I don't make New Year's Resolutions. Instead, what I do is to dedicate my year to a particular lesson. Some lessons take multiple years. I think this may be one of them.
This year, my lesson was to learn to just let things be. Let it go and let it happen. To "accept the things I cannot change". Basically, to resign as CEO of the Universe.
One thing I have realized is that it is time to let Medifast go. I have been struggling with a binge issue for months. And I am seeing that, for me, the "all or nothing-ness" of Medifast lends itself to binging. Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful program. I would not be at the weight I am without it. At least not at this point. And I'm not saying that I won't use it again. I have learned many good lessons from it, as well. But it is so unforgiving. One wrong bite on the 5&1 and you can kick yourself out of ketosis, and once I have done that I may as well just continue until tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and I may as well put if off another day since I won't be back in the "fat burn" state for a couple of days.
Weight Watchers doesn't do that. I had a small blow out on Friday this week on protein bars. I ate 6 of them in one day. But what would have been a major issue, leading to more and more eating, was just something that I used my Weekly points for. And not even all of them. So, yes, it qualifies as binge because, as I define it, I was eating out of control, eating things I didn't really want, eating when I wasn't hungry, and eating in secret. But it was sort of like a 'controlled burn', if you will. And on Sunday, I was even down on the scale. Not much - only 0.2 - but down nonetheless. Weight Watchers is not a fast loss program, so I don't expect a lot. I just don't want to go in the other direction. And I would like to ease the last 20 lbs off. Or maintain here. I am really not picky at this point.
I have so many other things going on and I really can't afford to worry about them all. As a matter of fact, worrying is a wasted emotion. It avoids no crisis and gets nothing done. All it does is wear away at my own health. And while watching my strong, unflappable Father disappear I am being forced to realize that there are things over which I simply have no control. This is one of them. And instead of being frustrated with him because he is having a particularly "dumb" day, I have to accept that this is how it is. And it isn't going to get better. If I fight his decline, I am harming his fragile hold on his pride and I am harming my own soul.
Now, that is not to say that I don't, on occasion, fight it. I do. I get frustrated. I get angry. I get sad. And none of that has helped anything. It hasn't slowed the rate of his demise and it hasn't added to my own peace in the situation. So I need to let it go. Accept this thing that I cannot change. Accept that there are some games in which I have no player. Let other people work out their own lives without my intervention. Give those I love the gift of unconditional acceptance and love that everyone needs and deserves.
Here it is the middle of October and I am still working on this one. I have the feeling that it will be a multi-year process. I will tackle the "change those things that I can" and "the wisdom to know the difference" later. Right now, today, this is a big enough challenge.
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