It is no accident that Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are all celebrated at the Winter Solstice. It is a time of renewal - the shortest day of the year and, thus, the beginning of the rebirth of the sun.
For me, and with the new year fast approaching, it is a time of reflection. A time of giving thanks for all that I have in my life. A time for joy and gratitude, for counting blessings. It is also a time to mourn all that I have lost this past year - feeling it and truly grieving it. Then letting it go. Things will work out the way they need to.
This is a hard Christmas for me. So many sad things this year. So much loss and brokenness. And, yet, so much joy.
So Happy Holy Days to us all. May we all know that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment. And that the Creator has it all under control.
Blessings.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thoughts
Ever since I came back from vacation - and, actually, just before I went - I have had problems staying on program. On any program. I did make it a whole week on the Belly Fat Cure program, which was remarkable for me lately. But I have seen some things going on that I want to get down on "paper" -
- when I get prepared to go on a trip, I get very very stressed. I was going to be seeing a whole lot of people I hadn't seen since I left Florida and I was down more than 100 lbs when I left. Being my typical "fear of success" person, I started eating before I left.
- after getting there, everyone commented on how thin I was, which was the same thing that happened when I came home for Mom & Dad's 60th anniversary 5 years ago. I didn't think I was losing weight for them, but I was certainly looking forward to the accolades. Actually, I would not have gone to Florida if I were not at least as thin as I had been when I left.
- so, after the trip was over, after everyone was 'wowed' at how good I looked, I let down my guard. I did this 5 years ago, and I did it this year. I have eaten back about 12 pounds. The first few, before I left, I didn't feel. I could deny that they were real because my clothes fit exactly the same. But, all of a sudden, the next 5 made a HUGE difference. One week, my shirts fit. The next week, they were tight on my arms and I had a roll around my waist. I can see the difference in my thighs in the mirror, which is odd because we usually don't actually see changes in our bodies.
I do not want to go on a 2 year long eating episode like I did 3 years ago. I want to stop this now. I do not want to go back to feeling ashamed of myself, feeling fat and useless. I know that in the big picture, no "goodies" are worth the burning in my stomach from the sugar or the burning in my heart from the weight gain. But each little bite is really easy to deny. It is so easy to deny a 1" nut cup as being of any consequence. But that one bite leads to 10 more. Then it leads to "lets just get this stuff out of my house" which doesn't mean tossing it. It means eating it. All of it. Now.
During the week that I was on the Belly Fat Cure program, I felt calm. I knew what I could eat and my body felt good. So, today, I am back. I will eat what makes me feel good. I will be mindful of that first bite. Because it is not the finishing off the pie and mincemeat tarts that does the damage. It is that first bite. The one the doesn't seem to matter. Without that first bite, the others will not happen.
Today, I will watch out for that first bite. I will keep in my mind how powerful that first bite is, as tiny as it may be.
- when I get prepared to go on a trip, I get very very stressed. I was going to be seeing a whole lot of people I hadn't seen since I left Florida and I was down more than 100 lbs when I left. Being my typical "fear of success" person, I started eating before I left.
- after getting there, everyone commented on how thin I was, which was the same thing that happened when I came home for Mom & Dad's 60th anniversary 5 years ago. I didn't think I was losing weight for them, but I was certainly looking forward to the accolades. Actually, I would not have gone to Florida if I were not at least as thin as I had been when I left.
- so, after the trip was over, after everyone was 'wowed' at how good I looked, I let down my guard. I did this 5 years ago, and I did it this year. I have eaten back about 12 pounds. The first few, before I left, I didn't feel. I could deny that they were real because my clothes fit exactly the same. But, all of a sudden, the next 5 made a HUGE difference. One week, my shirts fit. The next week, they were tight on my arms and I had a roll around my waist. I can see the difference in my thighs in the mirror, which is odd because we usually don't actually see changes in our bodies.
I do not want to go on a 2 year long eating episode like I did 3 years ago. I want to stop this now. I do not want to go back to feeling ashamed of myself, feeling fat and useless. I know that in the big picture, no "goodies" are worth the burning in my stomach from the sugar or the burning in my heart from the weight gain. But each little bite is really easy to deny. It is so easy to deny a 1" nut cup as being of any consequence. But that one bite leads to 10 more. Then it leads to "lets just get this stuff out of my house" which doesn't mean tossing it. It means eating it. All of it. Now.
During the week that I was on the Belly Fat Cure program, I felt calm. I knew what I could eat and my body felt good. So, today, I am back. I will eat what makes me feel good. I will be mindful of that first bite. Because it is not the finishing off the pie and mincemeat tarts that does the damage. It is that first bite. The one the doesn't seem to matter. Without that first bite, the others will not happen.
Today, I will watch out for that first bite. I will keep in my mind how powerful that first bite is, as tiny as it may be.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Belly Fat Cure
As promised, I weighed in this morning - down 5 lbs. I am happy with this. I am feeling comfortable in my body without the awful stomach issues from Medifast and the constant hunger and cravings and the urge to binge from both Medifast and Weight Watchers.
I know it won't continue at this rate - it never does. But I will continue and see how it goes. I have no intention of worrying about counting anything tomorrow on Thanksgiving. I will be careful until dessert comes. I will eat, drink and be thankful for everything I have been given. As my daughter pointed out last night, my problems are First World "problems" - ie I don't like that brand of shampoo, the store is out of my favorite cereal, etc.
So tomorrow, and every day really, when I wake up in my bed to a warm house, turn on the coffee, feed the dog and decide what I feel like eating for breakfast, I need to acknowledge how very very blessed I am.
I know it won't continue at this rate - it never does. But I will continue and see how it goes. I have no intention of worrying about counting anything tomorrow on Thanksgiving. I will be careful until dessert comes. I will eat, drink and be thankful for everything I have been given. As my daughter pointed out last night, my problems are First World "problems" - ie I don't like that brand of shampoo, the store is out of my favorite cereal, etc.
So tomorrow, and every day really, when I wake up in my bed to a warm house, turn on the coffee, feed the dog and decide what I feel like eating for breakfast, I need to acknowledge how very very blessed I am.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Not ready
I have proven to myself that I am simply not ready for the freedom of Weight Watchers, even though I have had a good deal of success on it in the past. By taking away the barriers and allowing myself to eat anything (but not everything) I want as long as I count for it I have just simply eaten Fiber One brownies and bagels. As a result, for the 3 weeks I was on it, I gained 6 lbs. Not the direction I was planning on. At the same time, I simply cannot go back to Medifast as just looking at the packets makes me want to eat bagels. A lot of bagels. And graham crackers. Etc.
So I have been researching different approaches to eating. I have seen that the most current and scientific research suggests low carb eating is the way to go. I found one program called Belly Fat Cure that intrigues me, so I am going to follow it for a week and see how I feel about it. It is low carb, similar to Atkins, but not a ketosis program - unless, of course, you decide to make it one. On this program you count sugar grams and carb servings. You are allowed 15 grams of sugar from all sources, including vegetables. Who knew that broccoli had sugar? And you are allowed 6 carb servings. A serving of carbs is as follows: 5 - 20 is one serving, 21 - 40 is 2, 41 - 60 is 3, and so on. Under 5 is not counted, even though there may be sugar that has to be counted. For instance, a 2 large stalks of celery have only 4 carbs (not counted) but 2 grams of sugar, which is. Likewise, 2 slices of Ezekiel bread (without raisins) has no sugar but 28 carbs (2 servings). Pair the bread with 2 Tbsp of almond butter (2 sugars, 7 carbs) and I am still at 2 carb servings.
It sounds a little complicated, but once you get the hang of it it's not. Three days in, I am 2 lbs down. I make sure that I get in as many carbs as are allowed so that I don't go into ketosis - I don't want to be swinging back and forth 3 pounds all the time while going in and out. If I want to be in ketosis, I can just eat 5 carb servings and keep it there.
I am feeling good on this program - my head is clear, my stomach doesn't hurt, my bowels are fairly regular and I don't have the horrendous gas that Medifast food gives me. I am eating real food. I am not eating wheels of cheese at a sitting or pounds of bacon - the Atkins stereotype. I eat vegetables. I can eat fruit if I want to work it in. I eat bread. I can have dark chocolate and wine. I can have a handful of walnuts (good fat, no sugar and 4 carbs for 1/4 cup). I do have to look things up, but I only have to count to 15 and 6. That's all.
I will check in on Wednesday and report how it is going. I am just so tired of binging and feeling bad both physically and mentally. I can't turn myself loose on the food world, but I can count to 15.
So I have been researching different approaches to eating. I have seen that the most current and scientific research suggests low carb eating is the way to go. I found one program called Belly Fat Cure that intrigues me, so I am going to follow it for a week and see how I feel about it. It is low carb, similar to Atkins, but not a ketosis program - unless, of course, you decide to make it one. On this program you count sugar grams and carb servings. You are allowed 15 grams of sugar from all sources, including vegetables. Who knew that broccoli had sugar? And you are allowed 6 carb servings. A serving of carbs is as follows: 5 - 20 is one serving, 21 - 40 is 2, 41 - 60 is 3, and so on. Under 5 is not counted, even though there may be sugar that has to be counted. For instance, a 2 large stalks of celery have only 4 carbs (not counted) but 2 grams of sugar, which is. Likewise, 2 slices of Ezekiel bread (without raisins) has no sugar but 28 carbs (2 servings). Pair the bread with 2 Tbsp of almond butter (2 sugars, 7 carbs) and I am still at 2 carb servings.
It sounds a little complicated, but once you get the hang of it it's not. Three days in, I am 2 lbs down. I make sure that I get in as many carbs as are allowed so that I don't go into ketosis - I don't want to be swinging back and forth 3 pounds all the time while going in and out. If I want to be in ketosis, I can just eat 5 carb servings and keep it there.
I am feeling good on this program - my head is clear, my stomach doesn't hurt, my bowels are fairly regular and I don't have the horrendous gas that Medifast food gives me. I am eating real food. I am not eating wheels of cheese at a sitting or pounds of bacon - the Atkins stereotype. I eat vegetables. I can eat fruit if I want to work it in. I eat bread. I can have dark chocolate and wine. I can have a handful of walnuts (good fat, no sugar and 4 carbs for 1/4 cup). I do have to look things up, but I only have to count to 15 and 6. That's all.
I will check in on Wednesday and report how it is going. I am just so tired of binging and feeling bad both physically and mentally. I can't turn myself loose on the food world, but I can count to 15.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Aparigraha
This week in yoga, we were concentrating on Aparigraha, one of the yamas that are one of the 8 limbs of yoga. A yama is a set of moral codes. This first yama is non-violence. This one refers to non-hoarding.
What does this have to do with eating or food? This is a very rich word. It also refers to only taking what you need. For instance, when I lived alone I decided that I really didn't need to be living in a 2 bedroom apartment, a single bedroom or even a studio would do just fine. Taken to an extreme, it can mean to eschew all material possessions. But we need some material possessions for comfort. I need a place to sit, a table at which to eat, a bed to sleep in. They don't need to be grand - having a brand new expensive beautiful dresser doesn't hold my clothes any better than a used one does. And neither the new nor the old make me a better person. They are just things and things can be destroyed, taken or lost.
Applying this philosophy to food, though, means that I eat no more than I need to maintain my body. It means that I don't hoard my food, whether in my cupboards by over buying or in my body by binging. This is where I am putting my meditation today. What can I release in order to make room for something better? Today, I release my obsession with food in order to make room for more peace. I release my greediness when it comes to food. Today, I will take no more than I need.
This is a difficult thing for me. I do okay with it when it comes to material possessions. STUFF doesn't mean a lot to me. But with food? That is a completely different story. I come from a large family of origin. If we didn't move quickly, we didn't get whatever it was we were trying for. As a result, we all learned to eat a lot and eat it fast because it would be gone if we didn't. However, I am no longer a child. If we run out of something, I can buy more. They will make more. I don't have to shove it all into my mouth now before I lose out on the chance. As an adult, I don't need to be governed by my physical desires. I can be governed by my physical needs, but not my desires. The two are not the same.
So today I am practicing Aparigraha. I will take no more than I need.
What does this have to do with eating or food? This is a very rich word. It also refers to only taking what you need. For instance, when I lived alone I decided that I really didn't need to be living in a 2 bedroom apartment, a single bedroom or even a studio would do just fine. Taken to an extreme, it can mean to eschew all material possessions. But we need some material possessions for comfort. I need a place to sit, a table at which to eat, a bed to sleep in. They don't need to be grand - having a brand new expensive beautiful dresser doesn't hold my clothes any better than a used one does. And neither the new nor the old make me a better person. They are just things and things can be destroyed, taken or lost.
Applying this philosophy to food, though, means that I eat no more than I need to maintain my body. It means that I don't hoard my food, whether in my cupboards by over buying or in my body by binging. This is where I am putting my meditation today. What can I release in order to make room for something better? Today, I release my obsession with food in order to make room for more peace. I release my greediness when it comes to food. Today, I will take no more than I need.
This is a difficult thing for me. I do okay with it when it comes to material possessions. STUFF doesn't mean a lot to me. But with food? That is a completely different story. I come from a large family of origin. If we didn't move quickly, we didn't get whatever it was we were trying for. As a result, we all learned to eat a lot and eat it fast because it would be gone if we didn't. However, I am no longer a child. If we run out of something, I can buy more. They will make more. I don't have to shove it all into my mouth now before I lose out on the chance. As an adult, I don't need to be governed by my physical desires. I can be governed by my physical needs, but not my desires. The two are not the same.
So today I am practicing Aparigraha. I will take no more than I need.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
The Person I Need to Ignore
By Jon Acuff:
The #1 person you need to ignore.
If someone talked to you the way you talk to you, you’d never have lunch with him.
You’d tell him they were really discouraging and hurtful.
You’d wonder why he doubts on your dreams so much.
You’d never call him for advice or ask for their help.
If the inner voice in your head was an actual person you would have stopped listening to that person a long time ago.
So why then, are you still listening to him?
Today, evict that person.
When doubt gets loud, and it will, imagine that doubt was sitting across from you at a restaurant. Would you sit there for hours and hear about all the ways you suck?
Or would you get up and walk out, perhaps even turning over the table for good measure?
It’s time to move on.
It’s time to flip some tables.
It’s time to stop listening to that internal doubt.
Boy is this ever true! I know that I would never allow another person to speak to me the way I do. I know that my Self doesn't understand sarcasm and so believes everything I say. So why do I say these things to myself? Especially on days following less than stellar ones. Like today.
Today, I am evicting that person. Today, I am taking a step towards peace and self acceptance. If we all have to live in the same body (me, myself and I), we need to learn to get along!
The #1 person you need to ignore.
If someone talked to you the way you talk to you, you’d never have lunch with him.
You’d tell him they were really discouraging and hurtful.
You’d wonder why he doubts on your dreams so much.
You’d never call him for advice or ask for their help.
If the inner voice in your head was an actual person you would have stopped listening to that person a long time ago.
So why then, are you still listening to him?
Today, evict that person.
When doubt gets loud, and it will, imagine that doubt was sitting across from you at a restaurant. Would you sit there for hours and hear about all the ways you suck?
Or would you get up and walk out, perhaps even turning over the table for good measure?
It’s time to move on.
It’s time to flip some tables.
It’s time to stop listening to that internal doubt.
Boy is this ever true! I know that I would never allow another person to speak to me the way I do. I know that my Self doesn't understand sarcasm and so believes everything I say. So why do I say these things to myself? Especially on days following less than stellar ones. Like today.
Today, I am evicting that person. Today, I am taking a step towards peace and self acceptance. If we all have to live in the same body (me, myself and I), we need to learn to get along!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Happy Birthday, Dad!
For the past 88 years, this earth has been hosting the most amazing man, my Dad. He is kind, funny, silly, honest and caring. He teaches me something every day - usually about patience.
Dad was a man who, if he had to sit around very long, would get bored and build a porch or something. He could walk with 4 little kids sitting on his feet, 2 on each foot. He could fix anything except balloons. He was the one we all went to for advice and help. Unlike my Mom, who felt that everyone was entitled to her opinion, Dad would never tell you how to live your life. But if you didn't want to hear the truth of what he though, don't ask him because he wasn't going to sugar coat anything. He thought his kids were perfect just the way they were. It's not that we could do no wrong - we did lots of wrong. But he didn't hold grudges or withhold his love. And he loved my mother until the day she died after 63 years together.
This man is a mere shadow of who he was 20 years ago. He is smaller, shorter and much more frail. But he is still HIM. In true Dad form, this morning I was showing him the posts on Facebook from the family. He said "It's my first time!". "Um, you first time at what, Dad?" "My first time being ME!" Can't really argue with that logic!
