Am I enough?

I overate yesterday.  I sat down with the nut jar and ate all the almonds I could find.  Of course, I was not looking at them - I did it by the Braille method.  Today, I woke up with that same old overwhelming sadness on me.  I also know I listened to my process in bed last night but when the dog woke me up at 5:45, I couldn't find the MP3 player.  It was already in the living room and I don't remember bringing it out here.  Apparently I did that when the dog went out around 3 or so.

I am feeling like this is both not working and I am not working it.  Like I am waiting for my Elliptical to come before I can keep going.  But I do fine my food choices better.  I can't say I am obsessing any less, though.  When I was doing WW or MF, I always had a support group to share with, ask questions of, etc.  This time, I'm on my own.  I will ask at the center this weekend if they know of any closed FB groups or message boards around for PCH.  But then, maybe I really don't want it.  I don't want to read the negative remarks people make.  This is the last program I am going to do.  If I learn nothing, if I have tossed away $3,000, then it is on me and I am done.  I hope at least that I will learn enough to not be on Intervention or My 600 lb Life.  I don't want to live my life from a position of fear. I want to live it from a position of joy. 

I have felt for some time that I need to eat what my body says it needs, that my mind knows what that is, that the Sue plan is a perfectly acceptable plan.  I know this.  Every program I have been on, I eventually rewrite.  The WW Core program is a great program but the low fat/fat free aspect of it is not good.  Fat doesn't make you fat - sugar does.  Medifast is in a category of its own - it caused me to binge and binge badly.  The 100 plan is more like my natural way of eating but fruit is bad, any sort of wheat/bread is bad, any carb source other than nuts and vegetables is bad.  I am tired of vilifying whole food groups.  I agree with eating things I recognize and avoiding chemicals in my food.  I am starting to tap into my own mind/body rule for eating.  I don't avoid fat, but I don't eat cheese wrapped in bacon and deep fried.  I like brightly colored food, I love cilantro in anything.  I can get along with some cheese but I don't need to make pizza dough out of a whole package of cheese and then eat the whole thing.  My mind is saying that this is not what I need.  But I also don't feel like I need to avoid things.  If I want to eat cake, I want to make the choice to eat it, put the slice on a plate and acknowledge that i am eating it - not cut a teeny slice and shove it in my mouth before I notice it.  As my last hypnotist put it - I want to eat cake, but on my terms not on its.

He did say that there are 4 stages to this process.  And that many people find themselves agitated and resistant in the second stage, which is where I am now.  And if I stop and look at it realistically, I see that there are many changes taking place.  I also know that it isn't all going to happen in one month which is why this is a 9 month program and the processes make reference to completing the whole program.  I will remind myself that what I think and feel do not necessarily reflect reality.  And what my mind thinks, my body hears.

In the meantime, my freezer and fridge are packed again.  I have more things on order.  So this is another piece of my obsession that has popped out because my binging is not happening so much.  So I will listen to my processes and give myself permission to have peace.  To know that I am enough, that I am complete.  That I do not need to fill myself up from the outside.

One month of changes

Again, I am reminded that this journey toward weighlessness has so little to do with the number on the scale. This is simply an outward manifestation of an internal process.  Which means that I can't fight the fight externally - I have to do it internally.  Even though I sometimes think that this just isn't working, this is the process I need to take whether or not the weight comes off.  I have so many years of relying on food and drink for my entertainment and companionship, so many years of being terrified that I won't have enough food or wine that it will take more than a month to rewire my mind.  But there are some positive changes.

I am still more or less free of the oppressive cloud of depression and sadness that  I have carried on my shoulder for the past year.

I am finding that my body reacts better to some things and not so well with others, even if they are considered "healthy".  For instance, I see no problem in my body from using aspartame, but an apple does my in.  If I wasn't hungry when I ate it, I will be chewing on my arm in 15 minutes.  Eating eggs for breakfast is like eating nothing.  A hard boiled egg just feels like eating air.  Also, as much as I love my morning coffee, drinking it makes me hungry all day.   Even though it is half caf now, I am going to add another layer of decaf to the mix so that I can still drink my morning coffee without reacting to it all day.

I am thinking of certain foods that I used to consider a staple and just not wanting to eat them.  These include the copious amounts of cheese and butter I ate as a low carber.  My body seems to be telling me that this is just too much and I don't want to eat them.

Last night, on my way home from work to start my 5 day vacation, my knee jerk reaction was to crack open a bottle of wine but then I asked myself "Is this going to serve me? In what way will it serve me?".  It is not just the manic reaction to the drinking of the wine, but there is also the depressive reaction for the next few days.  Is this serving me?  My "lizard brain" of course want the wine.  It is wired to seek the pleasure.  But my responsible side needs to look at the next day or two when I will be lying on the couch recovering.  And thinking "why did I do that?". 

So I am confident that as I change my inside, my outside will reflect the changes.  Actually, someone has already noticed - she said I looked more vibrant somehow.  I first thought it much be my new complexion brush, or my makeup, or my different shade of lipstick. But I think it is simply the outward manifestation of some inner changes.

Positive changes, healthy beginnings.

I am 3 weeks into this 9 month program.  I have made some realizations, had a few AHA moments and seen some changes that can only be termed Positive Changes.

I don't feel that overwhelming cloud of sadness sitting on my everywhere I go

Yes, I'm moving more, enjoying the feel of my body again and eating better.  But that isn't this week's big deal.  This week, there were 2 of them.

