Peace

Not a very deep blog today.  Things are fairly calm here right now.  I was hoping for a good weigh in this week, but it will not be. I weigh in tomorrow and am currently a full pound over last week.  Which was 1.6 over the week before.  But I am working on containing my urges - eating, shopping, etc.  Today is a day to hit the grocery store and I am actually excited.  I wake up early on Wednesdays because that is the day the grocery ads come out.  All of which are geared towards feeding me in some fashion. 

I keep thinking that I should get this already.  I mean, I understand that I have a problem.  I am identifying my triggers.  So why do the compulsions to overeat still attack me?  Perhaps I am expecting too much.  That, by the way, was a tongue in cheek comment.  Some parts of me think that this should be an instantaneous thing - I know what is going on, so now it should be over.  I should be past it all the way to total mental health.  I guess it doesn't work that way.  Now that I am seeing myself more clearly, I will be tested.  It is one thing to understand what is happening.  It is another thing to do something about it.  That is the basis of this whole journey.  I knew I was fat.  Too fat to be healthy.  To fat to live to be an old old woman.  But knowing this and doing something about it were two separate issues.

Well, I am doing something about it.  I am down 117 pounds.  And when the binge demons strike and I agree to let them have their way with my body, I know what I am doing.  I know that I am binging.  I am not mindless.  I also know what the consequences will be.  And I am learning what I need to do to avoid it.  But doing those things when the demons are screaming so loud it is hard to hear my own voice?  When it is just easier to give in than to fight them even one more moment?  That is different.  I realize that I did this with my kids, too.  If they made a whole lot of noise with the ensuing confusion I would have given them almost anything to get them to stop.  I often felt like I had given birth to a race of alien insects who were sucking my brain dry.   Like my kids, the demons don't make a request.  They don't ask politely for permission to destroy my peace.  They scream and cry and wail until I am willing to give them anything to make them stop.  I can almost hear my kids "Mom! Mom! No, Talk To Me!!! Mama!"

Wow, this fight goes back a long way, doesn't it? My kids are both in their late 30s now.  When asked many many years ago what I wanted from life, all I could say was "Peace".  Being an aging flower child, I figured I was just a product of my generation.  Now, I'm not so sure.  I think it is deeper than that.  I think my deep thirst for peace is bigger than that.

On with the journey.  Today is a bright sunny day.  I will walk the dog, weed the garden, do the laundry, get to the grocery store and follow my list, cook dinner and follow my food plan. Tonight, I will go celebrate with some friends as they marry each other.  And I will do that without cake, without champagne, without worrying about what food is available.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.  But, today?  I got this.

My deepest fears

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  You were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~Marianne Williamson

There is so much truth in this statement.  I know I talk about feeling like I have no value.  The problem is not that I have no value.  The problem is that I have too much value.  I have too much power, and I know it.  I have been given so many gifts, there are so many things at which I excel.  And I know this.  My feelings of inferiority are simply the fear of my power all dressed up in a fat suit.  I am not afraid that I will disappear.  I am afraid that I will not be able to disappear.  I am afraid of the beauty and strength that lie within me because on many levels I feel like I don't deserve them.  And I don't know what to do with them.  And I'm not sure I want them. These things have served to keep me safe.  But I have outgrown them now.  And if I haven't, I need to.

In the beautiful words of Max Ehrmann's Desiderata:

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here.

I'm afraid of what comes after the weight loss.  I'm afraid of how to live my life when I'm not being a "rock star" for having lost a pile of weight.  That is when I will have to admit, accept and even embrace my power because wasting my power serves no one.  Not me.  Not you.  Not God.  So who am I to take this precious gift I have been given and put it away never to be used?  I use the good china, I wear my good clothes, I wear my pretty jewelry to walk the dog.  How can I not use this?

I think our assignment on this earth is to learn to use the gifts I have been given, we have all been given.  To understand all the ways I have used my weight as a defense. To remove myself from the little box I have put myself into and step out in faith.  And, you know, I can already feel the box collapsing!       

Worth the investment

The question was asked today what changes I made in order to realize that I was worth the investment in myself.  I thought and thought.  The most difficult thing for me to admit is that I have value.  I know that I am loved by others.  But admitting that I have value in and of myself is a tough one.  By admitting this, acknowledging it and celebrating it, I then have to treat myself differently.  I have to be willing to live this truth.  I need to value myself.

 In valuing myself, I have to be willing to surrender the reins of my Dad's care on my days off. I have understand that I have value outside of what I can do. I need to  accept that I am worth more than to do violence to my body by binge eating. Eating in secret, which is different that simply eating alone, is a violent act against my Self.

In a related, but separate thought, the food demons bared their ugly heads again on Saturday. My food is all in my room as there is no space in the kitchen, and Dad would eat the bars thinking they were fair game. This seems to be my "place" to eat, and since all I have down there are Medifast foods, I eat those. Too much of a good thing is still too much. So my solution? I moved everything that is "grab & go" - bars, puffs, pretzels - and packed them on a box. I moved the box out of my room and will find somewhere in an unused portion of the pantry that Dad rarely looks in. That way they are available for meals, but not solo binging.  All that is within my reach at bedtime now are things that need to be prepared.  Sure, I have water, a fridge and a microwave available, but I am not likely to get out of bed, mix up a bowl of soup and heat it up.  Besides, who binges on soup?  Particularly Medifast soup?

And in doing this, I also realized that sometimes, we need to change ourselves. Sometimes we need to change our circumstances. Happy Monday!

The time of my life

I am coming to understand that this journey towards weightlessness is a whole lot more involved than a simple number on the scale.  I am finding dark, musty corners of my soul - secret places where nobody looked, especially me.  The closer I look, the more I find.  This is really not all that unusual, I don't think.  I'm not saying that I am rotten to the core.  Not at all.  I am an intelligent, kind, loving person with a off beat (and mostly off color) sense of humor.  But I am flawed.

That said, I, like most other people, am in a fight for my life.  I refuse to lie down and accept my issues as "just the way it is".  The way my body reacts to certain stimuli is something I have to accept because I can't change it.  Lord knows, if it could have been changed, it would have been done by now.  I've certainly had enough practice! I have to accept that, in the presence of sugar or wine, my demons will rise up and scream to be fed "More More More!!".  But that doesn't mean that I get to lie down and wallow in the hopelessness of it.  No, I have choices.  I always have choices.  And I am not hopeless.