He may have forgotten pudding, but he has not forgotten that he loves his family. He may have trouble with what day it is, but he has no trouble wanting to help where he can - and often where he can't. He may not change his clothes or shower on a regular schedule, but his heart is clean and his intentions are honorable. He may be a frail old man, but at 88 he is still my Daddy. True, he is now a juxtaposition of an 88 year old gentleman with a 5 year old with ADD. But he is still the most incredible person I know.
Happy Birthday, Dad. You are one of the good ones!
Dad was a man who, if he had to sit around very long, would get bored and build a porch or something. He could walk with 4 little kids sitting on his feet, 2 on each foot. He could fix anything except balloons. He was the one we all went to for advice and help. Unlike my Mom, who felt that everyone was entitled to her opinion, Dad would never tell you how to live your life. But if you didn't want to hear the truth of what he though, don't ask him because he wasn't going to sugar coat anything. He thought his kids were perfect just the way they were. It's not that we could do no wrong - we did lots of wrong. But he didn't hold grudges or withhold his love. And he loved my mother until the day she died after 63 years together.
This man is a mere shadow of who he was 20 years ago. He is smaller, shorter and much more frail. But he is still HIM. In true Dad form, this morning I was showing him the posts on Facebook from the family. He said "It's my first time!". "Um, you first time at what, Dad?" "My first time being ME!" Can't really argue with that logic!
He may have forgotten pudding, but he has not forgotten that he loves his family. He may have trouble with what day it is, but he has no trouble wanting to help where he can - and often where he can't. He may not change his clothes or shower on a regular schedule, but his heart is clean and his intentions are honorable. He may be a frail old man, but at 88 he is still my Daddy. True, he is now a juxtaposition of an 88 year old gentleman with a 5 year old with ADD. But he is still the most incredible person I know.
Happy Birthday, Dad. You are one of the good ones!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Snow day
It is snowing today. This is the first one of the year that is sticking. The first snow of the year always makes me want to bake Christmas cookies. Not so much this year, though. This year I am watching it come down and already my feet feel cold. I will be taking the dog out in this, my feet will get wet and all of me will be cold. I am really glad, though, that this is the only reason that I have to leave the house today. The snow will turn into rain later today which means that the snow on the ground is very wet and is compacting on the roads making them icy.
But it does remind me that my body never takes a day off. No matter when or where, in the presence of too many calories and too much food, my body will not only lay down layers of fat, but it will feel bad.
On a completely different note, I am hoping Dad has a better day today. Yesterday, he forgot what pudding was and proceeded to spread chocolate pudding on his grilled cheese sandwich. When he finished lunch, there was half of the pudding left which he couldn't eat because he was out of sandwich. It, sadly, reminded me of when I told Mom that she couldn't eat catsup because it had too much sugar in it. So she immediately put some on her plate and dipped her cantaloup in it. At this time in Dad's life, he can no longer taste much. Apparently, neither could Mom. But, as my son said, Who forgets pudding??
Welcome to my world. Dad argued with me this morning because he thought today was his birthday. It is tomorrow. He said "but it's the 5th". Yes, your birthday is the 6th. It took a few minutes before he was able to pull up "11 - 6 - 25" and then he agreed with me. Sigh.
Anytime I wonder what the point of all this is, I remember these things. And then I know why.
But it does remind me that my body never takes a day off. No matter when or where, in the presence of too many calories and too much food, my body will not only lay down layers of fat, but it will feel bad.
On a completely different note, I am hoping Dad has a better day today. Yesterday, he forgot what pudding was and proceeded to spread chocolate pudding on his grilled cheese sandwich. When he finished lunch, there was half of the pudding left which he couldn't eat because he was out of sandwich. It, sadly, reminded me of when I told Mom that she couldn't eat catsup because it had too much sugar in it. So she immediately put some on her plate and dipped her cantaloup in it. At this time in Dad's life, he can no longer taste much. Apparently, neither could Mom. But, as my son said, Who forgets pudding??
Welcome to my world. Dad argued with me this morning because he thought today was his birthday. It is tomorrow. He said "but it's the 5th". Yes, your birthday is the 6th. It took a few minutes before he was able to pull up "11 - 6 - 25" and then he agreed with me. Sigh.
Anytime I wonder what the point of all this is, I remember these things. And then I know why.
Monday, November 4, 2013
What is different?
I have been on this journey, this time, for nearly 7
years. As I have mentioned before, I started in January 2007 in Weight
Watchers. Over the next 2 years, I lost 113 lbs. I kept it off for 2
years. Then my folks got sick and hurt. And I lost my focus and put a
few pounds back on. Over the next 2 years, I gained back half of what I
had lost on Weight Watchers.
I started TSFL/Medifast in July 2012. I have reclaimed my 113 lbs and added to it. Yes, I have struggled. Yes, I have fallen. Yes, I have occasionally gained. But the difference is that every time I fall, I get back up. I don't allow myself to gain back everything I had lost.
I am up right now - I have gained back 9 lbs in the past 2 months. But it stops here. I no longer quit and just let things be. I no longer decide that I am happy being fat. I am not. I no longer tell myself that I am healthy even when I am fat. I am not. I no longer tell myself that I can do anything I want to even when I am fat. I can't.
Ok, so this is my umpteenth Day 2. What that means is that, for the umpteenth time, I have accomplished a Day 1. It means that, for the umpteenth time, I am on my feet fighting for myself. It means that, for the umpteenth time, I am choosing to feel good in my skin rather than walking around in a carb cloud. And that is a good thing.
There is no such thing as cheating on a diet. The word "diet" refers to what we eat. I can't cheat on that. I can cheat at cards. I can cheat on my taxes. I can't cheat on my diet. It simply is what it is. And it is a journey. Regardless of which direction I am traveling at the moment, I am still on my journey. Yes, perhaps it will take me longer to reach my destination. But the trip, the lessons learned along the way, make the arrival that much richer and valuable. We are the sum total of the decisions we make. And each one, for better or worse, make me more of who I am. Each failure shows me something. Every stumble makes me more aware. I learn far more from my failures than I do from my successes. But the lessons learned make the successes that much sweeter.
I am not, by any means, advocating failing on purpose. I am always striving to succeed. But when I don't, when I fall flat on my face, I need to be able to get up, brush myself off and continue on my journey.
And that is what makes this time different.
I started TSFL/Medifast in July 2012. I have reclaimed my 113 lbs and added to it. Yes, I have struggled. Yes, I have fallen. Yes, I have occasionally gained. But the difference is that every time I fall, I get back up. I don't allow myself to gain back everything I had lost.
I am up right now - I have gained back 9 lbs in the past 2 months. But it stops here. I no longer quit and just let things be. I no longer decide that I am happy being fat. I am not. I no longer tell myself that I am healthy even when I am fat. I am not. I no longer tell myself that I can do anything I want to even when I am fat. I can't.
Ok, so this is my umpteenth Day 2. What that means is that, for the umpteenth time, I have accomplished a Day 1. It means that, for the umpteenth time, I am on my feet fighting for myself. It means that, for the umpteenth time, I am choosing to feel good in my skin rather than walking around in a carb cloud. And that is a good thing.
There is no such thing as cheating on a diet. The word "diet" refers to what we eat. I can't cheat on that. I can cheat at cards. I can cheat on my taxes. I can't cheat on my diet. It simply is what it is. And it is a journey. Regardless of which direction I am traveling at the moment, I am still on my journey. Yes, perhaps it will take me longer to reach my destination. But the trip, the lessons learned along the way, make the arrival that much richer and valuable. We are the sum total of the decisions we make. And each one, for better or worse, make me more of who I am. Each failure shows me something. Every stumble makes me more aware. I learn far more from my failures than I do from my successes. But the lessons learned make the successes that much sweeter.
I am not, by any means, advocating failing on purpose. I am always striving to succeed. But when I don't, when I fall flat on my face, I need to be able to get up, brush myself off and continue on my journey.
And that is what makes this time different.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Halloween results
Well, regardless of good intentions, Halloween was an epic failure. I bought 4 bags of "Fun Sized" bars for the little visitors. Plus I had a bowl of candy left from last year. Well, we had not a single little tyke (or big tyke) that came to our door. And, apparently, I felt the need to consume all the candy. I didn't eat it ALL, but I ate way way too many of them. And, yes, today I am "thick" to my stomach! No matter what the bag called them, this is NOT fun sized!
This has pointed out a basic flaw in my reasoning. One I have been aware of for years, but seem to have lost sight of. And that is that without a specific, detailed plan I get lost. And I did not have a plan last night. I did not set any intentions for the evening. I did not protect what I have fixed.
Today is a new day. I messed up yesterday, true. Today I have a plan. Today, I have my food schedule written down and ready. I know what I am doing today. I am not leaving anything to chance. I can't - I get rid of my fat clothes as soon as they get too big. I have nothing to go back to and am on the edge with what I have. So, for today, I am on plan. For today, I am ready and in the right mind set Just for today. Tomorrow is not today's worry. Today is all I can control. And the way that past 2 days have gone, today is enough of a job by itself.
This has pointed out a basic flaw in my reasoning. One I have been aware of for years, but seem to have lost sight of. And that is that without a specific, detailed plan I get lost. And I did not have a plan last night. I did not set any intentions for the evening. I did not protect what I have fixed.
Today is a new day. I messed up yesterday, true. Today I have a plan. Today, I have my food schedule written down and ready. I know what I am doing today. I am not leaving anything to chance. I can't - I get rid of my fat clothes as soon as they get too big. I have nothing to go back to and am on the edge with what I have. So, for today, I am on plan. For today, I am ready and in the right mind set Just for today. Tomorrow is not today's worry. Today is all I can control. And the way that past 2 days have gone, today is enough of a job by itself.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
On Vacation
I just got back last night from a week vacation. It was great to get away and let someone else be the hyper-responsible one for a while. I went back to Florida where I used to live to visit friends. Sigh. It was 80 degrees when I boarded the plane yesterday. It was 28 degrees when I walked the dog back home this morning.
I am pleased to report that I did not gain any weight while I was gone. I didn't really try, but this was how it worked out. I did go to the store to buy some vegetables and hummus so I had things to eat. The man I stayed with eats in a very odd way (to me). He basically eats once a day, often not until midnight. At some point during the late afternoon/evening, he starts to decide what he "has a taste for" and what "goes with the day". Um, what??? So, as a result, at 8:30 pm he is marinating steaks. We ate a lovely dinner of steak and salad that night. At midnight. So I didn't sit around and snack. I didn't overeat. I simply tried to make good choices when we did eat.
The trip itself was surreal. I have moved away from lots of places in my life, but I have rarely gone back. It has been almost 3 1/2 years since I left Florida to come back to Spokane, WA to care for my parents. In those years, just about nothing had changed. I felt like I was either asleep and dreaming or that I had dreamed the last 3 1/2 years. I walked into my old office and wondered who moved my desk. I met with old friends who seem to have not changed at all - with the exception of my old boss who has lost about 100 lbs since I left. I asked him how he did it. He said "I stopped doing what I shouldn't and started doing what I should". I'm sure there is more to it, but it's amazing how much good one can do when you stop eating a half gallon of ice cream each night.
So, I'm home now. I am happy I went, and happy to be home. I missed my "stuff" and my people. And I'm ready to get back to work.
I am pleased to report that I did not gain any weight while I was gone. I didn't really try, but this was how it worked out. I did go to the store to buy some vegetables and hummus so I had things to eat. The man I stayed with eats in a very odd way (to me). He basically eats once a day, often not until midnight. At some point during the late afternoon/evening, he starts to decide what he "has a taste for" and what "goes with the day". Um, what??? So, as a result, at 8:30 pm he is marinating steaks. We ate a lovely dinner of steak and salad that night. At midnight. So I didn't sit around and snack. I didn't overeat. I simply tried to make good choices when we did eat.
The trip itself was surreal. I have moved away from lots of places in my life, but I have rarely gone back. It has been almost 3 1/2 years since I left Florida to come back to Spokane, WA to care for my parents. In those years, just about nothing had changed. I felt like I was either asleep and dreaming or that I had dreamed the last 3 1/2 years. I walked into my old office and wondered who moved my desk. I met with old friends who seem to have not changed at all - with the exception of my old boss who has lost about 100 lbs since I left. I asked him how he did it. He said "I stopped doing what I shouldn't and started doing what I should". I'm sure there is more to it, but it's amazing how much good one can do when you stop eating a half gallon of ice cream each night.
So, I'm home now. I am happy I went, and happy to be home. I missed my "stuff" and my people. And I'm ready to get back to work.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
I deserve it
I was reading a blog this morning where the blogger was ruminating on this phrase - "I deserve it". I have used this phrase so many times when I wanted something. Usually, when I wanted to eat something. So, now I am thinking about this, too.
What makes me think that I deserve to treat my body like a garbage can? Is that truly what I deserve? Do I deserve to make myself sick, make my stomach hurt, make my head spin and my heart pound all because of some piece of sludge that I want to put into my mouth? Sure, I deserve to relax, unwind and let go, but is this really what I am doing when I do this?
Or, instead, maybe what I really deserve is to be healthy, happy, calm and in control. Maybe I deserve the grander things in life and not the sugar, fat and salt that my demented brain thinks it deserves. Perhaps I am seeking a state of just not having to think by the repeated motion of putting things in my mouth. And, if that is what I am seeking, then why isn't the repeated motion of putting celery into my mouth enough?
Deep thoughts this morning. The head game continues.
What makes me think that I deserve to treat my body like a garbage can? Is that truly what I deserve? Do I deserve to make myself sick, make my stomach hurt, make my head spin and my heart pound all because of some piece of sludge that I want to put into my mouth? Sure, I deserve to relax, unwind and let go, but is this really what I am doing when I do this?
Or, instead, maybe what I really deserve is to be healthy, happy, calm and in control. Maybe I deserve the grander things in life and not the sugar, fat and salt that my demented brain thinks it deserves. Perhaps I am seeking a state of just not having to think by the repeated motion of putting things in my mouth. And, if that is what I am seeking, then why isn't the repeated motion of putting celery into my mouth enough?
Deep thoughts this morning. The head game continues.
Monday, October 14, 2013
My resignation
I don't make New Year's Resolutions. Instead, what I do is to dedicate my year to a particular lesson. Some lessons take multiple years. I think this may be one of them.
This year, my lesson was to learn to just let things be. Let it go and let it happen. To "accept the things I cannot change". Basically, to resign as CEO of the Universe.
One thing I have realized is that it is time to let Medifast go. I have been struggling with a binge issue for months. And I am seeing that, for me, the "all or nothing-ness" of Medifast lends itself to binging. Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful program. I would not be at the weight I am without it. At least not at this point. And I'm not saying that I won't use it again. I have learned many good lessons from it, as well. But it is so unforgiving. One wrong bite on the 5&1 and you can kick yourself out of ketosis, and once I have done that I may as well just continue until tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and I may as well put if off another day since I won't be back in the "fat burn" state for a couple of days.
Weight Watchers doesn't do that. I had a small blow out on Friday this week on protein bars. I ate 6 of them in one day. But what would have been a major issue, leading to more and more eating, was just something that I used my Weekly points for. And not even all of them. So, yes, it qualifies as binge because, as I define it, I was eating out of control, eating things I didn't really want, eating when I wasn't hungry, and eating in secret. But it was sort of like a 'controlled burn', if you will. And on Sunday, I was even down on the scale. Not much - only 0.2 - but down nonetheless. Weight Watchers is not a fast loss program, so I don't expect a lot. I just don't want to go in the other direction. And I would like to ease the last 20 lbs off. Or maintain here. I am really not picky at this point.
I have so many other things going on and I really can't afford to worry about them all. As a matter of fact, worrying is a wasted emotion. It avoids no crisis and gets nothing done. All it does is wear away at my own health. And while watching my strong, unflappable Father disappear I am being forced to realize that there are things over which I simply have no control. This is one of them. And instead of being frustrated with him because he is having a particularly "dumb" day, I have to accept that this is how it is. And it isn't going to get better. If I fight his decline, I am harming his fragile hold on his pride and I am harming my own soul.
Now, that is not to say that I don't, on occasion, fight it. I do. I get frustrated. I get angry. I get sad. And none of that has helped anything. It hasn't slowed the rate of his demise and it hasn't added to my own peace in the situation. So I need to let it go. Accept this thing that I cannot change. Accept that there are some games in which I have no player. Let other people work out their own lives without my intervention. Give those I love the gift of unconditional acceptance and love that everyone needs and deserves.
Here it is the middle of October and I am still working on this one. I have the feeling that it will be a multi-year process. I will tackle the "change those things that I can" and "the wisdom to know the difference" later. Right now, today, this is a big enough challenge.
