80 degrees when I boarded the plane yesterday.  It was 28 degrees when I walked the dog back home this morning.

I am pleased to report that I did not gain any weight while I was gone.  I didn't really try, but this was how it worked out.  I did go to the store to buy some vegetables and hummus so I had things to eat.  The man I stayed with eats in a very odd way (to me).  He basically eats once a day, often not until midnight.  At some point during the late afternoon/evening, he starts to decide what he "has a taste for" and what "goes with the day".  Um, what???  So, as a result, at 8:30 pm he is marinating steaks.  We ate a lovely dinner of steak and salad that night.  At midnight.  So I didn't sit around and snack.  I didn't overeat.  I simply tried to make good choices when we did eat. 

The trip itself was surreal.  I have moved away from lots of places in my life, but I have rarely gone back.  It has been almost 3 1/2 years since I left Florida to come back to Spokane, WA to care for my parents.  In those years, just about nothing had changed.  I felt like I was either asleep and dreaming or that I had dreamed the last 3 1/2 years.  I walked into my old office and wondered who moved my desk.  I met with old friends who seem to have not changed at all - with the exception of my old boss who has lost about 100 lbs since I left.  I asked him how he did it.  He said "I stopped doing what I shouldn't and started doing what I should".  I'm sure there is more to it, but it's amazing how much good one can do when you stop eating a half gallon of ice cream each night.

So, I'm home now.  I am happy I went, and happy to be home.  I missed my "stuff" and my people.  And I'm ready to get back to work.

I deserve it

I was reading a blog this morning where the blogger was ruminating on this phrase - "I deserve it".  I have used this phrase so many times when I wanted something.  Usually, when I wanted to eat something.  So, now I am thinking about this, too.

What makes me think that I deserve to treat my body like a garbage can?  Is that truly what I deserve?  Do I deserve to make myself sick, make my stomach hurt, make my head spin and my heart pound all because of some piece of sludge that I want to put into my mouth?  Sure, I deserve to relax, unwind and let go, but is this really what I am doing when I do this?

Or, instead, maybe what I really deserve is to be healthy, happy, calm and in control.  Maybe I deserve the grander things in life and not the sugar, fat and salt that my demented brain thinks it deserves.  Perhaps I am seeking a state of just not having to think by the repeated motion of putting things in my mouth.  And, if that is what I am seeking, then why isn't the repeated motion of putting celery into my mouth enough?

Deep thoughts this morning.  The head game continues.

My resignation

I don't make New Year's Resolutions.  Instead, what I do is to dedicate my year to a particular lesson.  Some lessons take multiple years.  I think this may be one of them.

This year, my lesson was to learn to just let things be.  Let it go and let it happen.  To "accept the things I cannot change".  Basically, to resign as CEO of the Universe.

One thing I have realized is that it is time to let Medifast go.  I have been struggling with a binge issue for months.  And I am seeing that, for me, the "all or nothing-ness" of Medifast lends itself to binging.  Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful program.  I would not be at the weight I am without it.  At least not at this point.  And I'm not saying that I won't use it again.  I have learned many good lessons from it, as well.  But it is so unforgiving.  One wrong bite on the 5&1 and you can kick yourself out of ketosis, and once I have done that I may as well just continue until tomorrow.  And tomorrow comes and I may as well put if off another day since I won't be back in the "fat burn" state for a couple of days.

Weight Watchers doesn't do that.  I had a small blow out on Friday this week on protein bars.  I ate 6 of them in one day.  But what would have been a major issue, leading to more and more eating, was just something that I used my Weekly points for.  And not even all of them.  So, yes, it qualifies as binge because, as I define it, I was eating out of control, eating things I didn't really want, eating when I wasn't hungry, and eating in secret.  But it was sort of like a 'controlled burn', if you will.  And on Sunday, I was even down on the scale.  Not much - only 0.2 - but down nonetheless.  Weight Watchers is not a fast loss program, so I don't expect a lot.  I just don't want to go in the other direction.  And I would like to ease the last 20 lbs off.  Or maintain here.  I am really not picky at this point.