I have spent my earlier life simply reacting.  I was in a constant state of "duck and cover".  It didn't occur to me that I had any personal power whatsoever.  I never considered having a plan or an ambition or a goal.  As a result, my life continued in circles, from one bad situation to another.  Sure I found some sunshine along the way, but I was convinced that the depth of the goodness of something was in direct proportion to the agony it caused.  I mean, if it hurt this badly I must really love it, right?  Well, no, not right.

At the age of 55, I assumed control of my life.  Once my body got used to clean eating, the depression I had lived with my whole life began to lift.  The clouds parted and I allowed the sunshine into my soul without labeling it as "boring".  I began to make a plan.  I began to look at myself and start to clean up the messes that I had made.  Sort of like walking into your house one day and realizing that if the police came in unannounced they would think you had been ransacked.  So I started to sort and dust and put things away.  But I never looked in that closet.  You know the one - the one where you just open the door, toss stuff in and quickly shut it before everything else you have tossed in there comes spilling out.

Well, now, at the ripe old age of 61, I have decided to start cleaning out that closet.  And, oh my, the crap I have in there!  So many things that probably served me at one time but no longer do.  So much stuff that doesn't fit, doesn't help and isn't necessary to keep.  My closet reminds me of an episode of Hoarders - full of the junk that I have refused to let go of for so long that the rafters are starting to crack.  So I am dragging it out, piece by piece, little by little, and looking at it.  Deciding if it should stay or if it should go.  And with every item that I pull out and allow the light of day into, my life becomes a little less heavy.  I little more weightless.

Blessings on our journeys, folks.  It is, quite literally, the time of our lives.

Some thanks, and some realizations

Today is a better day.  I see sun peeking out between the clouds.  I was able to walk the dog without being rained on.  My brain is calming down and no longer feels like I have a twirling dervish inside.  I have been OP for 30 hours now and I'm feeling fine.  My last binge did not knock me out of fat burn - Saturday's did, but not Wednesday - so I don't have that fight on my hands.  Not that that is necessarily a good thing - it's just a thing.  I'm not trying to see how much I can get away with.  I am not telling anyone anywhere to follow my examples.  I have never done that - most of my examples are negative ones.

But I have made some realizations. 

1.  My body's reaction to sugar and wine are 2 of the things I cannot change. 

2. I keep wondering why I am having such an issue now.   What is it about now that is so different than before?  Years ago, when I first started this journey, I became a compulsive food shopper.  I have always loved grocery shopping.  But perhaps I got a little out of hand and perhaps I should have noticed it when a) I had enough food in my tiny 1 bedroom apartment to feed a small nation and b) I took out payday loans so that I could go grocery shopping. Out of hand? You think???  Anyway, my daughter pointed out that I had transferred my eating addiction into a shopping addiction.  Still not ringing any bells, though.

I came home 3 years ago to be my folks' caretaker.  I do the grocery shopping here.  I pretty much had an unlimited budget from the get go.  Their once empty freezers and cupboards  were quickly filling.  I was thinking I may need to use duct tape to keep the freezer door shut like I did in my apartment.  Still no bell ringing in my head, however.

Then, about 2 months ago, the money situation changed.  I now have a grocery budget.  I can't indiscriminately shop.  And the money is a lot tighter. All of a sudden, the food demons are back.  They have pulled off their masks and are back in my face.  All of a sudden, the bells are clanging loud and clear in my head.  I see now that they never left, never quieted down.  They simply put on masks.  It is like a balloon - if I squeeze in one place, a different one pops out.  I see now that I have spent my life in the throws of multiple addictions and if one wasn't active, another one was.  And they all have the same face.  Mine.

This is an arduous journey.  This is a daunting task.  But it's one I don't have to walk alone.  My demons thrive on "alone".  They are fed by secrets.

SO thank you for giving me a place to work through all of this.  I know I share too much.  I know I am overly transparent.  But I am grateful. Truly.

What I say is not necessarily what I do.

We all say we want to reach goal as quickly as possible.  We all say we want to be healthy, at our goal weight, looking wonderful RIGHT NOW.  But do we?  Do we really?

I am finding that every time I hit a new low weight wise, I wind up binging - either a minor one or a major one.  I will follow every rule, avoid any bites, licks or tastes, drink all my water.  I will do this for a few days and it will work.  I will weigh in at a new low.  Then all hell breaks loose.  Something comes up - this week it was a wedding reception - and I'm off.  I take that first bite of whatever wonderful (or even not quite so wonderful) looking sludge and I am off and running.  And every time I tell myself that I will just have this one cracker, or potato chip, or party mint or handful of mixed nuts because I have "earned it".  I will just have this one, then I will skip my next meal and it will all work out in the end.  Right.  And every time, I find something else that needs to be eaten today before I go back on plan tomorrow.  And I can always find things - even if they are Medifast bars. 

I am a compulsive overeater.  I am a binge eater and a binge alcoholic.  Once I get that first hit of sugar or wine, I don't stop until I run out or pass out.  The next day, I feel like I have been run over by a train - which is good, because it is exactly what I deserve, I tell myself.  And the trigger does not have to be a hugely emotional jolt, like the suicide of my former fiance last month.  Sometimes, it is plain old fear.  I am currently at a lower weight than I have been since the 80s.  Maybe 90s.  Who knows anymore.  But I am fighting myself every step of the way.  Using a stop and evaluate strategy does not really work when I am mid-binge.  Mainly because I am not in a helpless spiral - rather, I don't want to stop.  Not yet.  Maybe later. Like tomorrow.

And even with this, I keep losing weight.  Not as quickly as I would like, but probably far faster than I deserve.  But I know.  I  know that this is the very activity that built me a 300 pound body.  And I know that this very activity is just waiting to build me another one.  And I know that if I don't do the mental work to set in place strategies to stop this before it starts, I will be there again. I have even considered transitioning here so that I don't lose anymore weight and just maintain here.  My doctor would be fine with it.  I would not.  I need to finish what I started.  I need to GET IT.  I need to not just understand, but accept that this is the only thing that my body will do - it will respond to these stimuli this way Every. Single. Time.

So, I am on yet another sick cycle, feeling hungover from last nights eating.  And planning my strategy to mitigate the consequences.  And, once again, working on the whys - why I want to lose weight, why I do what I do, why sometimes I don't stop. 