This year, my lesson was to learn to just let things be. Let it go and let it happen. To "accept the things I cannot change". Basically, to resign as CEO of the Universe.
One thing I have realized is that it is time to let Medifast go. I have been struggling with a binge issue for months. And I am seeing that, for me, the "all or nothing-ness" of Medifast lends itself to binging. Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful program. I would not be at the weight I am without it. At least not at this point. And I'm not saying that I won't use it again. I have learned many good lessons from it, as well. But it is so unforgiving. One wrong bite on the 5&1 and you can kick yourself out of ketosis, and once I have done that I may as well just continue until tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and I may as well put if off another day since I won't be back in the "fat burn" state for a couple of days.
Weight Watchers doesn't do that. I had a small blow out on Friday this week on protein bars. I ate 6 of them in one day. But what would have been a major issue, leading to more and more eating, was just something that I used my Weekly points for. And not even all of them. So, yes, it qualifies as binge because, as I define it, I was eating out of control, eating things I didn't really want, eating when I wasn't hungry, and eating in secret. But it was sort of like a 'controlled burn', if you will. And on Sunday, I was even down on the scale. Not much - only 0.2 - but down nonetheless. Weight Watchers is not a fast loss program, so I don't expect a lot. I just don't want to go in the other direction. And I would like to ease the last 20 lbs off. Or maintain here. I am really not picky at this point.
I have so many other things going on and I really can't afford to worry about them all. As a matter of fact, worrying is a wasted emotion. It avoids no crisis and gets nothing done. All it does is wear away at my own health. And while watching my strong, unflappable Father disappear I am being forced to realize that there are things over which I simply have no control. This is one of them. And instead of being frustrated with him because he is having a particularly "dumb" day, I have to accept that this is how it is. And it isn't going to get better. If I fight his decline, I am harming his fragile hold on his pride and I am harming my own soul.
Now, that is not to say that I don't, on occasion, fight it. I do. I get frustrated. I get angry. I get sad. And none of that has helped anything. It hasn't slowed the rate of his demise and it hasn't added to my own peace in the situation. So I need to let it go. Accept this thing that I cannot change. Accept that there are some games in which I have no player. Let other people work out their own lives without my intervention. Give those I love the gift of unconditional acceptance and love that everyone needs and deserves.
Here it is the middle of October and I am still working on this one. I have the feeling that it will be a multi-year process. I will tackle the "change those things that I can" and "the wisdom to know the difference" later. Right now, today, this is a big enough challenge.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Weight Watchers Simply Filling Technique
I used the old WW Core program for a couple of years and was quite successful with it. I am back to it again after spending 14 months on Medifast. But, as usual, I don't do anything by the book. I wonder why that is?
Anyway, here is how I follow the Core/SFT program. I make a few tweaks here and there. But if, or when, they stop working for me, I will change them.
1. I use both the Core and the SFT list combined. They added a few things and took a few away. They added such things as light bread and removed such things as chicken thighs, Canadian bacon, olives and avocados. I use consider them all to be Core foods. The first thing that will be removed if this doesn't work will be the bread. I can eat me some bread!
2. I use low fat cheese rather than fat free. I don't use much cheese anyway, so I don't think it will be an issue. If it becomes on, I will cut out cheese altogether rather than using fat free cheese.
3. I will use products not on the list if they are nutritionally equal. For instance, Ezekiel 4:9 plain cereal is considered a Core food, but Grape Nuts is not even though the ingredients are similar. The main difference is that Ezekiel uses whole grains whereas Grape Nuts uses the same things but in flour form.. I will use Grape Nuts ($3/box as opposed to $6) or the store brand equivalent. I also have some Ezekiel 4:9 that are not plain with the same nutritional info as the plain that I bought on sale. I will eat those, too. The same goes for Spelt Flakes and another flaked cereal I used to eat (I forget the name).
4. I do not drink milk. I do not drink soy milk. I use unsweetened vanilla almond milk as my dairy requirement. True, it does not have much protein. That is not an issue - I get plenty of protein in my diet.
These are things I need to do in order to make this a liveable program for my life. I spent 14 months eating tiny portions, so I think my portion control has gotten a good resetting. If I find I am eating too much food, I will switch over to counting points to recalibrate it.
That said, I had an issue yesterday with the protein bars. I still am within my weekly points (35 - I don't have my PP calculator anymore, so I am using the Points one), but it would qualify as a binge for me as I was in so much pain. I definitely ate way past satisfaction. So, I am back on day one binge free. I really did expect this, though. I had a box of bars delivered that I ordered before deciding to return to WW. But I figured I would spend my 35 weeklies on this, and I did. I just didn't think I would in such pain. Lesson learned.
Anyway, here is how I follow the Core/SFT program. I make a few tweaks here and there. But if, or when, they stop working for me, I will change them.
1. I use both the Core and the SFT list combined. They added a few things and took a few away. They added such things as light bread and removed such things as chicken thighs, Canadian bacon, olives and avocados. I use consider them all to be Core foods. The first thing that will be removed if this doesn't work will be the bread. I can eat me some bread!
2. I use low fat cheese rather than fat free. I don't use much cheese anyway, so I don't think it will be an issue. If it becomes on, I will cut out cheese altogether rather than using fat free cheese.
3. I will use products not on the list if they are nutritionally equal. For instance, Ezekiel 4:9 plain cereal is considered a Core food, but Grape Nuts is not even though the ingredients are similar. The main difference is that Ezekiel uses whole grains whereas Grape Nuts uses the same things but in flour form.. I will use Grape Nuts ($3/box as opposed to $6) or the store brand equivalent. I also have some Ezekiel 4:9 that are not plain with the same nutritional info as the plain that I bought on sale. I will eat those, too. The same goes for Spelt Flakes and another flaked cereal I used to eat (I forget the name).
4. I do not drink milk. I do not drink soy milk. I use unsweetened vanilla almond milk as my dairy requirement. True, it does not have much protein. That is not an issue - I get plenty of protein in my diet.
These are things I need to do in order to make this a liveable program for my life. I spent 14 months eating tiny portions, so I think my portion control has gotten a good resetting. If I find I am eating too much food, I will switch over to counting points to recalibrate it.
That said, I had an issue yesterday with the protein bars. I still am within my weekly points (35 - I don't have my PP calculator anymore, so I am using the Points one), but it would qualify as a binge for me as I was in so much pain. I definitely ate way past satisfaction. So, I am back on day one binge free. I really did expect this, though. I had a box of bars delivered that I ordered before deciding to return to WW. But I figured I would spend my 35 weeklies on this, and I did. I just didn't think I would in such pain. Lesson learned.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Two weeks binge free
Hello, my name is Sue and I am a compulsive overeater. It has been 2 weeks since my last binge.
Now, this may not sound like such a great accomplishment to some, but this is the longest I have gone without a blow out since April, I believe. I decided 2 weeks ago to stop eating in bed. For some reason, that has turned into a problem for me. I didn't used to binge until about 3 years ago. And now, the binges occur when I am laying in bed reading. I start getting in and out of bed and the routine becomes to entrenched then than I nearly wear a path in my carpet.
So, since I can't seem to control this, I decided to not eat in bed at all. I have my last meal earlier in the evening when Dad is having his nightly bowl of ice cream - usually during Jeopardy. And now, some days, I almost forget that last meal, so I am thinking of moving that 5th meal to afternoon, before dinner, since that is my really hungry, cold time of day. That way I won't have to space the meals so far apart. And then have my usual SF Jello cup with Dad.
Also, I have stopped drinking anything iced in the afternoons. I get SOOOOO cold, particularly if it is cloudy and icky outside. So I only drink room temperature water. I have a water bottle that I just keep filling and let it sit for a bit since the water comes out of the tap fairly cold.
I have really struggled this year with the binging issue. I mean, seriously struggled. Sure, I have lost weight. But it has been such a struggle to do so. So this is a major victory for me. And I wanted to share.
Now, this may not sound like such a great accomplishment to some, but this is the longest I have gone without a blow out since April, I believe. I decided 2 weeks ago to stop eating in bed. For some reason, that has turned into a problem for me. I didn't used to binge until about 3 years ago. And now, the binges occur when I am laying in bed reading. I start getting in and out of bed and the routine becomes to entrenched then than I nearly wear a path in my carpet.
So, since I can't seem to control this, I decided to not eat in bed at all. I have my last meal earlier in the evening when Dad is having his nightly bowl of ice cream - usually during Jeopardy. And now, some days, I almost forget that last meal, so I am thinking of moving that 5th meal to afternoon, before dinner, since that is my really hungry, cold time of day. That way I won't have to space the meals so far apart. And then have my usual SF Jello cup with Dad.
Also, I have stopped drinking anything iced in the afternoons. I get SOOOOO cold, particularly if it is cloudy and icky outside. So I only drink room temperature water. I have a water bottle that I just keep filling and let it sit for a bit since the water comes out of the tap fairly cold.
I have really struggled this year with the binging issue. I mean, seriously struggled. Sure, I have lost weight. But it has been such a struggle to do so. So this is a major victory for me. And I wanted to share.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
It is official
I am officially transitioning off of Medifast. Like that is anything new, really. I haven't eaten any MF food in some time. I do eat the occasional meal replacement, but mostly it has been real food that I eat. I am minding my carbs, but increasing my calories and carb load gradually to fall into a more normal area. I am using Sparkpeople more than I was to track my food so that I have an idea of where I am. I want to get to where I am simply using the old Weight Watcher CORE program that I used several years ago. To me, it was the best program invented. I may actually use the newer Simply Filling lists but the old points - mainly because I gave my WW materials to a friend and only have my old calculator now.
Anyway, I feel good, I am not binging (it has been more than a week since my last binge!) and am maintaining my weight. At the moment, I am comfortable with where I am.
I would like to lose another 10 or 20 lbs, but I am not stressing over it. When I start stressing over it, I will do something more - like going back on Medifast for a while. But, for now, I am basically using my food lists and eating every 2 1/2 - 3 hours. I am expanding my lists, too. I made a muffin today with flax seed and blueberries but no flour. It was very good, bigger than the Medifast meals, and healthy.
So this is my current plan. My thighs are sore today from all of the Warrior II positions we did in yoga on Sunday. I actually enjoy the feeling of knowing my muscles are there. LOL - who knew?
Anyway, I feel good, I am not binging (it has been more than a week since my last binge!) and am maintaining my weight. At the moment, I am comfortable with where I am.
I would like to lose another 10 or 20 lbs, but I am not stressing over it. When I start stressing over it, I will do something more - like going back on Medifast for a while. But, for now, I am basically using my food lists and eating every 2 1/2 - 3 hours. I am expanding my lists, too. I made a muffin today with flax seed and blueberries but no flour. It was very good, bigger than the Medifast meals, and healthy.
So this is my current plan. My thighs are sore today from all of the Warrior II positions we did in yoga on Sunday. I actually enjoy the feeling of knowing my muscles are there. LOL - who knew?
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Feeling better
Just a short post to say that I am feeling much better than I was on Sunday. I am doing well with not eating in bed. Since I can't seem to control myself, I need to just avoid it altogether. I have had to stop spending my day off watching recorded TV shows from the week because the situation was triggering me to eat. A lot. Now, it seems, that the same thing is happening with eating in bed. I don't think it is so much WHAT I am eating that does it, but rather the repeated action of getting in and out of bed looking for one more thing to eat.
By bedtime routine is pretty safe, as far as it goes. I am not a good sleeper. Losing 120 lbs has not helped that at all. Because of that, I go to bed and get up at the same time every day, have no TV in my room, no computer, I read for a while before going to sleep and I use a "dawn simulator" alarm clock - it takes 15 minutes to fade down and 30 minutes to fade up to help with the atrocious SAD I realized I still suffer from. I say "I realized" because I lived for 12 winters in the South where it was not really an issue. The lights on the clock are not blue, which is an issue also.
So my bedtime "hygiene" is good. But I had taken to eating my last Medifast meal in bed while I was reading, usually sharing with the cat. But then the "creep" set in. I would eat my meal. Then another. Then another. And suddenly I am in the routine of bouncing in and out of bed grabbing yet another thing like an automaton. I would often stop myself from doing it, but it has been a real fight for quite some time. THAT seems to be the only time that I binge. In bed.
So, for the past 2 days I have not eaten in bed. I have my last meal at the same time that my Dad has his ice cream, while we are watching Jeopardy. I drink water in bed. And, you know, I don't even seem to notice the absence of the meal. Before Medifast, I never ate in bed. Ever. And the cat is has gotten used to it, since I ran out of BBQ bites for a while anyway. Instead of being fed, she gets petted. I think she likes it just as well, and so do I. She is 16 1/2 - I don't know how many more nights I will have with her, after all.
My sister has lost 135 lbs in the past several years. She has not really been on any sort of diet. Any formal diet would cause her to binge. Including Medifast and Weight Watchers. She says she has made "small, sustainable changes". I like that. Anytime I vow to be 100% perfect, I wind up binging. So I, too, will make small, sustainable changes. Along with my 6 small meals a day eating routine and eating every 2 1/2 - 3 hours, not eating in bed is a small sustainable change. I can do this. And, so far, it is not pushing my binge buttons.
By bedtime routine is pretty safe, as far as it goes. I am not a good sleeper. Losing 120 lbs has not helped that at all. Because of that, I go to bed and get up at the same time every day, have no TV in my room, no computer, I read for a while before going to sleep and I use a "dawn simulator" alarm clock - it takes 15 minutes to fade down and 30 minutes to fade up to help with the atrocious SAD I realized I still suffer from. I say "I realized" because I lived for 12 winters in the South where it was not really an issue. The lights on the clock are not blue, which is an issue also.
So my bedtime "hygiene" is good. But I had taken to eating my last Medifast meal in bed while I was reading, usually sharing with the cat. But then the "creep" set in. I would eat my meal. Then another. Then another. And suddenly I am in the routine of bouncing in and out of bed grabbing yet another thing like an automaton. I would often stop myself from doing it, but it has been a real fight for quite some time. THAT seems to be the only time that I binge. In bed.
So, for the past 2 days I have not eaten in bed. I have my last meal at the same time that my Dad has his ice cream, while we are watching Jeopardy. I drink water in bed. And, you know, I don't even seem to notice the absence of the meal. Before Medifast, I never ate in bed. Ever. And the cat is has gotten used to it, since I ran out of BBQ bites for a while anyway. Instead of being fed, she gets petted. I think she likes it just as well, and so do I. She is 16 1/2 - I don't know how many more nights I will have with her, after all.
My sister has lost 135 lbs in the past several years. She has not really been on any sort of diet. Any formal diet would cause her to binge. Including Medifast and Weight Watchers. She says she has made "small, sustainable changes". I like that. Anytime I vow to be 100% perfect, I wind up binging. So I, too, will make small, sustainable changes. Along with my 6 small meals a day eating routine and eating every 2 1/2 - 3 hours, not eating in bed is a small sustainable change. I can do this. And, so far, it is not pushing my binge buttons.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Really tired of saying this
Once again, I am SOOO tired of saying I messed up. Any time I decide that I am going to do this program 100% like it's my job, I wind up binging. So I am going to have to stop doing that.
I am having a terrible time with binging in bed,. Now, this may sound like a no-brainer to everyone else, but it finally occurred to me that, if I can't control the bed time eating, I need to stop eating in bed at all. Period. As my sister would say "Small, sustainable changes".
I'm not sure when I started this eating in bed thing. I remember doing it when I was in Weight Watchers after moving back to Spokane. I didn't binge like this before then. Rather, what I did, was drink. Often. And a lot. When I first started WW, I planned my Friday night to include a liter and a half bottle of wine. I can't do that now - what if Dad needed to go to the hospital in the middle of the night?
I have pulled out my old Weight Watcher calculator for the old Points system. I may go back to that - I was very successful on it. But first, I will try this. I will eat from my list and that is it. As soon as I start obsessing, I start binging. And THAT will get me back to where I was when I started.
I have to admit, though, that all the deaths around me this year have really gotten to me. Especially this last one where my friend died from Cellulitis. Being hospitalized with an extreme case of this is what got me started on this road to health to start with. Three years ago, when this same friend was in town and we had planned to have a mini-high school reunion, I missed it because I was in the hospital. With Cellulitis. I came close to losing my foot the first time. I didn't realize it was such a serious thing. When the doctor told me I needed to be in the hospital or I would die, I thought he was exaggerating. Guess not.
Well, the sun has been out and is quickly disappearing. I need to get showered, dressed and get the dog out for our walk before it all goes away and the rain starts up again.
Here's to another day. I'm having a hard time finding a hopeful note to end on here. Sigh.