I have so many other things going on and I really can't afford to worry about them all.  As a matter of fact, worrying is a wasted emotion.  It avoids no crisis and gets nothing done.  All it does is wear away at my own health.  And while watching my strong, unflappable Father disappear I am being forced to realize that there are things over which I simply have no control.  This is one of them. And instead of being frustrated with him because he is having a particularly "dumb" day, I have to accept that this is how it is.  And it isn't going to get better.  If I fight his decline, I am harming his fragile hold on his pride and I am harming my own soul.

Now, that is not to say that I don't, on occasion, fight it.  I do.  I get frustrated.  I get angry.  I get sad.  And none of that has helped anything.  It hasn't slowed the rate of his demise and it hasn't added to my own peace in the situation.  So I need to let it go.  Accept this thing that I cannot change.  Accept that there are some games in which I have no player.  Let other people work out their own lives without my intervention. Give those I love the gift of unconditional acceptance and love that everyone needs and deserves.

Here it is the middle of October and I am still working on this one.   I have the feeling that it will be a multi-year process.  I will tackle the "change those things that I can" and "the wisdom to know the difference" later.  Right now, today, this is a big enough challenge.

Weight Watchers Simply Filling Technique

I used the old WW Core program for a couple of years and was quite successful with it.  I am back to it again after spending 14 months on Medifast.  But, as usual, I don't do anything by the book.  I wonder why that is?

Anyway, here is how I follow the Core/SFT program.  I make a few tweaks here and there.  But if, or when, they stop working for me, I will change them.

1.  I use both the Core and the SFT list combined.  They added a few things and took a few away.  They added such things as light bread and removed such things as chicken thighs, Canadian bacon, olives and avocados.  I use consider them all to be Core foods.  The first thing that will be removed if this doesn't work will be the bread.  I can eat me some bread!

2.  I use low fat cheese rather than fat free.  I don't use much cheese anyway, so I don't think it will be an issue.  If it becomes on, I will cut out cheese altogether rather than using fat free cheese.

3.  I will use products not on the list if they are nutritionally equal.  For instance, Ezekiel 4:9 plain cereal is considered a Core food, but Grape Nuts is not even though the ingredients are similar.  The main difference is that Ezekiel uses whole grains whereas Grape Nuts uses the same things but in flour form..  I will use Grape Nuts ($3/box as opposed to $6) or the store brand equivalent. I also have some Ezekiel 4:9 that are not plain with the same nutritional info as the plain that I bought on sale.  I will eat those, too.  The same goes for Spelt Flakes and another flaked cereal I used to eat (I forget the name).

4.  I do not drink milk.  I do not drink soy milk.  I use unsweetened vanilla almond milk as my dairy requirement.  True, it does not have much protein.  That is not an issue - I get plenty of protein in my diet.

These are things I need to do in order to make this a liveable program for my life.  I spent 14 months eating tiny portions, so I think my portion control has gotten a good resetting.  If I find I am eating too much food, I will switch over to counting points to recalibrate it.

That said, I had an issue yesterday with the protein bars.  I still am within my weekly points (35 - I don't have my PP calculator anymore, so I am using the Points one), but it would qualify as a binge for me as I was in so much pain.  I definitely ate way past satisfaction.  So, I am back on day one binge free.  I really did expect this, though.  I had a box of bars delivered that I ordered before deciding to return to WW.  But I figured I would spend my 35 weeklies on this, and I did.  I just didn't think I would in such pain.  Lesson learned. 

Two weeks binge free

Hello, my name is Sue and I am a compulsive overeater.  It has been 2 weeks since my last binge.

Now, this may not sound like such a great accomplishment to some, but this is the longest I have gone without a blow out since April, I believe.  I decided 2 weeks ago to stop eating in bed.  For some reason, that has turned into a problem for me.  I didn't used to binge until about 3 years ago.  And now, the binges occur when I am laying in bed reading.  I start getting in and out of bed and the routine becomes to entrenched then than I nearly wear a path in my carpet.

So, since I can't seem to control this, I decided to not eat in bed at all.  I have my last meal earlier in the evening when Dad is having his nightly bowl of ice cream - usually during Jeopardy.  And now, some days, I almost forget that last meal, so I  am thinking of moving that 5th meal to afternoon, before dinner, since that is my really hungry, cold time of day.  That way I won't have to space the meals so far apart.  And then have my usual SF Jello cup with Dad.