My thoughts on the Medifast program

Thoughts for today: I was a skeptic at the beginning of this program. I committed myself to 1 month. I lost 12 pounds the first week, so I stayed. And the food was acceptable. I never expected, nor do I WANT, to find the food "yummy good". I don't WANT to love it. I don't WANT to find ways to make it "oh so good". I don't WANT to have a month's worth of binge-able foodstuffs at hand. I want to take my mind OFF of food and ONTO my health. If eating packets of sawdust would get me there, I would do that. I am working to change what I WANT from expecting "yummy nummy goodness" each and every time I put something in my mouth to something more substantial. I am changing my WANTS. I WANT to be able to walk in the sunshine for as long as I feel like it. I WANT to be able to be happy, sad, frustrated, bored or any other emotion without the need of numbing it, or celebrating it, with food. I WANT to be one of THOSE people.

So,if you are questioning it, look at the program as a prescription, which it originally was. Use the food as a tool and find your "joy" (if you need to find joy in your food) in your L&G. And keep in mind - food is not supposed to be our friend, our comfort, our relaxation, our de-stresser. We need to find other avenues for that. We need to mourn our previous relationship with food with all of the stages of grief while creating a new one. We need to be working TOWARD our goals, accepting that our bodies will never be like everyone else's.

And I, in particular, need to GET that my body will never ever react in any other way in the presence of too much "yumminess" than to lay down extra layers of fat.

The Magic of the Group

I think we all started our weight loss journey at a pretty low point in our lives - embarrassed, ashamed of our bodies, etc. - but with just enough hope left to think that this one might change that. My beginning was Weight Watchers. I joined alone and felt pretty disconnected from every one and everything. I had a dark cloud hanging over my head. I was actually pretty ill, and this was just the very last time I was going to even try. I was so scared of even trying AGAIN that I didn't tell anyone I was going to join. I did call my daughter that night but only because she was a member too. But I didn't tell anyone else at work or in my family. My family had all seen me succeed before and then put it all back on plus some. I sat there in the first meeting hating everything. I hated my leader, I hated the program and I pretty much dared the program to work. But I made a commitment to myself that I would always come, always weigh in, always journal and I would not "play games with the numbers". I would do the program as written. And little by little the cloud began to lift. Each week, I came looking to see certain faces and certain smiles. Each week, I found someone in class who inspired me and I took that inspiration with me to get through another week. I didn't know anyone's names, but I looked for their faces. Sometimes you need the group, and sometimes the group needs you. We have all become a thread in the fabric of the group and THAT is the magic of group support. It's not the program, really. There are a lot of other programs that will work if what you want is to lose some weight. But if you need more, if you want to learn about yourself, if you want to know in every fiber of your being that this is the very last time you are going to do this, then a support system can help you with that. And that is because of the group, whether it is in person or on line. So, whenever you are down and think that you might just as well quit, think about this - you never know who is counting on you to be there, to keep going. You never know who is learning from you and who has something to teach you. You never know who prays for you during the week and who is rooting for you in group. You never know when an "AHA!" moment will come that makes it all make sense. I hang onto all of these things on those days when I think that it is pointless. I look for you. You look for me. We rely on each other when we can't rely on ourselves.

Update on dogs, life, etc

In posting all of these old blogs, I realize a few things -

- I talk about the dogs then never update on what happened, because I know that everyone in the world is waiting for this.  Ha Ha.

Well, Puffy, Dad's small emergency back up sized Shih Tzu is doing well.  He just turned 7 years old, has cataracts, congenitally deformed hips, a severe double heart murmur and high blood pressure.  He is still taking anti-puke pills and bp meds.  No one has yet been able to determine why he doesn't keep food down, but if I try to take him off the meds he pukes.  On the couch.  In my spot.

So I cook his food. Once a week, I boil together 20 oz ground turkey or chicken breast and 2 good sized sweet potatoes, unpeeled.  I sometimes add some high quality grain free crunchies (he has allergies to wheat) and occasionally some greek yogurt.  He is much nicer to be around, I must say.  Dad can eat his nightly ice cream without a whining dog at his feet encouraging him to hurry and surrender the bowl.  We can eat dinner without the same thing.  Three years ago, when I came to be the parental caregiver, dinner time was unbearable.  The dog got fed under the table in an attempt to shut him up.  Of course, that didn't work, it only made it worse.  Putting him outside just made him louder.  Now, he sleeps through our dinner.  He gets his food and nothing else.  The noise wasn't enough to get Dad to stop feeding him, but hearing terms like "extending the useful life of his heart" was.  I also walk him a mile or two every day.  I watch his weight, his sodium and his manners.  Win-win, I would say.

Another thing I realized is how much I have struggled this year.  Yes, I have lost 17 lbs this year.  But I could have done so much more.  Of course, I could have done so much WORSE so I guess I won't complain. I will just work on today.  I am becoming more and more aware of my emotional eating triggers. And reactions.  Man, the mental part of this journey is the toughest of them all! 

My port of destination

June 2013

One of my favorite quotes is:

No wind blows in favor of the ship with no port of destination.

So what is my port of destination? What is my ultimate goal? In TSFL circles, the term "optimal health" is bandied around so much that is has lost all meaning to many of us. So what does "Optimal Health" really mean to me? It is not a number on the scale. There are many thin unhealthy people walking around. There are many overweight healthy people walking around, too. So, to me, this has to be unrelated to my weight.

So what is my port of destination? It is the state of being able to handle my life with calm and grace, without the terror of gaining the weight back. It is to simply be, without fear of food, without either binging or consciously not binging. To know that I am worthy and strong, stronger than the hungers that assail me from time to time. And worthy of living my life in this manner. To accomplish the goal I set out 7 years ago when I started this journey, which is to make peace with the demon, Food. If we both have to live in the same body, we need to find a way to peacefully coexist.

So what, exactly, does Optimal Health mean to you? What is YOUR port of destination? Nothing can help us arrive there if we have no goal. We have to be going somewhere rather than getting away from somewhere or we will just go in circles.

Feeling a little battered

June 2013

I'm feeling a little battered and bruised today.  Last night was the memorial service for my former fiance.  It was a lovely celebration, with good music (mostly me - but, hey, I work cheap), funny "Bob" stories and wonderful memories.  His sister put together a picture montage that ran during the whole service.  She mentioned how empowering it was to be able to edit his life. Funny.

This has been a difficult time for me - more than I expected.  He was my former fiance.  We broke up last fall.  But his family understands why and still embrace me as part of their clan.  They know that his depression was escalating and I just couldn't watch him AND my Dad disappear at the same time.  I couldn't love him enough for both of us.