I am having a terrible time with binging in bed,. Now, this may sound like a no-brainer to everyone else, but it finally occurred to me that, if I can't control the bed time eating, I need to stop eating in bed at all. Period. As my sister would say "Small, sustainable changes".
I'm not sure when I started this eating in bed thing. I remember doing it when I was in Weight Watchers after moving back to Spokane. I didn't binge like this before then. Rather, what I did, was drink. Often. And a lot. When I first started WW, I planned my Friday night to include a liter and a half bottle of wine. I can't do that now - what if Dad needed to go to the hospital in the middle of the night?
I have pulled out my old Weight Watcher calculator for the old Points system. I may go back to that - I was very successful on it. But first, I will try this. I will eat from my list and that is it. As soon as I start obsessing, I start binging. And THAT will get me back to where I was when I started.
I have to admit, though, that all the deaths around me this year have really gotten to me. Especially this last one where my friend died from Cellulitis. Being hospitalized with an extreme case of this is what got me started on this road to health to start with. Three years ago, when this same friend was in town and we had planned to have a mini-high school reunion, I missed it because I was in the hospital. With Cellulitis. I came close to losing my foot the first time. I didn't realize it was such a serious thing. When the doctor told me I needed to be in the hospital or I would die, I thought he was exaggerating. Guess not.
Well, the sun has been out and is quickly disappearing. I need to get showered, dressed and get the dog out for our walk before it all goes away and the rain starts up again.
Here's to another day. I'm having a hard time finding a hopeful note to end on here. Sigh.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
Today is sunny outside. Not particularly warm, but sunny. I love, no I need the sun. I didn't realize how much my body needs sunshine until I moved back up North after living in the South for 11 winters. It doesn't have to be particularly warm - it will only get up into the 60s today - but it does need to be sunny. Besides, I have plenty of lovely sweaters to keep me warm.
After deciding to not worry about dieting and just staying where I am for a while, I realize I am just not happy here. I am not expecting my weight, or weightlessness, to make me happy by itself. But I want to be securely into the "overweight" category, not teetering back and forth between that and technically obese. As a result, just for today, I am going to work my program like it is my job. I will see how I feel at the end of the day. I will not obsess over it - just do it.
And, yes, the sunshine has a lot to do with this. It lifts my mood, lifts my soul. It has been a pretty icky year - way too much death around me. Way too many broken hearts, too. But that doesn't mean that I have to fall, too. If I have the strength to do so, I need to stand up straight and tall. Today, I have the strength. Today, I will walk on sunshine.
After deciding to not worry about dieting and just staying where I am for a while, I realize I am just not happy here. I am not expecting my weight, or weightlessness, to make me happy by itself. But I want to be securely into the "overweight" category, not teetering back and forth between that and technically obese. As a result, just for today, I am going to work my program like it is my job. I will see how I feel at the end of the day. I will not obsess over it - just do it.
And, yes, the sunshine has a lot to do with this. It lifts my mood, lifts my soul. It has been a pretty icky year - way too much death around me. Way too many broken hearts, too. But that doesn't mean that I have to fall, too. If I have the strength to do so, I need to stand up straight and tall. Today, I have the strength. Today, I will walk on sunshine.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Going Shopping
I am off for the next 2 days. And I am going to go SHOPPING!
I love to shop. I love grocery shopping. The only thing I don't love shopping for is shoes. I have challenged feet and it is not fun trying to find shoes to fit both feet when one ankle is 1 1/2" larger than the other. But I digress.
It is cold and rainy outside. Fall is here and, I am told, Winter will be right behind it. I gave my sister my winter coats because they are too big for me this year and hers are too big for her. She fits mine great. So I will be heading to some thrift stores looking for winter coats and big sweaters. I have some nice winter coats, but they are not heavy enough to walk the dog in the cold with the wind blowing. They are great for church or when I am going from the car to a building and back again. But not for walking the dog.
I realize the no one particularly cares about my shopping trip. But, once a month, I get 2 days off in a row. Count them - 2! And I am often struggling to find something to DO on those days. I don't know how to just hang out. I don't want to sit downstairs and watch my recorded TV shows - it triggers eating binges. I can't sit in my usual chair in the living room because I will work and Dad will not let my son take care of him. So I need to be out of the house. And, this time, I actually have things I need to shop FOR!
Ok, it doesn't take much to make me happy. But, today, is a ME day. And tomorrow, too. I am going to find someone to give me a massage. I will find a winter coat. I will find big warm sweaters to wear with leggings. And some cute boots to wear with them, too. I have been thinking about this since Friday. Granted, I would get by just fine without buying a single thing. But I will.I even have a coupon at the thrift store. Happy dance!
Next month, I will be going on vacation (I get a week a year off), so I will go visit my friends in Florida. I will stay with my former boyfriend. Oh, yeah, that has its own advantages! And visit my old work place, Weight Watchers meeting and old haunts. And I will relax, and walk HIS dog, and stick my feet in the Gulf again. And I will have cute clothes to wear, too.
AND I already have my "to go" foods in my purse. I will be fine. I will enjoy myself. And on Wednesday, I will be recharged and ready to take on another week of Dad, Puffy, kids and all that entails. I will, again, have the patience and compassion to be surrounded by broken hearts - both physical and emotional.
I love to shop. I love grocery shopping. The only thing I don't love shopping for is shoes. I have challenged feet and it is not fun trying to find shoes to fit both feet when one ankle is 1 1/2" larger than the other. But I digress.
It is cold and rainy outside. Fall is here and, I am told, Winter will be right behind it. I gave my sister my winter coats because they are too big for me this year and hers are too big for her. She fits mine great. So I will be heading to some thrift stores looking for winter coats and big sweaters. I have some nice winter coats, but they are not heavy enough to walk the dog in the cold with the wind blowing. They are great for church or when I am going from the car to a building and back again. But not for walking the dog.
I realize the no one particularly cares about my shopping trip. But, once a month, I get 2 days off in a row. Count them - 2! And I am often struggling to find something to DO on those days. I don't know how to just hang out. I don't want to sit downstairs and watch my recorded TV shows - it triggers eating binges. I can't sit in my usual chair in the living room because I will work and Dad will not let my son take care of him. So I need to be out of the house. And, this time, I actually have things I need to shop FOR!
Ok, it doesn't take much to make me happy. But, today, is a ME day. And tomorrow, too. I am going to find someone to give me a massage. I will find a winter coat. I will find big warm sweaters to wear with leggings. And some cute boots to wear with them, too. I have been thinking about this since Friday. Granted, I would get by just fine without buying a single thing. But I will.I even have a coupon at the thrift store. Happy dance!
Next month, I will be going on vacation (I get a week a year off), so I will go visit my friends in Florida. I will stay with my former boyfriend. Oh, yeah, that has its own advantages! And visit my old work place, Weight Watchers meeting and old haunts. And I will relax, and walk HIS dog, and stick my feet in the Gulf again. And I will have cute clothes to wear, too.
AND I already have my "to go" foods in my purse. I will be fine. I will enjoy myself. And on Wednesday, I will be recharged and ready to take on another week of Dad, Puffy, kids and all that entails. I will, again, have the patience and compassion to be surrounded by broken hearts - both physical and emotional.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
I've been thinking
I really am thinking that this might be a good place to begin maintenance. It isn't that I don't want to lose 20 more pounds. I do. But the more I concentrate on it, the more binging I do. And I just don't want to put my body through that anymore. I don't want to put my mind through it either. And I especially don't want to put my soul through it anymore.
I am afraid of this. But I want to see if I can do it. If I lose more, cool. If I don't, I am actually quite happy where I am. I would be happier to maintain in another 5 or 10 pounds - over the 180 lip and securely into the 170s. But this is less than I have been in so many years I don't even remember the last time I weighed 180. So, lets call it good. And stay here. And stop worrying. And give my soul a rest.
God knows, I have enough on my plate without driving myself nuts trying to be perfect.
I am afraid of this. But I want to see if I can do it. If I lose more, cool. If I don't, I am actually quite happy where I am. I would be happier to maintain in another 5 or 10 pounds - over the 180 lip and securely into the 170s. But this is less than I have been in so many years I don't even remember the last time I weighed 180. So, lets call it good. And stay here. And stop worrying. And give my soul a rest.
God knows, I have enough on my plate without driving myself nuts trying to be perfect.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Day 1 revisited. Again.
I am on my third Day 1. In a row. I bought some different bars and have eaten 3 boxes of them in the past 3 nights. Along with chocolate chip cookies, a bagel, extra snacks. You name it, I have eaten it. And all this eating has been done in the last 3 hours of my day. It is ridiculous.
Today, I am crabby. God, am I crabby. I am trying to not take it out on Dad who can't help being an old old man. Who has no control over whether or not he chokes. Who rolls his jeans up nearly to his knees because he thinks they are supposed to not touch his shoes. Who irritates the crap out of me some days. Like today. He tries to help by pouring my coffee, then drips it all over the off white carpet Mom has always insisted on having. Today, there are parts of me that hates him. Ok I wrote that down just to get it out and look at it. I think the reason he irritates me so much is because, on many levels, I keep expecting him to be the man he used to be. And he isn't.
Parts of the old "him" remain. He is kind, loving, generous and willing to help in any way he can. And that is the rub. He just can't. He is also a willful 5 year old with ADD. He was a brilliant man and now he isn't. His age and physical issues have taken that away. He was strong and now he isn't. He is a doddering old man. Granted, he is nearly 88 years old. And, most of the time, clueless.
And this is not the reason I am so crabby. I am crabby because I don't like ME today. And when I don't like ME, I don't like him much either. I never had this kind of trouble being kind and patient with Mom. But I was new and fresh to this job and she only lived in the house for 6 months after I got here and in a nursing home for 7 more after that before she died.
Such irony. The biggest fear both of my parents had was that they would become victims of dementia. And they both did. I can do everything I can to avoid it, but who will take care of me when/if it happens to me? My folks have enough money saved to pay me to be the caretaker and to take care of their own needs. I have nothing. But I refuse to worry about that today. Those things will take care of themselves somehow.
So, today, I will do my best. I will follow my Day 1 program. Again. I will take the dog for a walk in the sunshine. I will put those damn bars in the freezer, change the cat's litter box, buy some cat food, go to the grocery store, do the laundry, cook dinner, keep Dad from hurting himself or anyone else, keep my mouth shut when I realize how few pairs of underwear are in the laundry, take care of my 12 year old nephew for the night and I Will Be Kind. To Dad, to my nephew, the dog, my son and even to me. I will breathe all day long. I will put one foot in front of the other all day long. I will look past Dad's frailties and deficiencies and focus on his heart - both literally and figuratively. I will just accept that I am surrounded by broken hearts in both the physical and emotional sense, and do whatever I can to comfort. Even myself. Maybe especially myself.
Today, I am crabby. God, am I crabby. I am trying to not take it out on Dad who can't help being an old old man. Who has no control over whether or not he chokes. Who rolls his jeans up nearly to his knees because he thinks they are supposed to not touch his shoes. Who irritates the crap out of me some days. Like today. He tries to help by pouring my coffee, then drips it all over the off white carpet Mom has always insisted on having. Today, there are parts of me that hates him. Ok I wrote that down just to get it out and look at it. I think the reason he irritates me so much is because, on many levels, I keep expecting him to be the man he used to be. And he isn't.
Parts of the old "him" remain. He is kind, loving, generous and willing to help in any way he can. And that is the rub. He just can't. He is also a willful 5 year old with ADD. He was a brilliant man and now he isn't. His age and physical issues have taken that away. He was strong and now he isn't. He is a doddering old man. Granted, he is nearly 88 years old. And, most of the time, clueless.
And this is not the reason I am so crabby. I am crabby because I don't like ME today. And when I don't like ME, I don't like him much either. I never had this kind of trouble being kind and patient with Mom. But I was new and fresh to this job and she only lived in the house for 6 months after I got here and in a nursing home for 7 more after that before she died.
Such irony. The biggest fear both of my parents had was that they would become victims of dementia. And they both did. I can do everything I can to avoid it, but who will take care of me when/if it happens to me? My folks have enough money saved to pay me to be the caretaker and to take care of their own needs. I have nothing. But I refuse to worry about that today. Those things will take care of themselves somehow.
So, today, I will do my best. I will follow my Day 1 program. Again. I will take the dog for a walk in the sunshine. I will put those damn bars in the freezer, change the cat's litter box, buy some cat food, go to the grocery store, do the laundry, cook dinner, keep Dad from hurting himself or anyone else, keep my mouth shut when I realize how few pairs of underwear are in the laundry, take care of my 12 year old nephew for the night and I Will Be Kind. To Dad, to my nephew, the dog, my son and even to me. I will breathe all day long. I will put one foot in front of the other all day long. I will look past Dad's frailties and deficiencies and focus on his heart - both literally and figuratively. I will just accept that I am surrounded by broken hearts in both the physical and emotional sense, and do whatever I can to comfort. Even myself. Maybe especially myself.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
So tired of this
I am so tired of doing this. I do well on my eating program, then BAM! something triggers me and I binge. This time it was a box of food that I bought from a friend who was finished with Medifast. There were singles of things I really like - like s'mores crunch bars, some Kay's snacks, and a few other things. Well, I ate them ALL last night. Again, this morning, I am back on Day 1. I am back on track. But I am also in mid-carb hangover. My body feels icky. My mind is cloudy. I am depressed. And I have a green cloud around me from the gaseous emissions coming from my body.
I will be fine for 2 more days, then I have 2 boxes of food coming in with some bars I have never tried. This company also includes free samples - often bars of some sort that I can just grab and shove in my mouth. I will be really really tempted to take a bite of each different bar that I ordered. Sigh. I will try to avoid it. I hope this will be the time that I don't go for it.
So, ok. Day 1 (again) is almost done. I am looking through my food and finding that I have food in my "stash" from the beginning of my Medifast journey. Some of it has already expired, which just means that the vitamins may break down a little. That's fine - I take a multi every day. I also realized that I have enough brownies and chocolate chip soft bakes to eat nothing BUT those for more than 2 weeks. I'm not going to, but I could. I have a bag of 19 brownies/soft bakes that are expired in July or fixing to expire this fall. I will get to eating those, although they are not my favorites.
I have been swinging around the 180 mark since May. It is now September. My new goal - to be solidly in the 170s by the end of the month.
What am I afraid of? Let's just get 'er done!
I will be fine for 2 more days, then I have 2 boxes of food coming in with some bars I have never tried. This company also includes free samples - often bars of some sort that I can just grab and shove in my mouth. I will be really really tempted to take a bite of each different bar that I ordered. Sigh. I will try to avoid it. I hope this will be the time that I don't go for it.
So, ok. Day 1 (again) is almost done. I am looking through my food and finding that I have food in my "stash" from the beginning of my Medifast journey. Some of it has already expired, which just means that the vitamins may break down a little. That's fine - I take a multi every day. I also realized that I have enough brownies and chocolate chip soft bakes to eat nothing BUT those for more than 2 weeks. I'm not going to, but I could. I have a bag of 19 brownies/soft bakes that are expired in July or fixing to expire this fall. I will get to eating those, although they are not my favorites.
I have been swinging around the 180 mark since May. It is now September. My new goal - to be solidly in the 170s by the end of the month.
What am I afraid of? Let's just get 'er done!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Help! I'm Surrounded!
Today, during my walk with the dog, I was ruminating about my life. I mean, what else does one do when walking the dog? We go on our adventure of sniffing and peeing. We find it works best if I sniff and he pees. The other way around caused way too much confusion in the neighborhood. And the restraining orders were becoming an issue.
Anyway, I realized that I am working on getting healthy while being surrounded by illness and death. Way too many deaths have happened around me this year. And illness? Gee, where to start. There is Dad with his weak heart, the dog with his assorted illnesses, my son who is bipolar and suffers from severe anxiety disorder, my daughter's difficulties, and on and on.
I am a person who tends to not just sense, but take on, the feelings of those around me, especially my kids. So when my child is in crisis, so am I. I often don't know where my own feelings and opinions end and theirs begin. I am working on finding my edges, my borders if you will. But I am not firm on them yet. My kids are both very strong personalities who tend to blow up and then it's over. I am usually downwind of the blowup and, while they get it out and get over it, I don't. I carry the stress of the situation long after it ends. So, afterwards, they are fine and I am not. My son is particularly bad. He lives with us and I find myself walking on eggshells around him. He is very loving, smart and tender. He is also very volatile. Much like his father, even though he was raised by me. This may sound bad, but I am relieved that I rarely see him for long. He is my relief for my times off, but otherwise we don't see him much. He gets up at around 1pm, is gone by 2pm and doesn't come home until long after Dad and I are in bed. Phew.