Also, I have stopped drinking anything iced in the afternoons.  I get SOOOOO cold, particularly if it is cloudy and icky outside.  So I only drink room temperature water.  I have a water bottle that I just keep filling and let it sit for a bit since the water comes out of the tap fairly cold.

I have really struggled this year with the binging issue.  I mean, seriously struggled.  Sure, I have lost weight.  But it has been such a struggle to do so.  So this is a major victory for me.  And I wanted to share.

It is official

I am officially transitioning off of Medifast.  Like that is anything new, really.  I haven't eaten any MF food in some time.  I do eat the occasional meal replacement, but mostly it has been real food that I eat.  I am minding my carbs, but increasing my calories and carb load gradually to fall into a more normal area.  I am using Sparkpeople more than I was to track my food so that I have an idea of where I am.  I want to get to where I am simply using the old Weight Watcher CORE program that I used several years ago.  To me, it was the best program invented.  I may actually use the newer Simply Filling lists but the old points - mainly because I gave my WW materials to a friend and only have my old calculator now. 

Anyway, I feel good, I am not binging (it has been more than a week since my last binge!) and am maintaining my weight.  At the moment, I am comfortable with where I am.

I would like to lose another 10 or 20 lbs, but I am not stressing over it.  When I start stressing over it, I will do something more - like going back on Medifast for a while.  But, for now, I am basically using my food lists and eating every 2 1/2 - 3 hours.  I am expanding my lists, too.  I made a muffin today with flax seed and blueberries but no flour.  It was very good, bigger than the Medifast meals, and healthy.

So this is my current plan.  My thighs are sore today from all of the Warrior II positions we did in yoga on Sunday.  I actually enjoy the feeling of knowing my muscles are there.  LOL - who knew?

Feeling better

Just a short post to say that I am feeling much better than I was on Sunday.  I am doing well with not eating in bed.  Since I can't seem to control myself, I need to just avoid it altogether.  I have had to stop spending my day off watching recorded TV shows from the week because the situation was triggering me to eat.  A lot.  Now, it seems, that the same thing is happening with eating in bed.  I don't think it is so much WHAT I am eating that does it, but rather the repeated action of getting in and out of bed looking for one more thing to eat. 

By bedtime routine is pretty safe, as far as it goes.  I am not a good sleeper.  Losing 120 lbs has not helped that at all.  Because of that, I go to bed and get up at the same time every day, have no TV in my room, no computer, I read for a while before going to sleep and I use a "dawn simulator" alarm clock - it takes 15 minutes to fade down and 30 minutes to fade up to help with the atrocious SAD I realized I still suffer from.  I say "I realized"  because I lived for 12 winters in the South where it was not really an issue.  The lights on the clock are not blue, which is an issue also. 

So my bedtime "hygiene" is good.  But I had taken to eating my last Medifast meal in bed while I was reading, usually sharing with the cat.  But then the "creep" set in.  I would eat my meal.  Then another.  Then another.  And suddenly I am in the routine of bouncing in and out of bed grabbing yet another thing like an automaton.  I would often stop myself from doing it, but it has been a real fight for quite some time.  THAT seems to be the only time that I binge.  In bed. 

So, for the past 2 days I have not eaten in bed.  I have my last meal at the same time that my Dad has his ice cream, while we are watching Jeopardy.  I drink water in bed.  And, you know, I don't even seem to notice the absence of the meal.  Before Medifast, I never ate in bed.  Ever. And the cat is has gotten used to it, since I ran out of BBQ bites for a while anyway.  Instead of being fed, she gets petted.  I think she likes it just as well, and so do I.  She is 16 1/2 - I don't know how many more nights I will have with her, after all.

My sister has lost 135 lbs in the past several years.  She has not really been on any sort of diet.  Any formal diet would cause her to binge.  Including Medifast and Weight Watchers.  She says she has made "small, sustainable changes".  I like that.  Anytime I vow to be 100% perfect, I wind up binging.  So I, too, will make small, sustainable changes.  Along with my 6 small meals a day eating routine and eating every 2 1/2 - 3 hours, not eating in bed is a small sustainable change.  I can do this.  And, so far, it is not pushing my binge buttons.