So the whirlwind is over.  My fingers are appropriately sore from the seldom used guitar strings.  As far as my Medifast program?  Well, honestly? I don't really care.  I did my best most of the time.  But today is, again, a new day.  I do appreciate this program, but I am not a fanatic.  Fanatics, in most any arena, irritate the hell out of me. Regardless, I will continue on.  Breakfast is done.  I will take my shower and get the dog out for his walk.  My meals are planned for the day.  And I have a nap scheduled for later.  Kindness is the order of the day.

Be well, my friends.  Love each other. Let kindness be the order or your day.

Daily Fluctuations

June 2013

I am an unapologetic daily weigher. I do this for 2 reasons: FOR ME it takes the emphasis OFF the number and it reminds me that I have to do this every day. This approach does not work for most people and is not recommended. But this is what works for me.

That said, allow me to share my ups and downs from last week, all while being 100% OP and in fat burn. It may help others who are frustrated by the scale.

Weigh in Saturday: +/- 0
Sunday: - 1.4
Monday: + 1.4
Tuesday: -2.6
Wednesday: - 0.8
Thursday: +1
Friday: +0.8
Saturday: - 1.4

Total: - 3.2 for the week.

See how wildly the scale can swing? It is normal. This week, I have been up every day since weigh in. Not a real surprise - my meals have been on the high side on sodium and today I have sore muscles from yoga that will cause water retention. The point is, this is not fluctuations of body fat. It is water or other bodily wastes. It doesn't upset me or discourage me. What shows up on the scale is simply a snapshot of how my body relates to Earth's gravity AT THAT MOMENT. Nothing more. It is not a judgement, it is just a number.

Again, I want to stress that this approach is not recommended or even approved. Because of the wild swings our bodies take, it is recommended that we only weigh in once a week. Weight loss will never be linear. It is a very complicated physical process. Without fail, if my body has a big drop in weight, it will go back up in the next couple of days. But, over all, my weight has gone down. I am down 61 lbs on TSFL, and 116 total.

The Actual Marathon

June 2013

I often hear that weight loss is not a race, it is a marathon.  While I agree that I am not competing with anyone other than who I was yesterday, I think this is wrong. I think that the actual marathon is maintenance and the weight loss phase is training for that marathon.

I have never run a marathon.  I have never trained for one.  Actually, unless there are bees or bullets involved, I don't run.  BUT, I would never show up for a marathon without training.   This isn't something we can just go DO.  Like, wake up one morning and think "Hey, I think I'll run a marathon today.  Nothing else going on, why not?"  This would be folly, to say the least.  I would get to the start line and not have any idea how to proceed from there.  Heck, at this point in my life, I don't even know how to run anymore.

So, to be successful at it, I would need to start well in advance of the race and train.  I would need to know how to move, how to breathe, what to do when I fall, etc.  To be a successful marathoner, it needs to become a way of life.  The same goes for my weight loss journey.  In order to successfully maintain, I need to train.  I need to learn how to eat, how to move, when to eat, what to do when I fall and how to get back up before being run over by the others.  I need to make it a way of life.  I need to slowly get in shape, for however long it takes until I am fully ready to run my marathon.  If I run into a set back, I need to practice how to recover from it and keep going.  I need to develop the body awareness it will require to maintain the weight I have trained so hard to lose.

So the next time I find myself off program, wallowing in self pity with chocolate smeared all over my face, I will do my best to see it as a training exercise.  Because it is ALL a training exercise.  The successes AND the failures will all teach us valuable lessons that we will need to understand in order to be successful in our personal marathons.

Emotional Eating, or Something Close

June 2013

I have used the term Emotional Eating for many years.  The funny thing is, I didn't really understand what I meant by it until now.  It seems like an obvious thing - I "stuff" my emotions by eating. 

I tend to disassociate, meaning I don't really feel my emotions.  At my worst, I see life like I am looking through a window that is across the room.  I don't have a lot of attachment to it.  I have worked for years on this and I am getting pretty good at being present and feeling joy, as long is it isn't too intense.  But sorrow?  That gets let in little by little.  As a result of this, it takes me a lot longer to work through things like my ex-fiance's suicide that many other people might.

So, I am not sleeping very well lately.  As soon as I am ready to sleep, the pictures start in my head.  His was an extremely ugly act. Last night was particularly bad.  And, boy, did I want to binge.  But I didn't - I kept reminding myself that, in the end, it wouldn't help.  But I did have an AHA moment during this time.  This might be a no-brainer to others, but it was an insight to me:

I don't eat to comfort myself, so that I feel the physical reaction of the food.  I don't eat until my belly hurts because I want my body to feel as bad as my heart.  At least not consciously.  No, I eat to make my belly hurt so that I can feel that instead of the heart hurt.  In the same manner as another might cut themselves - "you bleed so you know you're alive" sort of thing. 

And you know what?  It's a whole lot easier to feel the belly pain.  To feel like I have been run over by a truck the next day.  I know how to do that.  But the heart pain?  Now THAT is really uncomfortable.  But eating instead of feeling is like using Neosporin on a deep infection - it heals the skin but the infection remains,  building, until it seeps into your whole system and wreaks havoc everywhere.  It's still there, and it will only get worse until it is opened up and healed.

So, for this, I have to say "thank you Bob". 

I didn't wake up wishing I had binged

June 2013

I was thinking last night about my relationship with food, particularly at night.  I have been known to binge on Medifast food since that is all I had available.  I have eaten 8 bars at one "sitting" followed by pretzels, bites and cereal.  Last night, at the end of 3 OP days, the binge buttons were glowing.  I think because my routine was altered a little - Dad went to bed early.  Only by 15 minutes, but still it was a change.  My knee-jerk reaction to being "blessedly alone" is to eat.  A lot.  Plus, I had ordered food.  I don't know why, but that makes me want to eat.  A lot.

But last night, I was thinking about what freedom from emotional eating felt like.  I looked at the food on my shelves and thought "I don't want to have my actions dictated by food".  So I acknowledged that it was there.  I looked at it and realized (again) that I don't really especially even like food.  I just really like the act of eating.  A lot. I mean, after the first 2 bites, I am not tasting it anyway.  I am just eating. Shoving my face in an attempt to fill whatever empty space is aching at that moment.  And it never does. 

But something my daughter said after having to put her beloved dog down really resonated with me.  She said that she had pretty much eaten nothing but tortilla chips for days.  She wasn't trying to comfort herself - she was trying to make her body feel as bad as her heart.  And I think that this may be what I am doing.  Because I eat until I hurt. 