So I often walk around with my stomach tied up in knots for days at a time, waiting for the next thing; waiting for the next crisis. And then I find myself anticipating these crises. For instance, my cat is 16 1/2. She is really old. One day in the fairly near future I will have to either make a decision concerning her life or I will find her dead. Soon, I will have to tell her goodbye. I wait for my Dad to have a heart attack. Or the dog to go into heart failure. Or, maybe just maybe, the sky will actually fall. Perhaps this is the reason why, even though I have lost a lot of weight, my blood pressure has not come down?
Has anyone ever read the Sweet Pickle book called The Very Worried Walrus? I highly recommend it. It explains a lot.
So now, after spewing all this, I come to the answer to my question to myself during the walk this morning - how do I get healthy when surrounded by illness and death? The answer is, I have no choice. I have to get healthy, even while surrounded. I have to maintain my health and try to improve it. I Have To. Because to not move in the direction of health and strength means that I become part of the illness and death. It means that I lose the ability to help anyone else. It means that I lie down, give up and die. And how will that help anything? Who, then, would take care of Dad? Of Puffy? Or anything else?
So, each morning, I get up with the intention of improving my health. Some days I fall on my face. Most days, I do not. But every single morning, I get up. I take care of what I need to take care of. I do the best I can with the tools I have at hand. And if I fall, I fall. And then I get up and keep going. Every. Single. Day.
Anyway, I realized that I am working on getting healthy while being surrounded by illness and death. Way too many deaths have happened around me this year. And illness? Gee, where to start. There is Dad with his weak heart, the dog with his assorted illnesses, my son who is bipolar and suffers from severe anxiety disorder, my daughter's difficulties, and on and on.
I am a person who tends to not just sense, but take on, the feelings of those around me, especially my kids. So when my child is in crisis, so am I. I often don't know where my own feelings and opinions end and theirs begin. I am working on finding my edges, my borders if you will. But I am not firm on them yet. My kids are both very strong personalities who tend to blow up and then it's over. I am usually downwind of the blowup and, while they get it out and get over it, I don't. I carry the stress of the situation long after it ends. So, afterwards, they are fine and I am not. My son is particularly bad. He lives with us and I find myself walking on eggshells around him. He is very loving, smart and tender. He is also very volatile. Much like his father, even though he was raised by me. This may sound bad, but I am relieved that I rarely see him for long. He is my relief for my times off, but otherwise we don't see him much. He gets up at around 1pm, is gone by 2pm and doesn't come home until long after Dad and I are in bed. Phew.
So I often walk around with my stomach tied up in knots for days at a time, waiting for the next thing; waiting for the next crisis. And then I find myself anticipating these crises. For instance, my cat is 16 1/2. She is really old. One day in the fairly near future I will have to either make a decision concerning her life or I will find her dead. Soon, I will have to tell her goodbye. I wait for my Dad to have a heart attack. Or the dog to go into heart failure. Or, maybe just maybe, the sky will actually fall. Perhaps this is the reason why, even though I have lost a lot of weight, my blood pressure has not come down?
Has anyone ever read the Sweet Pickle book called The Very Worried Walrus? I highly recommend it. It explains a lot.
So now, after spewing all this, I come to the answer to my question to myself during the walk this morning - how do I get healthy when surrounded by illness and death? The answer is, I have no choice. I have to get healthy, even while surrounded. I have to maintain my health and try to improve it. I Have To. Because to not move in the direction of health and strength means that I become part of the illness and death. It means that I lose the ability to help anyone else. It means that I lie down, give up and die. And how will that help anything? Who, then, would take care of Dad? Of Puffy? Or anything else?
So, each morning, I get up with the intention of improving my health. Some days I fall on my face. Most days, I do not. But every single morning, I get up. I take care of what I need to take care of. I do the best I can with the tools I have at hand. And if I fall, I fall. And then I get up and keep going. Every. Single. Day.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Not such a good day
Eating-wise, today has not been such a good day. It started out great. I ate my breakfast, mid-morning meal and lunch right on schedule and exactly as planned. Then, at 2:30, I cracked. I don't really know why, but I did. I decided to taste the peanut butter cookies in the drawer. I know, big mistake! Before I blinked, I had eaten all 3 of them. And these are not small cookies. These are about 4" in diameter. I washed that down with 2 packets of sandwich crackers with 6 in each packet and 2 South Beach snack bars.
The only good thing about all this is that the cookies are gone now. But this all happened only hours after spending another $272 on Medifast food which I have decided will be my last purchase of them. During this past week, I have also spent about $240 at American Bariatrics and $50 at Diet Direct. I decided that I was not going to spend any more money on outside food as I only have about 20 lbs left to lose. I have enough food here to get me through all the transition and well into maintenance, provided I stop binging. I said I would remind myself that every bite I take that doesn't take me closer to my goal is costing me money. And you know what? I did exactly that. And I didn't care.
So now I am feeling my blood vibrate from the sugar and my belly hurts. I Knew that eating that sugar would make my stomach feel like I have been drinking acid. And I would hate to check my blood sugar right now! With the only diabetic in the house now gone, I don't have the means to do that anyway. But it would be interesting to see.
Ok, I am going to concentrate on the positive. The cookies are gone. I will eat my turkey tenderloin and green beans for dinner and have my pretzels at bed time. I will have my jello after 7 tonight. In other words,. I am back on plan. Actually, this is the first time I have binged in the middle of the day and then stopped. Regardless that the only reason I stopped was because nothing we had here sounded even remotely good. Still, I stopped. It's too late to do anything about it. I can't un-eat it. So I will count that in the win column. And go on with my life. Sigh.
The only good thing about all this is that the cookies are gone now. But this all happened only hours after spending another $272 on Medifast food which I have decided will be my last purchase of them. During this past week, I have also spent about $240 at American Bariatrics and $50 at Diet Direct. I decided that I was not going to spend any more money on outside food as I only have about 20 lbs left to lose. I have enough food here to get me through all the transition and well into maintenance, provided I stop binging. I said I would remind myself that every bite I take that doesn't take me closer to my goal is costing me money. And you know what? I did exactly that. And I didn't care.
So now I am feeling my blood vibrate from the sugar and my belly hurts. I Knew that eating that sugar would make my stomach feel like I have been drinking acid. And I would hate to check my blood sugar right now! With the only diabetic in the house now gone, I don't have the means to do that anyway. But it would be interesting to see.
Ok, I am going to concentrate on the positive. The cookies are gone. I will eat my turkey tenderloin and green beans for dinner and have my pretzels at bed time. I will have my jello after 7 tonight. In other words,. I am back on plan. Actually, this is the first time I have binged in the middle of the day and then stopped. Regardless that the only reason I stopped was because nothing we had here sounded even remotely good. Still, I stopped. It's too late to do anything about it. I can't un-eat it. So I will count that in the win column. And go on with my life. Sigh.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Mister Pufferbelly
I took my Dad's 7 year old white Shih Tzu, named Puffy, to the vet today for some routine shots. In the past year, the little guy has developed wheat allergies, high blood pressure, cataracts and a severe double heart murmur. This goes along with his congenital hip deformity. He can't hold down food very well lately - for what reason, we still don't know - so I cook his food. Each week, I boil up 1 lb ground chicken breast and 2 scrubbed but unpeeled chopped up sweet potatoes. This is his food for the week. I supplement it with vitamins and a few treats.
Since the heart murmur diagnosis, his reign of the underbelly of the supper table has been repealed. He no longer licks bowls, gets fed under the table, "shares" Oreos with Dad or any of the other awful things he was getting away with. He is a MUCH nicer dog to have around during meals. He sleeps through them now. It's funny how hearing the vet use words like "extending the useful life of his heart" makes a difference when all the obnoxiousness of the dog whining didn't get through. He is beginning to lose the family nickname of "Rat Bastard". We are getting his weight to a better level. We walk at least a mile every day. He is happy, active and goofy and most people who meet him think he is a puppy. You would never know he has such severe health issues.
Today's checkup was not all that great. His heart is the same, which is a good thing. The same is definitely better than worse. We think we found his heart murmur and high blood pressure early enough to avoid a lot of more severe heart damage. The problem is his sight. He is now blind in one eye and the cataract in the other eye is progressing pretty rapidly. Before long, he will be totally blind. Luckily, dogs are very resilient. He has lost the sight in one eye this year and you would never know. He doesn't act like he notices. Perhaps the sight diminishes gradually enough that it seems natural to him. I don't know.
I just know that it doesn't feel natural to me. It makes me sad. It has been a downright just sucky week. Actually, it has been a pretty sucky year. Too much death, too many bad things going on in our lives. But I am also grateful. Dad's health, while bad, is no worse. His heart, while very weak, is no worse and maybe a touch better. His mind and speech are deteriorating fairly quickly, but he is still "him" and I am so blessed to still have him here at nearly 88 years old. And I am even more blessed to have the honor of caring for him at the end of his life just as I did my mother. Just as they did for me at the beginning of mine.
And I count little Pufferbelly, aka Poofaloop, as a blessing as well. He is sweet and cuddly. He used to bark and whine when Mom got out of bed without assistance. He does the same thing if Dad is not feeling well. He sits on Dad's lap and they quiet each others' anxieties. He's a good little guy and worth the extra thought. My biggest hope is that he outlives Dad. To that end, I will cook his food, give him his pills, take him for walks and do everything I can to "extend the useful life of his heart". He has such a big heart for such a little body.
Since the heart murmur diagnosis, his reign of the underbelly of the supper table has been repealed. He no longer licks bowls, gets fed under the table, "shares" Oreos with Dad or any of the other awful things he was getting away with. He is a MUCH nicer dog to have around during meals. He sleeps through them now. It's funny how hearing the vet use words like "extending the useful life of his heart" makes a difference when all the obnoxiousness of the dog whining didn't get through. He is beginning to lose the family nickname of "Rat Bastard". We are getting his weight to a better level. We walk at least a mile every day. He is happy, active and goofy and most people who meet him think he is a puppy. You would never know he has such severe health issues.
Today's checkup was not all that great. His heart is the same, which is a good thing. The same is definitely better than worse. We think we found his heart murmur and high blood pressure early enough to avoid a lot of more severe heart damage. The problem is his sight. He is now blind in one eye and the cataract in the other eye is progressing pretty rapidly. Before long, he will be totally blind. Luckily, dogs are very resilient. He has lost the sight in one eye this year and you would never know. He doesn't act like he notices. Perhaps the sight diminishes gradually enough that it seems natural to him. I don't know.
I just know that it doesn't feel natural to me. It makes me sad. It has been a downright just sucky week. Actually, it has been a pretty sucky year. Too much death, too many bad things going on in our lives. But I am also grateful. Dad's health, while bad, is no worse. His heart, while very weak, is no worse and maybe a touch better. His mind and speech are deteriorating fairly quickly, but he is still "him" and I am so blessed to still have him here at nearly 88 years old. And I am even more blessed to have the honor of caring for him at the end of his life just as I did my mother. Just as they did for me at the beginning of mine.
And I count little Pufferbelly, aka Poofaloop, as a blessing as well. He is sweet and cuddly. He used to bark and whine when Mom got out of bed without assistance. He does the same thing if Dad is not feeling well. He sits on Dad's lap and they quiet each others' anxieties. He's a good little guy and worth the extra thought. My biggest hope is that he outlives Dad. To that end, I will cook his food, give him his pills, take him for walks and do everything I can to "extend the useful life of his heart". He has such a big heart for such a little body.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I get knocked down - but I get up again
I have been reading some folks' blogs today about slipping, falling, failing somehow at the task that they have set out for themselves. I'm not entirely sure why, but we all seem to think that we are the only ones who do this. And, yet, there are so many of us who do. It is rare, in my experience, that the road of anyone's journey is straight and free of detours. The assumption that we are alone in our misery and frailty seems to feed the guilt we feel when we indulge in our secret shame - in my case either food or wine.
But I have come to understand through my repeated failures, and yet repeated + 1 recoveries, that there are at least 2 great and wonderful lessons available to us in this process.
The first, most obvious, lesson is to find our triggers. Whatever it is - situation, environment, sugar or a combination or all of them - we are given the challenge of discovering how our Selves respond to these things. And then we get to figure out a way around them, through them or instead of them. We get to see what works in our lives and what doesn't. Sort of like "closet tossing" - we can try on different solutions and see what fits. We will keep those and toss the ones that don't.
The second, equally important but less obvious, lesson here is to understand that we have the tools, the power and the choice to recover our footing. We can get back up again, no matter what knocks us down. No matter how far down we fall, we have the power within us to get back up. We may do it a little bit at a time, or we may do it all at once. But we can do it.
And really, in all honesty and humility, what more important thing do we have to do?
But I have come to understand through my repeated failures, and yet repeated + 1 recoveries, that there are at least 2 great and wonderful lessons available to us in this process.
The first, most obvious, lesson is to find our triggers. Whatever it is - situation, environment, sugar or a combination or all of them - we are given the challenge of discovering how our Selves respond to these things. And then we get to figure out a way around them, through them or instead of them. We get to see what works in our lives and what doesn't. Sort of like "closet tossing" - we can try on different solutions and see what fits. We will keep those and toss the ones that don't.
The second, equally important but less obvious, lesson here is to understand that we have the tools, the power and the choice to recover our footing. We can get back up again, no matter what knocks us down. No matter how far down we fall, we have the power within us to get back up. We may do it a little bit at a time, or we may do it all at once. But we can do it.
And really, in all honesty and humility, what more important thing do we have to do?
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Ah, Drama
Some days, I hate the transparency of social media. This is one of those days.
Sometime in April, my former fiance, Bob, committed suicide. I say "sometime in April" because no one really knows when - he wasn't found for nearly 2 weeks. He had been physically ill for some time and, more importantly, severely depressed for months. We had broken up around Thanksgiving, but it still hit me hard. During the time that he was going downhill, I had started Medifast. I was choosing to get healthy. He was allowing himself to get sicker. I had been trying for months to get him to fight for himself - change doctors as the one he had wasn't helping, do some research into what exercise a person with COPD could do, walk around the block, eat better. I mean, I'm no nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure that Velveeta is not a miracle food, regardless of what Bob said.
Anyway, we broke up. He got sicker. And chose to end it. We had a wonderful memorial service for him at which I sang. I am still considered family by his mother and siblings.
Yesterday would have been his 61st birthday. Which brings me back to social media.
People were posting birthday wishes on his Facebook page, which his son has kept going. Then along comes his ex-wife, whom he divorced 40 years ago, commenting on his page. She had been given his private journal to read by their son and been given "friend" status after he died. She started making comments yesterday about how she would have been there for him if she had known he was no longer engaged. There is no woman in the world that Bob disliked more than his ex-wife, and these comments didn't set well with his sisters. This morning, there are new posts. She is now publicly blaming Bob's mother and I for his death. And I have been blocked from the page. Needless to say, his sisters are pretty upset and have asked for the page to be removed.
Ah, the drama! Bob hated drama. And to have it being played out on his page in his name is simply shameful. Regardless of what is said about me, it is just vile to walk on his memory this way. His private journals were not written for anyone to read, especially not his ex-wife. I never read them. I never asked to. They were private. His grasp on reality was already slipping when we broke up. I can only imagine what it was by the time he died.
No one was to blame for his death. Depression and mental illness were behind it, but he was the one who made the choice. Lets just let the the poor man rest. He is not here. He doesn't care about the mama drama. He is busy playing his drums in a band with Joplin, Hendrix, Morrison and Lennon!
Sometime in April, my former fiance, Bob, committed suicide. I say "sometime in April" because no one really knows when - he wasn't found for nearly 2 weeks. He had been physically ill for some time and, more importantly, severely depressed for months. We had broken up around Thanksgiving, but it still hit me hard. During the time that he was going downhill, I had started Medifast. I was choosing to get healthy. He was allowing himself to get sicker. I had been trying for months to get him to fight for himself - change doctors as the one he had wasn't helping, do some research into what exercise a person with COPD could do, walk around the block, eat better. I mean, I'm no nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure that Velveeta is not a miracle food, regardless of what Bob said.
Anyway, we broke up. He got sicker. And chose to end it. We had a wonderful memorial service for him at which I sang. I am still considered family by his mother and siblings.
Yesterday would have been his 61st birthday. Which brings me back to social media.
People were posting birthday wishes on his Facebook page, which his son has kept going. Then along comes his ex-wife, whom he divorced 40 years ago, commenting on his page. She had been given his private journal to read by their son and been given "friend" status after he died. She started making comments yesterday about how she would have been there for him if she had known he was no longer engaged. There is no woman in the world that Bob disliked more than his ex-wife, and these comments didn't set well with his sisters. This morning, there are new posts. She is now publicly blaming Bob's mother and I for his death. And I have been blocked from the page. Needless to say, his sisters are pretty upset and have asked for the page to be removed.