1. For many months now, every Monday and Friday I would stop by Bigelow Gulp for my 32 oz quad shot sugar free latte made with unsweetened almond milk.  No sugar, true.  No dairy either.  But lately I had been noticing that it seemed like too much caffeine in my blood so it some days too 2 days to drink it.  Last Monday, I decided I didn't really want it and that I would just wait until Friday.  Also, I decided to trim it down to a venti triple shot.  Well, Friday came and I got to the corner where I would turn right to go to the coffee shop or turn left and go to work.  I realized I really didn't want the latte at all.  I turned left and went to work, never really feeling like I had missed out on anything.

2. I had changed my wine over-drinking day to Saturday instead of Friday since I read that the only people who can't be hypnotized are those who are under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  And since my sessions are almost always on Saturday, I change my "day" to Saturday. And then decided that I would change my bottle from 1.5 liters to 750 ml.  Last night was "my day".  I had dinner with my brother and SIL and didn't get home until 8:30.  And I completely forgot to drink my bottle of wine.  That didn't occur to me until this morning but, again, I don't feel like I missed out on anything.  Actually, last weekend, I got a bit of a hint that this was coming.  I was very aware of how bad my stomach felt on Sunday and I didn't like it or feel like it was acceptable any more

I am finding myself seeing that side of myself - the addictive one, the binge eater, the binge drinker, the one who uses men like Kleenex - as a child energy that spent 60 years trying to be filled.  I can look at her with profound love and my adult energy can mother her and heal her now. At this point in my life, she doesn't need to be filled.  She doesn't need to be afraid.  She doesn't need to be numb in order to feel safe.

I used to have a vision of myself as a balloon floating around the air always looking for a tree to tie myself to.  And, at some point, I realized that I was becoming a tree myself.  But while I have been that tree for many years now, the balloon was still floating around out there.  Still looking for a place to land.  Still looking for a place to be safe.  "There's no place safe and no safe place to lay my head". Still afraid.  I am now merging this part of myself into the adult "tree like" part of myself.  She did the best she could to feel safe with what she knew at the time. But this no longer serves me or my current goals of health, vitality and peace. Keeping me safe is no longer her job, her responsibility.  It is mine.

These things that are changing in my life are so much more than mere weight.  Weight is a symptom of the same thing that the drinking, sex, shopping and obsessing about food are.  A means of trying to feel safe.  Finally.  Trying to feel grounded rather than adrift.

 After Dad's death, I was suddenly adrift again without a higher purpose and without a rudder. This is what this part of my journe is all about.  The weight will follow in it's own time.

It's been a long time

It's been nearly a year since my last post.  So many things have changed since then.  It has been a year of extreme transition, heartache and survival.

A year ago, my Dad died.  After his death, just when I figured I was going to be able to live in his house, I was informed that the house would go on the market in the Fall.  I had to find a place to land.  My sister started sending me real estate listings.  I started looking at mobiles.  She said she would cosign a mortgage for me.  Well, that part didn't happen.  But we found a place that works, and works well.  We each put up $15k and she loaned me the other $35k at no interest.  The house actually is a mobile but it's called a "detitled mobile", meaning that the wheels have been removed and it has been tied down to a foundation and retitled as real property so when I bought the house, I bought the lot too.  It is small - 1100 sq ft - but has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.  My sister has a room here that she uses when she is in town with or without her husband.  And dog.

 I moved in August along with my 17 year old cat and Dad's dog.  I was there for 1 week before I started work in a call center for the Washington health exchange.  I like the job but more than anything, I like having the structure of a job.  However, since Fall, I have been fighting serious depression.  I started back on Medifast in September after gaining 50 lbs over the past year.  I lost 20 but just couldn't stand it this time.  I stopped and went low carb. I gained 10 lbs.  So now I was up 40 lbs.  Funny, I never maintain my losses, but I also don't go back where I started.  But I could see it coming.  Physically, I am not the 300 lb person I was in 2007, but mentally I am very close.

On March 28, I decided to try Positive Changes Hypnosis.  Yes, it is expensive - $2727 up front.  But I spent more than that the year I was on Medifast.  I know how to eat properly. What I need is to want to.

So I will blog about this part of my journey for now.  This journey has been a lot longer and more convoluted than I ever expected when I started it 8 years ago.  My life has taken a lot of turns I didn't see coming, too.  But here I am - still fighting for life, still trying to find a way to get through it, still too stubborn to lie down and quit. I thought I had it all together with Weight Watchers.  And I did.  Until I didn't.  Medifast worked for me but caused me to binge.  Well, the program didn't.  The "all or nothingness" of it did.  My issue, not Medifast.  But I am sooooo tired of thinking about food.  So tired of counting, measuring, worrying, obsessing.  I need a break from it all - but a break that will not leave me 300 lbs.  This is what I am doing.

And I have to say, the hypnosis is actually amazing.  I am calmer, I slept 6 hours straight 2 days last week (can't remember the last time THAT happened), I feel lighter, I don't think about food as much, I have lost some weight and best of all - the depression is lifting.  I occasionally recognize something that passes for joy.  This is my life and I am claiming it.  It does not honor my parents or the job that we did if I fall apart.  A year of trying to find my feet is enough.

So this is the next part of my journey.  The last part.  The final part.  My house is beginning to feel like home.  I like my job.  It doesn't pay what I used to make, but I can live on it fine.  The dog and cat are in relatively good health.  My health is just fine.  And I am rediscovering my place in the world.  I am proud of what I have done, what I have been through, what I have survived. And it will go on.