So, last night, I had my cat-approved bedtime snack (Medibites), read my book and went to sleep, comfortable with the knowledge that I have food for tomorrow.  And I did not wake up this morning wishing that I had binged last night.

The Wagon Ran Over Me

May 2013

Ok, I not only fell off the wagon, but I sat there and let the wagon run over me.  I have been on a bender since Saturday afternoon.  I didn't weigh this morning, but as of yesterday, I was up more than 5 lbs.  From Friday.  Today, I feel like..... well, I feel like I sat there and let the wagon run over me.  This, after writing a blog about how I refuse to do violence to my life.  Well, I did.  Wrote it and then did exactly that.

Today is a new day.  One of a million start overs in my life.  I do realize that there is no such thing as "cheating" on this process.  It is my journey, regardless of which direction I am going.  What I did yesterday can't be undone, atoned for or erased.  Yesterday was part of my journey toward today.  I have to accept it and let it go.  Easy?  Lord, no.  Not a whole lot about this journey is easy.  But it is doable, and a valuable lesson in living in peace.

Today, just today, I will eat one meal at a time.  Every time I think about eating something that I didn't plan for, I will ask myself "is this in MY best interest or not?" and proceed from there.  And, this evening, while in bed reading, I will eat only that which has been planned for.  Nothing more.

Then, once I have conquered today, I will work on tomorrow.

The Stream & the Rock

May 2013

In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins.  Not because it is stronger, but because it perseveres.

I have lost a substantial amount of weight in the past 6 years - half of it I have lost twice.  I am down a total of 115 lbs as of this morning.  During this time, I have had many weeks where I either didn't lose or didn't lose what I thought I "earned".  This week, after fighting off 3 binges (I always seem to want to binge in bed), I am down 0.4 lbs.  That's right, 6.4 ounces. 

Many people would whine about not losing any weight.  If we don't get the results that we feel are "due" us based on the work we did, we want to quit.  "Well, there is no point in this!  I'll just eat".  Well, that will just show them - whoever "they" are.  No one wants to lose only 6.4 ounces! 

But this is where commitment comes in.  My journey is not something I can be either on or off of.  I can't "cheat" on it.  My journey is my journey, whether the scale goes up or it goes down. If I eat everything in the kitchen, it is still my journey.  A loss of a few ounces is not impressive.  But, even assuming that I "only" lose 1/2 pound per week, it will still add up given time.  So far, my pounds and my ounces have added up to 115 lbs.  And that IS impressive.

The Grand Canyon is the result of the confrontation between the stream and the rock.  It didn't happen overnight, but the result at this point is certainly impressive.  The stream persevered.  It was committed.  It continued to do what it did.  It didn't decide that it wasn't worth it when it didn't happen fast enough.  It just kept going. 

And so must we.  This is our journey, whether it is a positive one or not.  This is our journey, whether we are moving toward health or sickness.  It is our choice which direction we want to go.  With every day, every meal, every bite - it is our choice.

Today, I Choose

May 2013

I found a motivational poster that said:

"Yesterday, I was sad. Today, I am happy.  Yesterday, I had a problem.  Today, I still have the same problem, but I changed the way I look at it."

This really struck me.  So, today, I choose to see my life as a gift. Even with all its burdens, sorrows and torments, my joy shines through. My life is the only thing that I truly have - it has been with me from the beginning and will accompany me to the end. This is my home. And I will treat my home with the kindness and compassion that it requires of me. I will not do violence TO my home. I will not do violence IN my home. I will make my home a place of peace.

I will not do violence to my home by ignoring it, by not moving toward my goals, by feeding my body garbage, by harming myself in any way that I can control, by doing things that I know I will regret..

I will not do violence in my home by being unkind to my father, by ignoring a friend in need, by speaking badly about or to another person, by leaving the earth in a worse shape than I found it.

I will make my home a place of peace.  A place where others can find solace.  A place where I can find solace. Life is simply too short, too precious to be anything but kind to my fellow travelers.

Bloomsday 2013

May 2013

Sunday was Bloomsday 2013, the annual 12k race here in Spokane, WA.  It is a big deal here - about 60,000 registered and about 50,000 finishers.  And this year it was warm.  It doesn't sound warm - around 65 when we started and about 78 when we finished nearly 3 hours later.  But it was enough that I was drinking 4 or 5 cups of water at each of 5 water stations along the way and still didn't need to use a bathroom until midnight that night.  I was fine when I finished, but then you have to cross the Monroe street bridge in the sun, go around the corner into the park to get your shirt - an extra mile after the 7 1/2 miles of the race and the mile you walk to get from your car to the staging area then the start line.  By the time I got my shirt, I was about to pass out.  And I still had to get through the park to the car.  I'm thinking that, after losing 60 lbs since summer, my BP meds might be a little high.  Anyway, I started, I finished (2:38:01), I wasn't the last one done and I managed to get to my yoga class later that afternoon.

We are down to only 2 extra people now - 2 sisters left yesterday - and they leave tomorrow morning.  In the meantime, we have yard guys coming out to wrestle the yard into shape and exterminators coming out to get rid of carpenter ants.  I don't do well with noise that I can't control (control freak?) and confusion.  Dad is the same way, but we are holding up pretty well.  I warned the family to cut down on the beer drinking while here - Dad is 87 and can't metabolize it but will still drink it.  And I just don't need a drunk guy stumbling around knocking things over.  Sigh,.

As much as I love my family, I am sure looking forward to my life returning to whatever passes for normal this week. Staying OP is very difficult for me with all the confusion in my home.  Especially since there is someone cooking and eating from sunup to after I go to bed.  They are on vacation.  I am not.  With all that entails for everyone.

Blessing on us all.  And take care.

Ok, this is a little wierd

May 2013

Today, I am going over to my ex-fiance's mother's house to help the family plan his funeral.  It feels a little strange to be doing it, but I knew him better than anyone in the past 3 years. I don't really know if HE would like that I am included but he gave up the right to have an opinion - any opinion - when he decided that is was better to die than to live.  Am I angry?  You bet.  Am I sad?  Beyond measure.  He was a kind, sweet, intelligent and funny man.  He was also a self absorbed, passive aggressive man. I am mourning one and furious at the other. And confused about it all.