Ah, the drama! Bob hated drama. And to have it being played out on his page in his name is simply shameful. Regardless of what is said about me, it is just vile to walk on his memory this way. His private journals were not written for anyone to read, especially not his ex-wife. I never read them. I never asked to. They were private. His grasp on reality was already slipping when we broke up. I can only imagine what it was by the time he died.
No one was to blame for his death. Depression and mental illness were behind it, but he was the one who made the choice. Lets just let the the poor man rest. He is not here. He doesn't care about the mama drama. He is busy playing his drums in a band with Joplin, Hendrix, Morrison and Lennon!
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Be Careful What You Wish For
When I was a little girl - oh, maybe 5 or so - there were 2 things I wished for. I didn't want to be a mommy (yet). I didn't want to be an astronaut (yet). I wanted to be a nurse. And I wanted to marry my Daddy.
Over the years, I grew to want many different things. I wanted to be an archeologist, a teacher, marine biologist, a biomedical engineer. I wound up being cashier, a mommy, a waitress, a bartender and eventually a computer programmer and single parent. But I never lost my adoration of my Daddy.
My mother, sure. I lost that adoration. She was the disciplinarian, the time keeper, the rule setter and that horrible horrible person who made me stay in line and would never ever let me do anything I wanted to do. Like smoke. Or stay out past 7 pm. Or stay up late. Or not do my homework. Or talk back (freedom of speech? what was that?). She was "Mo-o-o-m!". Said with a sneer and rolled eyes. Behind her back of course - I wasn't that brave. Or that stupid. But Daddy? Now, he was always on our side. He stood up to the mean woman. He thought we were perfect just because we breathed. How could Mom ever have competed with that? And having been a Mom myself, I have also been that horrible horrible woman who never let them do anything fun.
Fast forward a whole lot of years. And where does life find me? I am my Dad's caretaker, and previously my Mom's too. I am in charge of the medicine. I have medical power of attorney. I spend all day, almost every day, 13 hours a day, with Dad - caring for him, monitoring his meds, his food, his exercise, doing my best to keep him safe. I am the nurse.
I also do the laundry, the shopping, the cooking, the planning, the organizing and manage the household expenses. I am the House Wife.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
But be careful what you wish for. Even when you are 5. Life has a way of giving us exactly that. Eventually.
Over the years, I grew to want many different things. I wanted to be an archeologist, a teacher, marine biologist, a biomedical engineer. I wound up being cashier, a mommy, a waitress, a bartender and eventually a computer programmer and single parent. But I never lost my adoration of my Daddy.
My mother, sure. I lost that adoration. She was the disciplinarian, the time keeper, the rule setter and that horrible horrible person who made me stay in line and would never ever let me do anything I wanted to do. Like smoke. Or stay out past 7 pm. Or stay up late. Or not do my homework. Or talk back (freedom of speech? what was that?). She was "Mo-o-o-m!". Said with a sneer and rolled eyes. Behind her back of course - I wasn't that brave. Or that stupid. But Daddy? Now, he was always on our side. He stood up to the mean woman. He thought we were perfect just because we breathed. How could Mom ever have competed with that? And having been a Mom myself, I have also been that horrible horrible woman who never let them do anything fun.
Fast forward a whole lot of years. And where does life find me? I am my Dad's caretaker, and previously my Mom's too. I am in charge of the medicine. I have medical power of attorney. I spend all day, almost every day, 13 hours a day, with Dad - caring for him, monitoring his meds, his food, his exercise, doing my best to keep him safe. I am the nurse.
I also do the laundry, the shopping, the cooking, the planning, the organizing and manage the household expenses. I am the House Wife.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
But be careful what you wish for. Even when you are 5. Life has a way of giving us exactly that. Eventually.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Shakespeare and I
Neither one of us has written much lately.
I have been struggling this past week. I had a couple of weeks where I was calm and working my program with no issues. But the stress of a particular circumstance that I can't do anything about but am not allowed to even talk about is getting to me. Enough so that I have, once again, broken out with Shingles.
I have been getting Shingles - more accurately, I have been getting A Shingle on my back - since I was 28 years old. That was 33 years ago. At first, I thought it was a spider bite on my back. But after getting them a few times I thought it was probably not likely that a spider was biting me in exactly the same place on my back each time. I was in at the doctor for an unrelated issue one time while in full outbreak and showed it to him. That is how I knew I had Shingles. It is not all that bad - for me, it is like having a big mosquito bite on my back. My back aches for a few days before the skin starts to itch and then the sore comes. Most years, since I have been taking care of my folks, I will get them 6 or 7 times per year. This is my first one this year, which is really something considering all the junk that has happened this year.
Anyway, I am itchy. I am cranky. And you know what doesn't help? Overeating. Trust me, I have tried it. Didn't help. But I have found some things that, even though they are supposedly healthy and do not contain sugar, I cannot eat in moderation. Now I know. Even when they are on sale, they are a bad buy for me.
Today is a new day. A whole new day full of promise. And chock full of the opportunities for new crises. But I will handle them, even though today I am not at my best. What a relief it is, though, knowing that there is something simple, like 5&1, to come "home" to. A no-brainer eating plan that will get my body back to top fighting form in a few days, if only I let it. I am so grateful that I found this. And that I have found this community. Without this community, my interactions would be comprised almost exclusively of the company of my Dad, an old man whose dementia progresses every day. I love him, but I need to talk to other people on occasion who have more going on in their life than America's Funniest Home Videos and Lawrence Welk. Bless his heart.
I have been struggling this past week. I had a couple of weeks where I was calm and working my program with no issues. But the stress of a particular circumstance that I can't do anything about but am not allowed to even talk about is getting to me. Enough so that I have, once again, broken out with Shingles.
I have been getting Shingles - more accurately, I have been getting A Shingle on my back - since I was 28 years old. That was 33 years ago. At first, I thought it was a spider bite on my back. But after getting them a few times I thought it was probably not likely that a spider was biting me in exactly the same place on my back each time. I was in at the doctor for an unrelated issue one time while in full outbreak and showed it to him. That is how I knew I had Shingles. It is not all that bad - for me, it is like having a big mosquito bite on my back. My back aches for a few days before the skin starts to itch and then the sore comes. Most years, since I have been taking care of my folks, I will get them 6 or 7 times per year. This is my first one this year, which is really something considering all the junk that has happened this year.
Anyway, I am itchy. I am cranky. And you know what doesn't help? Overeating. Trust me, I have tried it. Didn't help. But I have found some things that, even though they are supposedly healthy and do not contain sugar, I cannot eat in moderation. Now I know. Even when they are on sale, they are a bad buy for me.
Today is a new day. A whole new day full of promise. And chock full of the opportunities for new crises. But I will handle them, even though today I am not at my best. What a relief it is, though, knowing that there is something simple, like 5&1, to come "home" to. A no-brainer eating plan that will get my body back to top fighting form in a few days, if only I let it. I am so grateful that I found this. And that I have found this community. Without this community, my interactions would be comprised almost exclusively of the company of my Dad, an old man whose dementia progresses every day. I love him, but I need to talk to other people on occasion who have more going on in their life than America's Funniest Home Videos and Lawrence Welk. Bless his heart.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Why?
I have been considering this for some time - why? Why am I doing this? Why am I still doing this after so much time? What is my reason for being on this program or any other program? I was stumped on how to identify this. Then I started looking back at some really old writings, from back when I started, and found it again.
Six and 1/2 years ago, I was 300 lbs. and in the hospital with a nasty case of cellulitis up my whole left leg. I was only in for 4 days, but it took weeks and months to actually recover. (Side note: I have a good friend who was hospitalized on April 3 with a case that was not as serious as mine upon presentation, but she is STILL not home, some 4+ months later. I didn't realize how serious this can be.) I was weak, sick, fat, alone 3000 miles away from my family and very depressed. While lying in my hospital bed, though, I had a lot of time to think. About where I was, why I was there, what was going on in my life, etc. After being released and finding out that I would not be feeling well for quite some time, that recovery would be counted in weeks, not days, I was slapped in the face with my own mortality.
At the time, I was 54 years old, almost 55. But this illness was not enough to make me do anything about my health. But it was enough to make me think. And my thoughts turned to my mother. After the age of 60, my mother developed heart problems, had a heart attack, developed Crohn's disease, had a pacemaker/defibrillator implanted and eventually developed Type 2 Diabetes. But she would not do anything about it for herself. Rather, she would sit in her chair expecting to be waited on and deteriorating. She had a definite princess complex, and my Dad went along with it. I decided that, even though I may still become victim of these things, I was not going to sit on the couch and wait for it to happen. I was going to give Disease and Death a moving target. So I joined Weight Watchers, and over the course of 2 years, lost 113 lbs. I joined a gym. I bought a bicycle and rode it. I walked. I took up yoga.
Then 3 1/2 years ago, my always thin, healthy active Dad went in for a "routine" stent placement, and the thing blew up in his heart. He was without a pulse for more than 30 seconds, had a couple of heart attacks and a stroke. He, too, wound up with a pacemaker/defibrillator implanted. I left my career of 25+ years and came home to be their caretaker.
Over the course of the next year or so, I suffered a severe identity crisis. I was also hospitalized, again, with cellulitis. And, again, was in the hospital for Christmas. I gained back half of the weight that I had lost, even though I was still going to Weight Watchers. I was still strong, active, going to the gym every day, eating clean most of the time, but I ate too much. And I lost my grasp on why I had started this journey in the first place.
I know I made a short story long, but getting back to my why. I am not running FROM disease and death. But I look at the choices my mother made and what the results were. I look at the fact that she refused to do anything for herself until she got so bad that she could no longer do it if she tried. I watched her mentally deteriorate from repeated strokes due to badly controlled Diabetes that eventually left her paralyzed on one side, unable to speak and with difficulty swallowing. And it makes me angry that she wouldn't fight for herself. I watched my fiance give in to depression and disease waiting for a magic pill to make him all better, refusing to fight for himself until he no longer could. So he committed suicide. And it makes me angry. I see my Dad struggle with failing health and dementia, even though he did everything right (ate right, low blood pressure, retired after the age of 70, avid reader, crossword puzzle aficionado, played bridge, walked every day, etc). He has survived 3 separate unrelated cancers. And this, too, makes me angry.
But it spurs me on. I know that these things could be waiting for me, too. This is my genetic history, and I am 61 years old. But I don't have to just accept it. And this is my WHY.
I refuse to be a sitting target for Death and Disease. I refuse to wait for them to get to me. If they want me, they are going to have to move quickly because I don't sit still for long. I will do everything I can, whatever is up to me, so that I can avoid or at the least postpone the illnesses that have befallen my parents. I will fight for myself, for my life, because it matters. My mother mattered. My fiance mattered. My father matters. Nothing that I could ever put into my mouth can ever be as important as this. I will fight because I matter!
So, what is your WHY?
Six and 1/2 years ago, I was 300 lbs. and in the hospital with a nasty case of cellulitis up my whole left leg. I was only in for 4 days, but it took weeks and months to actually recover. (Side note: I have a good friend who was hospitalized on April 3 with a case that was not as serious as mine upon presentation, but she is STILL not home, some 4+ months later. I didn't realize how serious this can be.) I was weak, sick, fat, alone 3000 miles away from my family and very depressed. While lying in my hospital bed, though, I had a lot of time to think. About where I was, why I was there, what was going on in my life, etc. After being released and finding out that I would not be feeling well for quite some time, that recovery would be counted in weeks, not days, I was slapped in the face with my own mortality.
At the time, I was 54 years old, almost 55. But this illness was not enough to make me do anything about my health. But it was enough to make me think. And my thoughts turned to my mother. After the age of 60, my mother developed heart problems, had a heart attack, developed Crohn's disease, had a pacemaker/defibrillator implanted and eventually developed Type 2 Diabetes. But she would not do anything about it for herself. Rather, she would sit in her chair expecting to be waited on and deteriorating. She had a definite princess complex, and my Dad went along with it. I decided that, even though I may still become victim of these things, I was not going to sit on the couch and wait for it to happen. I was going to give Disease and Death a moving target. So I joined Weight Watchers, and over the course of 2 years, lost 113 lbs. I joined a gym. I bought a bicycle and rode it. I walked. I took up yoga.
Then 3 1/2 years ago, my always thin, healthy active Dad went in for a "routine" stent placement, and the thing blew up in his heart. He was without a pulse for more than 30 seconds, had a couple of heart attacks and a stroke. He, too, wound up with a pacemaker/defibrillator implanted. I left my career of 25+ years and came home to be their caretaker.
Over the course of the next year or so, I suffered a severe identity crisis. I was also hospitalized, again, with cellulitis. And, again, was in the hospital for Christmas. I gained back half of the weight that I had lost, even though I was still going to Weight Watchers. I was still strong, active, going to the gym every day, eating clean most of the time, but I ate too much. And I lost my grasp on why I had started this journey in the first place.
I know I made a short story long, but getting back to my why. I am not running FROM disease and death. But I look at the choices my mother made and what the results were. I look at the fact that she refused to do anything for herself until she got so bad that she could no longer do it if she tried. I watched her mentally deteriorate from repeated strokes due to badly controlled Diabetes that eventually left her paralyzed on one side, unable to speak and with difficulty swallowing. And it makes me angry that she wouldn't fight for herself. I watched my fiance give in to depression and disease waiting for a magic pill to make him all better, refusing to fight for himself until he no longer could. So he committed suicide. And it makes me angry. I see my Dad struggle with failing health and dementia, even though he did everything right (ate right, low blood pressure, retired after the age of 70, avid reader, crossword puzzle aficionado, played bridge, walked every day, etc). He has survived 3 separate unrelated cancers. And this, too, makes me angry.
But it spurs me on. I know that these things could be waiting for me, too. This is my genetic history, and I am 61 years old. But I don't have to just accept it. And this is my WHY.
I refuse to be a sitting target for Death and Disease. I refuse to wait for them to get to me. If they want me, they are going to have to move quickly because I don't sit still for long. I will do everything I can, whatever is up to me, so that I can avoid or at the least postpone the illnesses that have befallen my parents. I will fight for myself, for my life, because it matters. My mother mattered. My fiance mattered. My father matters. Nothing that I could ever put into my mouth can ever be as important as this. I will fight because I matter!
So, what is your WHY?
Thursday, August 8, 2013
One thing at a time
I have been seeing this particular philosophy in several other people's blogs - tackle on bad habit at a time. I thought "I don't get it". I'm not sure what I didn't "get", but I would read that and respond with nothing but a mental question mark.
Today, I think I see what they meant. I have a few bad habits that I need to work on in order to maintain the weight I have lost and will continue to lose. Until I get these things under control, I will wind up gaining back the weight that I got rid of. A few of them are:
- "helping" the dog eat the cheese that is wrapped around his pills
- tasting the ice cream when I dish it up for Dad
- indulging in an extra meal (or so) after my final meal of the day while in bed
- over-topping the whipped cream on my jello
- tasting the off plan food I am cooking for others to check for doneness
- and probably several more that are not coming to me right now.
What made me get that I needed to tackle one at a time, rather than all at once, was the sudden realization last night that I no longer eat the cheese while pilling the dog. It doesn't even occur to me to do it, and I'm not sure when that happened. But I do recall actively reminding myself to not eat the cheese. And now, I don't. I give him his pills, feed him his homemade meal and put it all away again. None goes into my mouth. That is one thing that I've conquered.
So rather than tackling everything all at once like I normally would do, I will work on one at a time until I have that habit down pat. Like the cheese. This next habit that I am going to work on getting a handle on is the biggest one for me - the extra meal (or so) in bed. Which often leads to a full blown binge because once I get too full, I am off and running. The other things are fairly minor by comparison.
I have one day under my belt already, although overcoming a habit that isn't rearing its ugly head at the time is really not a big accomplishment. And one day does not break a habit. But it has to start with the first day. And continue. And then keep going to protect what I fixed. And then, one day, I will suddenly realize that this is no longer an issue. And then I will have 2.
Today, I think I see what they meant. I have a few bad habits that I need to work on in order to maintain the weight I have lost and will continue to lose. Until I get these things under control, I will wind up gaining back the weight that I got rid of. A few of them are:
- "helping" the dog eat the cheese that is wrapped around his pills
- tasting the ice cream when I dish it up for Dad
- indulging in an extra meal (or so) after my final meal of the day while in bed
- over-topping the whipped cream on my jello
- tasting the off plan food I am cooking for others to check for doneness
- and probably several more that are not coming to me right now.