Aside from this, I have a house full of company who came into Spokane for Bloomsday, an annual 12k international race.  I won't be racing - I'll leave that to the Kenyans.  I will be walking.  And I will have walked about 9.5 miles by the time we are done.  I walked a 5k today with my brother and one on Thursday with my friend.  I did another one on Monday just because it was nice out.  And tomorrow afternoon I will go to my usual yoga class.

So, this is altogether an odd weekend.  Not at ALL what I had planned to be doing this weekend.  I had planned to enjoy my family, walk, laugh and probably eat pizza.  There is no way I can do all I am going to do tomorrow on 900 calories.  Heck, I will burn more than that before 1:30!  But I will be back OP on Monday.  And life will begin to return to normal on Wednesday by which time everyone will be safely home.

Blessings on all.  It is a beautiful day here in the Lilac City!

A Sad Day

May 2013

I intended to blog about all the company I have coming in for the weekend and my son moving into the house yesterday.  All encroaching on my space.  But it is such a small irritant compared to others' problems.  At least my family are all safe and warm and here.

I got a call this morning from my ex-fiance's mother.  We broke up last fall - not because I didn't love him.  But rather because he was in the midst of a depression that, in my view, he let happen.  I was angry.  And I couldn't watch my Dad disappear and watch him disappear at the same time. I am not claiming to be a pillar of faith or an example of how to stand by a person.  I had to choose who to stand by, and it was my Dad. And I would do it again.

Bob has been ill lately with congestive heart failure.  He was weak, sick and had completely isolated himself from the world.  He quit his job 2 years ago and quit school last fall.  And, today, he is dead.  He couldn't bear the depression, the illness and all the rest.  And he had his Dad's guns. 

Thankfully, his family called 911 who broke into the apartment.  They didn't go in themselves as he had been gone for about a week.

Rest in peace, Sweet Music Man.  The war is over. 

What? Another sick dog?

April 2013

I have spent the past 2 weeks running to appointments.  It started with my Dad's dog who was sporadically vomiting for a few weeks.  While he was being examined that Friday, the doctor found a pretty profound heart murmur that he didn't have in August when we were in.  Hmm.  The dog, Puffy, is an almost 7 year old Shih Tzu.  Pretty young for all this.  He also has a cataract in one eye, is developing one in the other eye and has lost more than a pound since Christmas.  So they took blood to check for diabetes, and I made an appointment for him to have a heart echo test the next week.  The doctor told me to put him on a bland diet - white rice, cottage cheese or chicken. 

By Sunday afternoon, he hadn't kept anything down that I could tell.  So I bought baby food chicken.  That seemed to stay down. I then made my own baby food for him - it is a bit thicker and a bit grainier due to the quality of blender I have compared to Gerber.  This did not stay in him, either.   So, Wednesday, we went back to the vet.  They did a barium swallow to look for blockages.  There were none.  Also no diabetes. But in the meantime, Dad had a couple of dentist appointments I needed to get him to.

Thursday, Puffy went in to the radiologist for his heart echo and an abdomen ultrasound.  He has a pretty severe heart murmur on both sides of his heart, and still no idea why he is vomiting.  Luckily, he is not in heart failure and the murmur is recent enough that his heart has not enlarged.  Next stop, bring him back into the vet for a blood pressure check.

So, Friday we are back at the vet.  By this time, just seeing his carrier makes the dog shake from fear.  And, alas, he has high blood pressure. 

At this point, he is taking Pepcid, an anti puke pill, blood pressure medicine and is still on a bland diet, although is eating solid chicken now.  He seems to be keeping it all down  (thank you medicine - I'm tired of cleaning up after him).  And, from the ultrasounds, he has a really stylish hair cut - his belly and chest are shaved.

He was supposed to go into the groomers today, but he is so over the carrier by now that I cancelled this one.  The last thing I need to do is have to administer doggie CPR on the way to the groomers! 

He is still able to go for walks and all.  But when the vet starts using words like "extending the useful life of his heart", I get a little worried.  This is my Dad's buddy, his anxiety reducer.  I would go to any lengths for that alone.  And I do sort of like the little guy.

The upside of all this?  Dad is being forced to stop feeding him from the table, letting him lick his plate, leaving ice cream in his dish for the dog, sneaking him bites under the table, etc.  I was never able to get Dad to stop this by telling him that this was the reason Puffy was an unbearable nuisance at meal time and the reason the rest of the family calls him the Rat ***.  But the idea of keeping Puffy around as long as possible is now finally making an impact. And Dad is cooperating.  He is even remembering to do it.  Thank you Lord for blessing in disguise!W

Something of Value

April 2013

Years ago, I went to a women's retreat.  We were supposed to bring something that people could look at that would tell them something about us.  They were to be put into something without our name on them and the person who chose your item was supposed to guess who it belonged to. I was into gardening that summer, so I brought an envelope with a tomato seed in it.

The sweet lady who picked my item looked at it.  Felt it.  Opened it.  And kept saying "there's nothing here!  this is nothing!".  Finally, I told her it was mine.  And that this was what people had said about me often in my life - often enough that I started saying it, too.  There is nothing there!  This is nothing! This is EMPTY!

Then I said, but if you look carefully inside, you will find something that, given the right amount of nurturing, will grow to feed others.  My tomato seed. I also remember thinking that I was glad I didn't put an oregano seed inside, which looks like powder.

So, now, I try to remember that another person's value may not be readily apparent.  But it is there.  And given enough time, nurturing and grace it may grow to feed others.  And that nurturing and grace may need to come from me. You never know where your life my show.

Sick Cycle

April 2013

I was just out walking the dog, building up endurance for my 12k walk next month.  I have my MP3 player going in my ears the whole way because I can't do anything without music. This song came on and it made me think about the Yo-Yo cycle so many of us find ourselves on.  The song is "Sick Cycle Carousel" by Lifehouse.  Of course, not every word is pertinent, but much of it is.

"If shame had a face I think it
would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this?
Well here we go now one more time ...

I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time

So when will this end? it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good.

Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick sycle, yeah"

I don't know about anyone else, but this could an ode to the day after a binge.  To the yo-yo cycle that I sometimes find myself in.  But the truth is in there "I know it won't stop till I step down from this for good".  This is my focus - finding a way to step down from the sick cycle carousel for good.

Human Being? Or Human Doing?

April 2013

When my first child was born back in 1973, she scared the bejeezus out of me.  Not because she was so small and helpless looking - I had been around babies all my life and she didn't look all that helpless.  What was going through my mind was "Oh, NO!!! She is going to expect me to BE something!!!"  And I had a terrifying secret - I.  Wasn't.  Anything.

Through the course of my life, I have spent my time taking care of others, feeding people, giving things, helping where I could.  But in the process I neglected the one person who was always there with me - ME.  My validation all came from the outside.  I remember a dream I had once where I was in the hospital and they were removing my organs one at a time because some one needed them.  They asked if I wanted to be put under while they did it and I declined because I wanted to stay awake until I was dead. I was alone there - it didn't occur to me to call my family to be with me.  It didn't occur to me, in the dream or until many years later, that this was anything but right and proper.  I still felt that if I was breathing, I was stealing air from someone who deserved it more.

After many years and a fair bit of therapy, I have come to value some things about myself.  But, you know, when I sit down and think about it, my validation still comes from the outside. If no one is currently noticing my weight loss, I lose focus.  Unless I have something pushing me, I lose momentum and drop like a stone, and then I binge. I think this is a lot of the mental work that has to happen during this journey to be truly successful.  Once I get to goal and stay that way for a while, I will have to be just me.  There will be no more "Oh, my God!  You look so GOOOOOD girlfriend!".  And that scares me.  I will have to BE something.

So I am now working on the toughest assignment of my life - learning to be a human BEING rather than a human DOING.  I understand that the doing is part of who I am.  But, somewhere along the line, I am going to have to learn to be enough for me.  To be rich and complete and, especially, full all because of who I AM not because of what I DO.  I guess I need to figure out how to fuel my own jet, rather than hoping someone or something else will do it for me.

Who ever said that this weight loss journey thing would be easy?  It is my journey to total weightlessness.  My body is only the most visible part of the ride.

Signed Up for a 12k Race

April 2013

I live in Spokane, WA.  The first Sunday in May is Bloomsday, an annual 12k race (approximately 7.54 miles) that is an international event.  Someone from Kenya usually wins, but it is a cultural icon here.  Usually there are around 60,000 people participating.  I have family that comes in from Dallas and from Missouri to participate.  We don't compete, we just git 'er done.  At about the5 mile mark, we come to "Doomsday Hill" a quarter mile steady incline that feels like the end of the world at the time.  And there are 2 miles left yet before the end.

Once we finish the race, we have to get from the finish line to the t-shirt pickup and then find our cars or rides.  Getting from the drop off zone to the starting line and from the finish line to the pick up zone adds another mile and a half to your total distance.  So far, they have not instituted helicopters at the finish line for our convenience.  Sigh.

My dad did this race for many years - more than 25.  But in 2009, he decided he was done.  He didn't do it that year or since.  I decided in 2010, I would do it FOR him since he was around 60 when he started - older than I was at the time.  I walked it in 2010, then again in 2011 when I was 20 lbs heavier than the year before.  And I felt every single one of those pounds after we were done, trust me!  Last year, I was yet another 20 lbs up from the year before and didn't even try to do it.  But this year!  Oh, this year I weigh 10 lbs LESS than in 2010.  So I am signed up for the race.  Yes, I will have blisters on my toes when I'm done and charley-horses in my feet. But I will finish.  And I won't be the very last one to finish the course, either.  

So, thank you Medifast/TSFL for the opportunity to, again, show my spirit!  And, again, Daddy - this one's for you!

The More Bad Decisions We Make

March 21, 2013

Isn't that the truth?  When I first started this program, I was determined to do it right.  As written.  No variances.  I probably don't even need condiments, and certainly not an optional snack.

Then time passes and this begins to occur: 
- I found an extra bite or two of chicken in my mouth.
- Ok, so the steak was 5 1/2 ounces, not 5.  It's just protein, it won't hurt me. 
- There are no carbs in sugar free Jello, so why not have 2?  Or so.
- My spray whipped cream has no carbs, so load it on.

Next thing I know, I have fallen face first into a bowl of Halloween candy.  And you know what happened?  Nothing.  I was down 1.4 the next day.  So, hey, that wasn't so bad, right?

Now Thanksgiving comes around.  I was great through dinner.  Then came the Whipped Cream Vodka with diet Dr Pepper.  Caffeine free - don't want to blow my diet.  Heck, there are no carbs in vodka!  And one tasted so good!  So did 3.  And 5.  See the deal?  Next morning I am up 3 lbs, but it was gone the day after.  Still not bad.

Then Christmas gets here.  I started out really good - until Christmas Eve.  By then, I have given up any pretense of following program.  But, hey., I will start again on the 26th.  But the 26th comes and I just couldn't get back into it.  You see, I no longer considered a few extra bites of chicken to be all that bad.

So, the more bad decisions I made, the less bad the decisions seemed.

Blessings, Mercies and Sad Realities

March 2013

I have the best Granddog in the world.  Dazey is a Catahoula/Pit mix with cracked glass eyes - which means she has a blue eye with a brown spot and a brown eye with a blue spot.  She is smart, sweet and even tempered.  When she was 4 years old, she was diagnosed with EPI, which means that her pancreas doesn't produce enzymes.  She was eating and eating and starving to death.  My daughter bought pig pancreas, blended it and mixed it with her food.  After a couple of years, the EPI went into remission for a few years.  About 4 years ago, it came back.  Then also came diabetes, when her pancreas just quit.

Amongst this litany of ill health, she has been a wonderful friend, companion and fur baby to my daughter.  We have worked very hard at keeping her going because she is such a wonderful girl and still happy.  But now, at the age of 13 1/2, she is too sick to be fixed.  She has very aggressive pneumonia, a collapsed lung, her diaphragm is out of place, her stomach is in the wrong spot and there are what appear to be cancerous lesions in her chest. So this will be her last week.  True, I am sad about this.  I will miss our baby.  She was my dog to start with and I have helped to care for her for the past year. But the thing that is truly tearing me apart is that this will break my baby girl's heart and there is nothing I can do about it.  I can't fix this.

She has been a blessing to everyone who knows her.

To be human
    is to love that which is mortal
    clasp them tightly to your bones
Then release them
   when it's time for them to go.

Why Do I Keep Doing This?

March 2013

Well, the binge devils hit me again last night.  Did you know that eating a whole box of S'Mores bars will make you sick?  Huh, they do.  And I am a little embarrassed to admit to this, but here it goes.

A few things came together in a perfect storm to create a fertile ground for this to happen.  Some I understand.  Some I don't.