What made me get that I needed to tackle one at a time, rather than all at once, was the sudden realization last night that I no longer eat the cheese while pilling the dog. It doesn't even occur to me to do it, and I'm not sure when that happened. But I do recall actively reminding myself to not eat the cheese. And now, I don't. I give him his pills, feed him his homemade meal and put it all away again. None goes into my mouth. That is one thing that I've conquered.
So rather than tackling everything all at once like I normally would do, I will work on one at a time until I have that habit down pat. Like the cheese. This next habit that I am going to work on getting a handle on is the biggest one for me - the extra meal (or so) in bed. Which often leads to a full blown binge because once I get too full, I am off and running. The other things are fairly minor by comparison.
I have one day under my belt already, although overcoming a habit that isn't rearing its ugly head at the time is really not a big accomplishment. And one day does not break a habit. But it has to start with the first day. And continue. And then keep going to protect what I fixed. And then, one day, I will suddenly realize that this is no longer an issue. And then I will have 2.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
I did it
I have been a little off kilter of late. Not binging, per se, but a little bit more generous in my bites and tastes here and there. Yesterday, I decided that, rather than going for 100% on plan, I would simply have an all Medifast day and then my lean & green. Ok, that sounds like the same thing, I know. But, for me, saying "I'm going to be 100% On Plan for 2 weeks" just felt like too much pressure. But to say "Here are my meals, this is what I will eat today. Tomorrow will take care of itself." was so much more doable. And calming. I'm not sure exactly why it is different - this is what I do most days. But this journey, more than anything else, is a journey of the mind. And in my mind, this was different.
So, I went along yesterday, eating my meals, not really even caring about anything else. Until dinner time. I was cooking tater tots for Dad. Not even thinking, I popped on in my mouth to test to see if they were done. Nope. So 5 minutes later, I did it again. It took 4 tater tots to deem them ready to eat. Now, had I been going for the "100% OP" thing, that would have spelled doom. Instead, I said "oops, I didn't mean to do that. I need to find a different means of testing those things". Had I been going for 100%, the next step would have been tasting the ice cream when I dished it up - especially that big solid salty dark chocolate piece that was just sitting there waiting for me. I gave it to Dad. I didn't even lick my fingers because, you know, I hadn't actually failed yet.
In bed, Felix The Cat and I shared our bag o' bites. And my mind kept telling me that I could have something more. I didn't need it, but my mind played these very familiar games. "Nutrition Support says you can have a 6th meal if you need it". "You are probably in great shape for carbs, you can fit this in.", etc. However, I didn't need an extra meal. I wasn't hungry. And I wasn't fighting binge demons. No, what I was fighting was HABIT. Three times, my foot started to come out of bed to go get a bar, or a bag of cereal, or some pretzels. And three times, before my foot hit the floor, I said, out loud, "NO" and pulled the limb back under the covers. And picked up my book and continued reading. I have no doubt, though, that had I given in to the habit, the binge demons would have woken up and started screaming. And I know how that would have ended.
So, in the end, I did quite well. I avoided 2 big habits of mine - tasting the ice cream and grabbing an extra meal in bed. And, this morning again, I woke up glad I had not given in. And, today again, I have my food planned out. This is what I will eat today. The one variable in today's plan is that I am off and my son is cooking dinner. So I really have no idea what we will be having. Likely, we will go out as he is not feeling well - he has a molar that has him in agony and will not be feeling like eating. But, that is tonight. I will handle that. Today is sunny, warm and full of possibilities.
So, I went along yesterday, eating my meals, not really even caring about anything else. Until dinner time. I was cooking tater tots for Dad. Not even thinking, I popped on in my mouth to test to see if they were done. Nope. So 5 minutes later, I did it again. It took 4 tater tots to deem them ready to eat. Now, had I been going for the "100% OP" thing, that would have spelled doom. Instead, I said "oops, I didn't mean to do that. I need to find a different means of testing those things". Had I been going for 100%, the next step would have been tasting the ice cream when I dished it up - especially that big solid salty dark chocolate piece that was just sitting there waiting for me. I gave it to Dad. I didn't even lick my fingers because, you know, I hadn't actually failed yet.
In bed, Felix The Cat and I shared our bag o' bites. And my mind kept telling me that I could have something more. I didn't need it, but my mind played these very familiar games. "Nutrition Support says you can have a 6th meal if you need it". "You are probably in great shape for carbs, you can fit this in.", etc. However, I didn't need an extra meal. I wasn't hungry. And I wasn't fighting binge demons. No, what I was fighting was HABIT. Three times, my foot started to come out of bed to go get a bar, or a bag of cereal, or some pretzels. And three times, before my foot hit the floor, I said, out loud, "NO" and pulled the limb back under the covers. And picked up my book and continued reading. I have no doubt, though, that had I given in to the habit, the binge demons would have woken up and started screaming. And I know how that would have ended.
So, in the end, I did quite well. I avoided 2 big habits of mine - tasting the ice cream and grabbing an extra meal in bed. And, this morning again, I woke up glad I had not given in. And, today again, I have my food planned out. This is what I will eat today. The one variable in today's plan is that I am off and my son is cooking dinner. So I really have no idea what we will be having. Likely, we will go out as he is not feeling well - he has a molar that has him in agony and will not be feeling like eating. But, that is tonight. I will handle that. Today is sunny, warm and full of possibilities.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Why did I do this? or Lessons learned
There have been so many times over the past 20 years or so that I bemoaned the fact that I had allowed myself to become morbidly obese. What kind of person does that to themselves? What kind of weak excuse for a human being was I?
Well, I am here to say that nothing in life is wasted. We are precious, complicated creatures who are greatly valuable just as we are. We never really needed to prove anything or be anything other than who we were. We learn and we grow, even during these excruciatingly difficult periods of our lives. Maybe especially during these times.
Case in point: I list one of my NSVs as being able to get up off of the floor without doing any crazy gymnastics to get there. But 3 years ago, I left my life in Florida and moved back to Spokane to take care of my parents - my mother in particular, at the time. She had gotten very weak on one side of her body from repeated mini strokes over time. And she was obese, short and difficult to hold on to. It was not uncommon for her to fall. My Dad, who was 84 at that time, had just gotten out of the hospital after having a "routine stent" blow up in his heart during placement and as a result was not in great shape either. So, she would fall. And they would have no choice but to call the Fire Department to get her up off the floor.
The first time she fell after I got here, I thought "I know how to do this! I used to have to do this to get up off the floor myself! When I weighed 300 lbs, I had no choice.". So I had her get on her knees and hold onto a chair while I helped get her legs up under her and then she could stand. No Fire Department needed.
Had I not "allowed myself" to become morbidly obese, I would not have started my weight loss journey and learned how to feed my body in a healthy manner. I would never have become a "Food Nazi". As a result of learning these lessons for myself, however, I was able to feed my mother's body, control her diabetes and help to slowly take some sadly needed weight off of her poor little frame.
Had I not been where I had been, I would not have learned the compassion I needed to see my parents as the frail old people they had become over time. Because I would have still been judging myself for being fat and weak and would have projected it onto them. I would not have spent any time at a gym and as a result I would not have had the physical strength to get my mother in and out of the shower, up off the floor, get her wheelchair up and down the too-short ramp we installed in the garage and before that get her weak body up and down stairs to get in and out of the house.
And, now that Mom is gone, Dad needs much the same sort of help.
So the next time we find ourselves berating ourselves for allowing ourselves to be where we are, or were, let's stop and ask ourselves - what lessons am I learning by being in this place? Where might I possible apply what I am learning? Because, whether we realize it or not, we are learning. If we are alive, we are learning.
Well, I am here to say that nothing in life is wasted. We are precious, complicated creatures who are greatly valuable just as we are. We never really needed to prove anything or be anything other than who we were. We learn and we grow, even during these excruciatingly difficult periods of our lives. Maybe especially during these times.
Case in point: I list one of my NSVs as being able to get up off of the floor without doing any crazy gymnastics to get there. But 3 years ago, I left my life in Florida and moved back to Spokane to take care of my parents - my mother in particular, at the time. She had gotten very weak on one side of her body from repeated mini strokes over time. And she was obese, short and difficult to hold on to. It was not uncommon for her to fall. My Dad, who was 84 at that time, had just gotten out of the hospital after having a "routine stent" blow up in his heart during placement and as a result was not in great shape either. So, she would fall. And they would have no choice but to call the Fire Department to get her up off the floor.
The first time she fell after I got here, I thought "I know how to do this! I used to have to do this to get up off the floor myself! When I weighed 300 lbs, I had no choice.". So I had her get on her knees and hold onto a chair while I helped get her legs up under her and then she could stand. No Fire Department needed.
Had I not "allowed myself" to become morbidly obese, I would not have started my weight loss journey and learned how to feed my body in a healthy manner. I would never have become a "Food Nazi". As a result of learning these lessons for myself, however, I was able to feed my mother's body, control her diabetes and help to slowly take some sadly needed weight off of her poor little frame.
Had I not been where I had been, I would not have learned the compassion I needed to see my parents as the frail old people they had become over time. Because I would have still been judging myself for being fat and weak and would have projected it onto them. I would not have spent any time at a gym and as a result I would not have had the physical strength to get my mother in and out of the shower, up off the floor, get her wheelchair up and down the too-short ramp we installed in the garage and before that get her weak body up and down stairs to get in and out of the house.
And, now that Mom is gone, Dad needs much the same sort of help.
So the next time we find ourselves berating ourselves for allowing ourselves to be where we are, or were, let's stop and ask ourselves - what lessons am I learning by being in this place? Where might I possible apply what I am learning? Because, whether we realize it or not, we are learning. If we are alive, we are learning.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
I've been exposed!
Well, actually, I did it to myself. I "outed" myself as a MediFraud. It isn't that I don't follow Medifast. I do. In principle. I eat 5 meal replacements and 1 L&G with the appropriate fat. I drink fluids. I move my body.
But here is where I become a fraud. I don't buy all of my food from Medifast. About half of it comes from Medifast, but I also buy food from Diet Direct and from American Bariatrics. And I will buy it from any place else where I can get a similar, or even basically identical, product for less money.
I am an intelligent adult woman on a fixed income. I have to make my money go as far as it can. Besides, after being on this diet for more than a year, I get tired of the same old Medifast meals and I am also disgusted that they are making more and more of their meals with a higher carb load. I also don't drink much plain water. I drink about a gallon of decaf sun tea every day, sweetened with a little bit of liquid stevia. I have done a lot of research on the subject. There is no actual research that says we need to drink 8 glasses of plain water every day. Even the people touting that don't know where that "fact" comes from. Our bodies will use whatever fluid we give it, even the water in our foods.
I do follow the principles of the Medifast diet. And I consider myself to be ON Medifast. But I have learned a lot about nutrition in my 61 years. I know how to feed my body. I am careful what I put into it. I eat every 2 1/2 hours throughout the day. I just don't always eat Medifast food. True, eating 100% Medifast food will cover all of the vitamins and minerals needed. But I can do that with other things, too. I just don't think that the 20% RDA of Vitamin A from Medifast is going to be drastically, if at all, superior to the 20% RDA of Vitamin A in Wonderslim shakes.
Ok, I'm a rebel. (and I'll never ever be any good - thanks Shangri-Las) But I am losing weight. My body is healthy. I have simply opened myself up to other avenues. And I, occasionally, even eat REAL FOOD. Who knew??
But here is where I become a fraud. I don't buy all of my food from Medifast. About half of it comes from Medifast, but I also buy food from Diet Direct and from American Bariatrics. And I will buy it from any place else where I can get a similar, or even basically identical, product for less money.
I am an intelligent adult woman on a fixed income. I have to make my money go as far as it can. Besides, after being on this diet for more than a year, I get tired of the same old Medifast meals and I am also disgusted that they are making more and more of their meals with a higher carb load. I also don't drink much plain water. I drink about a gallon of decaf sun tea every day, sweetened with a little bit of liquid stevia. I have done a lot of research on the subject. There is no actual research that says we need to drink 8 glasses of plain water every day. Even the people touting that don't know where that "fact" comes from. Our bodies will use whatever fluid we give it, even the water in our foods.
I do follow the principles of the Medifast diet. And I consider myself to be ON Medifast. But I have learned a lot about nutrition in my 61 years. I know how to feed my body. I am careful what I put into it. I eat every 2 1/2 hours throughout the day. I just don't always eat Medifast food. True, eating 100% Medifast food will cover all of the vitamins and minerals needed. But I can do that with other things, too. I just don't think that the 20% RDA of Vitamin A from Medifast is going to be drastically, if at all, superior to the 20% RDA of Vitamin A in Wonderslim shakes.
Ok, I'm a rebel. (and I'll never ever be any good - thanks Shangri-Las) But I am losing weight. My body is healthy. I have simply opened myself up to other avenues. And I, occasionally, even eat REAL FOOD. Who knew??
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Life in 5 Chapters
An Autobiography in Five Chapters
by Portia Nelson
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost….I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the side walk.
I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I fall in….it’s a habit…but my eyes are open.
I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.
I have mentioned this (and mis-quoted it, I'm sure) before in my blogs. But I find myself thinking about it again. I have often deluded myself in thinking I am farther along this "book" than I really am. And, I suppose, in some areas of my life, I am.
But in regards to my addictive behaviors, I am actually in Chapter 3. Sometimes, Chapter 2. Mostly Chapter 3 with some caveats, I guess. I see a binge coming, I acknowledge that it is coming, I know that the deep hole is there. My eyes are open. And I fall in anyway. I don't blame anyone but myself - it certainly is not anyone else's fault that I am there. But I can't say I get out immediately. I get out when I am damn good and ready to. Yes, it's a habit. And there is some comfort in it. Knowing me, I have decorated the hole with lots of comfy furniture and wonderful music. It is sort of like home to me - a place to hide away from the pressures and stresses of daily life.
I think maybe there might need to be a Chapter 3+, or maybe Chapter 4-.
Chapter 3+/4-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk over to the edge of the hole.
I look lovingly and longingly into the hole. For a long time.
Sadly, I walk around it.
Because I see this as the next step along this path. I just don't see going directly from Chapter 3 to Chapter 4. That just feels like way too big a jump to make at one time. I think I may been to baby step from Chapter 3 to Chapter 4.
Here's to baby steps. To making the best decisions we can in any given moment, even if they are not the best decisions we could have made in a different moment. Here's to growth, in all its painful glory.
by Portia Nelson
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost….I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the side walk.
I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I fall in….it’s a habit…but my eyes are open.
I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.
I have mentioned this (and mis-quoted it, I'm sure) before in my blogs. But I find myself thinking about it again. I have often deluded myself in thinking I am farther along this "book" than I really am. And, I suppose, in some areas of my life, I am.
But in regards to my addictive behaviors, I am actually in Chapter 3. Sometimes, Chapter 2. Mostly Chapter 3 with some caveats, I guess. I see a binge coming, I acknowledge that it is coming, I know that the deep hole is there. My eyes are open. And I fall in anyway. I don't blame anyone but myself - it certainly is not anyone else's fault that I am there. But I can't say I get out immediately. I get out when I am damn good and ready to. Yes, it's a habit. And there is some comfort in it. Knowing me, I have decorated the hole with lots of comfy furniture and wonderful music. It is sort of like home to me - a place to hide away from the pressures and stresses of daily life.
I think maybe there might need to be a Chapter 3+, or maybe Chapter 4-.
Chapter 3+/4-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk over to the edge of the hole.
I look lovingly and longingly into the hole. For a long time.
Sadly, I walk around it.
Because I see this as the next step along this path. I just don't see going directly from Chapter 3 to Chapter 4. That just feels like way too big a jump to make at one time. I think I may been to baby step from Chapter 3 to Chapter 4.
Here's to baby steps. To making the best decisions we can in any given moment, even if they are not the best decisions we could have made in a different moment. Here's to growth, in all its painful glory.
Monday, July 22, 2013
It's a good day
Today is a good day. There are no crises lurking to be dealt with, no thunderstorms on the horizon, no evils awaiting me that I need to dread. It is simply a beautiful, sunny, not afternoon here in the Pacific Northwest. And for that, I am grateful.
My program is, once again, a peaceful place to be. I have my food ready for today, my Lean & Green ready to be prepared. My back, which seized up last night after my yoga practice, is feeling better. I have walked the dog, taken Dad to cash his check then to Costco where he is my "pusher man" (never mind the Steppenwolf song that plays through my head whenever he says that). I took my bar with me so that I would not be left in the lurch, hungry while running the gauntlet of the "free" samples. Actually, we got there early enough that they were just starting to set the sample tables up and were not actually serving yet. So we avoided the "senior's lunch buffet" while we were there.
I really have nothing powerful to say today. I just wanted to check in and say that I am doing well, life is good and I am so so grateful for and humbled by the support of all you kind people.
Namaste. (the Divine in me recognizes and acknowledges the Divine in you)
My program is, once again, a peaceful place to be. I have my food ready for today, my Lean & Green ready to be prepared. My back, which seized up last night after my yoga practice, is feeling better. I have walked the dog, taken Dad to cash his check then to Costco where he is my "pusher man" (never mind the Steppenwolf song that plays through my head whenever he says that). I took my bar with me so that I would not be left in the lurch, hungry while running the gauntlet of the "free" samples. Actually, we got there early enough that they were just starting to set the sample tables up and were not actually serving yet. So we avoided the "senior's lunch buffet" while we were there.
I really have nothing powerful to say today. I just wanted to check in and say that I am doing well, life is good and I am so so grateful for and humbled by the support of all you kind people.
Namaste. (the Divine in me recognizes and acknowledges the Divine in you)
Friday, July 19, 2013
Today, I am sad
I am sad today. I have worked so hard to stay on plan, then let my guard down last night. I got 3 food shipments in the past 2 days. But I think the thing that did me in was allowing myself to get a bit cocky. I saw my reflection wearing bicycle shorts and thought "Man, I really am getting pretty small!" I also am feeling overwhelmed by my Dad's decline, and it makes me angry at both him and at myself. Sitting across from him at dinner makes me want to scream lately. He chokes on his dinner, but shoves so much in his mouth that it falls out when he puts more in. I try to remind him to swallow what is in his mouth before shoving more in. But he then looks at me like "What? I can't even EAT right for you??". And then he chokes. Some days, my compassion is sorely lacking. Some days this feeble old man who used to be my strong vibrant father, my rock, just makes me angry. And that makes me feel sad. And tired. And guilty.
At some point after dinner, I was in the kitchen when I found myself saying out loud "I really don't much care". Well, there is was. My mind was stating its intention to binge. I heard it. I recognized it. I understood it. And did it anyway. It started with dinner - helping myself to a few bites of Dad's cheddar broccoli soup. Then the schnitzel. Then the gravy. Then it became the ice cream when I dished up his evening snack. Then it was the bars in the boxes. By the time I went to sleep, I had consumed 7 or 9 bars of different types, I'm not entirely sure. So, of course, I am up a couple of pounds today. And, of course, tomorrow is weigh in. And, of course, I am having stomach issues today and a carb hangover.
Today is a new day. It is humbling to me that every day we get a "do over". I can't undo yesterday. I can't uneat a single thing. I can pat myself on the back a little for recognizing the intention that I stated, which I didn't before. I only saw it in hindsight. I can love myself a little bit harder today. I can understand that momentary failures don't have to be a defining reality. I can let it be a temporary thing. Relapse is a part of recovery, I have been told. I am new to this recovery thing, so I don't know for myself.
Today, it is back to what I know calms my soul - my Food Plan. I will store the new food that came in, move the more difficult items to a less available location and start putting my life back in order. Apparently order is very important to me. And I will be thankful that my binges don't last until morning. Yet.
At some point after dinner, I was in the kitchen when I found myself saying out loud "I really don't much care". Well, there is was. My mind was stating its intention to binge. I heard it. I recognized it. I understood it. And did it anyway. It started with dinner - helping myself to a few bites of Dad's cheddar broccoli soup. Then the schnitzel. Then the gravy. Then it became the ice cream when I dished up his evening snack. Then it was the bars in the boxes. By the time I went to sleep, I had consumed 7 or 9 bars of different types, I'm not entirely sure. So, of course, I am up a couple of pounds today. And, of course, tomorrow is weigh in. And, of course, I am having stomach issues today and a carb hangover.
Today is a new day. It is humbling to me that every day we get a "do over". I can't undo yesterday. I can't uneat a single thing. I can pat myself on the back a little for recognizing the intention that I stated, which I didn't before. I only saw it in hindsight. I can love myself a little bit harder today. I can understand that momentary failures don't have to be a defining reality. I can let it be a temporary thing. Relapse is a part of recovery, I have been told. I am new to this recovery thing, so I don't know for myself.
Today, it is back to what I know calms my soul - my Food Plan. I will store the new food that came in, move the more difficult items to a less available location and start putting my life back in order. Apparently order is very important to me. And I will be thankful that my binges don't last until morning. Yet.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Working Without a Net
For the past 2 days, I have not been recording my food. I am working this program on faith - eat 5 packets, one measured lean & green with appropriate fats, drink water, move, sleep, done. Nothing more, nothing less. So what's my problem with this?
I am so used to tracking every bite, recording every meal, making lists and checking boxes that my OCD is sort of rebelling with this "new" approach. I have done it, mind you. I do still plan my meals for the week on a spreadsheet, but that is also for Dad's benefit. I write on the calendar what we are having for dinner a week at a time. The calendar is his Bible - he stands in front of it multiple times per day, checking something. I'm never quite sure what he is checking, but he is checking. It is sort of his talisman. If I change my mind about what we are having, it throws him.
But the rest? My mind says "How am I supposed to know if I am blowing it? How do I keep myself organized? How do I know if the 15 carb meals and the broccoli are too much?" sort of like Dad does with the calendar. And I try to quietly tell my mind that I don't have to know. All I have to do is eat 5 packets. Any 5 packets. And the L&G. After 2 days, my mind is beginning to accept this. I am beginning to not feel like I am forgetting something. I am starting to relax into this, like I did at the beginning.
(Speaking of the beginning - I passed my Mediversary without noticing. July 14, 2012 is when I started).
Yesterday, I got a shipment of food. That is an immediate trigger to sample everything in the box. I did not. I have some new things that I want to try, so I have scheduled them into my Food Plan for this week. Of course, I only have 4 "slots" available to work with as I can't mess with the sacred ritual of sharing bites with my cat while in bed reading. That is a Holy Rite, says She Who Must Be Obeyed.
How is my weight doing, being an unapologetic daily weigher? Oh, I'm still looking at the same number. My body did tease me with another unprecedented low yesterday, but snatched it back today. But I saw it! And I'm claiming it. And I will see it again.
Here is to Day 3 of actual honesty, not Sue honesty. Here is to Day 3 of following Medifast, not MediSue. Here is to Day 3 of keeping it real!
I am so used to tracking every bite, recording every meal, making lists and checking boxes that my OCD is sort of rebelling with this "new" approach. I have done it, mind you. I do still plan my meals for the week on a spreadsheet, but that is also for Dad's benefit. I write on the calendar what we are having for dinner a week at a time. The calendar is his Bible - he stands in front of it multiple times per day, checking something. I'm never quite sure what he is checking, but he is checking. It is sort of his talisman. If I change my mind about what we are having, it throws him.
But the rest? My mind says "How am I supposed to know if I am blowing it? How do I keep myself organized? How do I know if the 15 carb meals and the broccoli are too much?" sort of like Dad does with the calendar. And I try to quietly tell my mind that I don't have to know. All I have to do is eat 5 packets. Any 5 packets. And the L&G. After 2 days, my mind is beginning to accept this. I am beginning to not feel like I am forgetting something. I am starting to relax into this, like I did at the beginning.
(Speaking of the beginning - I passed my Mediversary without noticing. July 14, 2012 is when I started).
Yesterday, I got a shipment of food. That is an immediate trigger to sample everything in the box. I did not. I have some new things that I want to try, so I have scheduled them into my Food Plan for this week. Of course, I only have 4 "slots" available to work with as I can't mess with the sacred ritual of sharing bites with my cat while in bed reading. That is a Holy Rite, says She Who Must Be Obeyed.
How is my weight doing, being an unapologetic daily weigher? Oh, I'm still looking at the same number. My body did tease me with another unprecedented low yesterday, but snatched it back today. But I saw it! And I'm claiming it. And I will see it again.
Here is to Day 3 of actual honesty, not Sue honesty. Here is to Day 3 of following Medifast, not MediSue. Here is to Day 3 of keeping it real!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
It's too HARD!!!
I have a beautiful, intelligent, goofy niece. She graduated high school and college with a perfect 4.0. However, she is not the most life-smart person on the planet. As a teenager, she asked which part of the bird a ham hock came from. I'm assuming it had something to do with "chicken hawk" but no one really knows.
As a little girl, 2 years old or so, she was being potty trained. Her Mom was in the hospital giving birth to her brother, so my brother was home alone with her. She came out one morning with a diaper for Jim to put on her. Jim said "Rebekah, go get your big girl panties." Her response. "It's too HARD!!!"
I think of this often in my life, whenever the "It's too hard!" whine comes into my head. Like today. The scale was up again today. And the little girl started with "It's too HARD!" right from the get go. It's too hard to follow Medifast and not lose weight. It's too hard to not see the results I want when I am working.so.hard. Right?
But let's get honest here. I mean, really honest, not the sort of Sue form of honesty. I have not been 100% on program, even though my conscious mind wants to think so. I have succumbed to the little bites, the extra pickle, the overdose of topping on my jello, the extra snack because it didn't affect my carb and calorie levels. So, I have not really been following Medifast at all. I guess I have been following Medislow. And, again, the little girl whines "But it's too HARD!!!!" Well, no, it isn't. It is very simple. Five little packets and 1 measured lean & green. Appropriate fat. Water. Movement. Sleep. There it is. The program in a nutshell.
So I am silencing the little girl. Just like my brother did, I sent her back for her big girl panties. Because it isn't too hard. I have done a lot harder things. I just make it too hard.
Today, I will not track my food. I will work without a net, which really irritates the OCDness in my mind. I will eat 5 packets, 1 measured L&G with the required fat, drink my water and leave the rest alone. I don't need to taste Dad's ice cream when I am dishing it up. They will make more. I don't need to spray Reddi Whip on my finger after putting the correct amount on my jello. I don't need to eat 3 snacks because I "have the room" on my tracker. I will do this as written. Period. Regardless of the scale, I need to do this because I need to submit myself to the program as written - if for no other reason, than for the structure and mindlessness of it. Because I will always have to have a food plan.
I have come so far over the past 6 1/2 years. I maintained a 100+ lb loss for 2 years. Then I gained back half of it. But I didn't gain back all of it plus some. I have been exercising willingly and joyfully for 5 years because I can. I have been a whole food Gestapo for 6 years. I have instituted a lot of healthy changes in my life that have become habits of health. So lets just get in and get this done already! Stop fighting with it and just do it. Be actually, really honest with myself not Sue honest. Sue honest never really worked anyway.
As a little girl, 2 years old or so, she was being potty trained. Her Mom was in the hospital giving birth to her brother, so my brother was home alone with her. She came out one morning with a diaper for Jim to put on her. Jim said "Rebekah, go get your big girl panties." Her response. "It's too HARD!!!"
I think of this often in my life, whenever the "It's too hard!" whine comes into my head. Like today. The scale was up again today. And the little girl started with "It's too HARD!" right from the get go. It's too hard to follow Medifast and not lose weight. It's too hard to not see the results I want when I am working.so.hard. Right?
But let's get honest here. I mean, really honest, not the sort of Sue form of honesty. I have not been 100% on program, even though my conscious mind wants to think so. I have succumbed to the little bites, the extra pickle, the overdose of topping on my jello, the extra snack because it didn't affect my carb and calorie levels. So, I have not really been following Medifast at all. I guess I have been following Medislow. And, again, the little girl whines "But it's too HARD!!!!" Well, no, it isn't. It is very simple. Five little packets and 1 measured lean & green. Appropriate fat. Water. Movement. Sleep. There it is. The program in a nutshell.
So I am silencing the little girl. Just like my brother did, I sent her back for her big girl panties. Because it isn't too hard. I have done a lot harder things. I just make it too hard.
Today, I will not track my food. I will work without a net, which really irritates the OCDness in my mind. I will eat 5 packets, 1 measured L&G with the required fat, drink my water and leave the rest alone. I don't need to taste Dad's ice cream when I am dishing it up. They will make more. I don't need to spray Reddi Whip on my finger after putting the correct amount on my jello. I don't need to eat 3 snacks because I "have the room" on my tracker. I will do this as written. Period. Regardless of the scale, I need to do this because I need to submit myself to the program as written - if for no other reason, than for the structure and mindlessness of it. Because I will always have to have a food plan.
I have come so far over the past 6 1/2 years. I maintained a 100+ lb loss for 2 years. Then I gained back half of it. But I didn't gain back all of it plus some. I have been exercising willingly and joyfully for 5 years because I can. I have been a whole food Gestapo for 6 years. I have instituted a lot of healthy changes in my life that have become habits of health. So lets just get in and get this done already! Stop fighting with it and just do it. Be actually, really honest with myself not Sue honest. Sue honest never really worked anyway.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
The number on the scale
As much as I love seeing the number on the scale, I am getting tired of seeing the SAME number on the scale. Two weeks ago, I started on a challenge to stay 100% OP (on program). I have done that. For 2 weeks. I initially went down 1.8, but it came back the next day and has been there all week. Today, I am down 0.2 from yesterday. Yes, I like the fact that the number is not going up. But it is supposed to be going DOWN. My weigh in for the first week of the challenge? Up 0.6. Sigh.
I know that this happens to everyone if they stick it out long enough. I also know it won't stay here. There is no way a body can maintain on less than 1000 calories per day. I can't go by my measurements because my skin is loose enough that I can't get a good measurement. I mean, where, exactly, did I measure last time? Without tattooing a "measure here" sign, I'm not sure. How tightly did I hold the tape? I take my measurements and compare them to the last time and they are BIGGER not smaller. My measurements have not changed all year, according to the tape, even though I have lost 17 lbs and my clothes are much much looser. So, see, my body has changed but I don't seem to be able to measure it.
So, what are my choices here when dealing with the frustration? What can I do? There are a two things.
1. I can say "Screw it! This isn't working anymore!" and go on an eating tear. Now, THAT will really accomplish a lot, won't it? It will just make my body weigh more, make my body feel crummy and my mind sluggish and make me even more frustrated. Except then I will add sorrow and guilt to the mix.
- or -
2. I can just stick it out. Track every bite. Drink my water. Eat my packets. Move my body. Basically follow the program. My body has no choice but to respond appropriately. Eventually.
When I was in Weight Watchers, I would run into times like this. Often. It seems that my body is reluctant to move to a number it has not seen in a long time, which is where I am today. I would get frustrated, even angry. I kept thinking "If I follow the program, I will lose weight. Period. Well, I followed the program, so what's the deal here?." But I was omitting the most important word from this sentence - eventually. If I follow the program, I will eventually lose weight. Maybe not right now. Maybe not even next week. But the scale always gives me the results I deserve. Just not always in the week I deserve them.
So, I will move into week 3 of being 100% on program. This, in itself, is a victory. I have not strung together this many days in a row since I took a "day off" for Christmas. After some terrible days of doing violence to my body with food, I am calmly following the program. I am being ever vigilant in identifying triggers that will send me over the edge. As I will have to do every moment for the rest of my life.
I know that this happens to everyone if they stick it out long enough. I also know it won't stay here. There is no way a body can maintain on less than 1000 calories per day. I can't go by my measurements because my skin is loose enough that I can't get a good measurement. I mean, where, exactly, did I measure last time? Without tattooing a "measure here" sign, I'm not sure. How tightly did I hold the tape? I take my measurements and compare them to the last time and they are BIGGER not smaller. My measurements have not changed all year, according to the tape, even though I have lost 17 lbs and my clothes are much much looser. So, see, my body has changed but I don't seem to be able to measure it.
So, what are my choices here when dealing with the frustration? What can I do? There are a two things.
1. I can say "Screw it! This isn't working anymore!" and go on an eating tear. Now, THAT will really accomplish a lot, won't it? It will just make my body weigh more, make my body feel crummy and my mind sluggish and make me even more frustrated. Except then I will add sorrow and guilt to the mix.
- or -
2. I can just stick it out. Track every bite. Drink my water. Eat my packets. Move my body. Basically follow the program. My body has no choice but to respond appropriately. Eventually.
When I was in Weight Watchers, I would run into times like this. Often. It seems that my body is reluctant to move to a number it has not seen in a long time, which is where I am today. I would get frustrated, even angry. I kept thinking "If I follow the program, I will lose weight. Period. Well, I followed the program, so what's the deal here?." But I was omitting the most important word from this sentence - eventually. If I follow the program, I will eventually lose weight. Maybe not right now. Maybe not even next week. But the scale always gives me the results I deserve. Just not always in the week I deserve them.
So, I will move into week 3 of being 100% on program. This, in itself, is a victory. I have not strung together this many days in a row since I took a "day off" for Christmas. After some terrible days of doing violence to my body with food, I am calmly following the program. I am being ever vigilant in identifying triggers that will send me over the edge. As I will have to do every moment for the rest of my life.
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