1.  I was cold.  Really really cold.

2.  Dad went to be early which disrupted my routine.  I am a little bit OCD about routine.

3.  I was alone.  Blessedly alone.  It happens so rarely that the internal pressure of being constantly on guard is released and it always sends me into a feeding frenzy. This is the one I don't understand. 

If I haven't said before, I am my Dad's full time caretaker.  By full time I mean on duty 13 hours a day and "on call" 24 hours.  It is not strenuous - he isn't bed ridden like my mother was - but it is stressful.  I am watching him disappear while trying to make his world safe.  So when the pressure suddenly eases, I have this response of "Oh, yes!  Let's have ice cream!" 

This is not a new phenomenon.  It has been my response to being "blessedly alone" since my early life.  I came from a big family - the oldest daughter of 6 kids, married young (19), had kids at 21.  I have spent my life being hyper-responsible and over extended.  But my soul required silence and solitude to "reboot", and my old tapes consider "treating myself" to be part of the reboot sequence.  These are the tapes I need to change.

This morning, I am feeling somewhat battered and bruised.  A little run over.  But here I sit, with my black coffee and my MF cereal, once again popping up with that stupid smile on my face.  I have planned out my food for the day.  It is foggy and gloomy outside right now, but they are promising sunshine later.  So I will, again, go take my shower, take the dog for a walk and do my best to find grace and compassion to treat my Dad with respect and humor.

Thank you for giving me a place to vent.

Don't Beat Ourselves Up

March 2013

I was thinking about struggles last night. And many things came to mind.

~ having an off day (or week, or month) does not make me a failure. It just makes me human
~ I am loved, strong, capable and significant JUST THE WAY I AM
~ I have nothing to prove to anyone in regards to what number shows up on the scale each morning. It does not dictate my day.
~ my body needs nutritious food, sunshine and exercise in order to do the things that are demanded of it, not in order to wear a particular size any time soon.
~ things are what they are. Period. Today stands on its own, not as a reflection of what I did or didn't do yesterday, but as a jewel representing the infinite of today.


And, now, I will go take my shower, take the dog for a walk in the sunshine or rain - whichever the sky is doing at that moment, treat my father with love, humor and respect, eat the meals I have planned for today and exercise my body.  Some days, we need a reminder that we are not traveling this path in a vacuum!

Feel the Fear and Do It ANYWAY

March 2013

I have been on this journey for some time now - 6 years, to be exact.  And while I have lost 56 lbs on TSFL, it has all been weight I lost before.  I "reclaimed" it, if you will.  But now I am heading into uncharted waters.  Unmapped territory.  And I don't mind saying, I am terrified.  I'm not entirely sure what I am afraid of - perhaps it is simply the unknown, but it feels deeper than that.  However, my usual response to this place is to eat until my weight is back in a zone that I know.  And I am realizing how often I have "let the fear take the wheel and steer" (thank you Incubus).  This song has been nagging at me for some time now.

"Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there "

NOW I understand the value of a coach.  It isn't that she has all the answers and I have none.  She simply comes along side of me at times like this, when I'm not sure where to put my feet next,  and tells me  "you know how to do this".  She reminds me "that I should be the one behind the wheel".  She whispers in my ear, even when she isn't in contact, "I've got your back, girlfriend".

So, on this beautiful sunny day, I will step out in courage.  I will feel the fear and do it anyway.  And I will remind myself:

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes.

Vanity Pounds

Feb 2013

Today I went to the doctor. While I was there, I asked him what he thought of my goal weight of 160 - another 30 lbs. He said it was fine. He also said that, since I don't carry my weight in my belly and that my labs are all fine, he would consider me to be at a healthy weight now. So, add to that the fact that I retook the TSFL Health Assessment quiz and scored 102 (actually 109 the second time), I can officially say that I am now working on VANITY pounds! What an amazing thing! At the beginning of my weight loss journey 6 years ago, long before I had heard of TSFL, I had just gotten out of the hospital with a severe case of cellulitis in my entire left leg. There was concern of losing my foot. Even last summer, before starting TSFL, I scored as unhealthy on the assessment. I still have the same family (part of the assessment), but the rest has all changed.

I am just so blessed to be at this point in my life.  I am 61, healthy, active and my doctor said so.  Can't argue with that, now, can I?  Not to mention that his scale actually weighed me LESS with clothes on than mine did naked.  How often does that happen?  So, of course, I recorded THAT weight as my official weigh in number.

I've Been Bad

Feb 2013

Let's stop saying "I've been really bad!" when all we've done is eat a little chocolate cake.
It was just chocolate cake, no need to judge so harshly.

And my addition to that:  Unless you robbed a bank or killed Grandma to get the chocolate cake (or whatever) you really haven't been BAD.  And guilt is that fastest way, for me,at least, to push the binge-buttons.  So DON'T!  And if you ate it, the world is still round and the sun will come up tomorrow (I assume).  Just write it down, no matter how bad it looks, and move on.  You can't un-eat it, so learn from it. 

Power of the Present Moment

Monday, August 15, 2011

My yoga instructor told us this parable:

Once, 2 priests were walking down the road. It was a very dangerous road. They were accosted by robbers, who held knives to their throats and threatened them. The young priest cried out "Take what you want! Take anything!". The old priest said nothing.

When the robbers left, the priests continued down the road. When they stopped under a tree for their meal, the young priest was commenting on how brave the old priest was. The old priest said "I was not brave. It was just that, in that moment, nothing was happening." He did not look back at the knowledge of other people being killed on this road by these robbers. He did not look forward to "what are they going to do???". He simply stayed in the present moment. And in that present moment, nothing was happening.

I have thought about this a lot during the death of my Mom. I was aware that the fear of an experience is often worse than the experience itself. And every time I started to go to the panic place, I thought - "No, I need to stay right here. I have too much to do right now. I can panic later." So I stayed in the present moment. And when the thing I most feared happened - my mother's death - it was not scary. It just happened.

So I am applying this to my weight loss journey. I can handle being OP this moment. I don't need to worry about what may come up, what the scale will do, what my throw me off track. For this moment, nothing is happening. And my power is in the present moment.

R E S P E C T

November 2012

I am thinking, today, about how we often put ourselves last and don't treat ourselves with the respect we do others. And here is my conclusion - I will not feed myself with any less respect than I would even my least respected guest. I mean, would I invite anyone over to my house to eat dinner standing in front of the fridge with the door open? Would I say "I'm sure there are things to eat in there - how about the left overs off of my kids plate from 3 days ago? I think they are still good - smell them. Sound good? Dessert? How about ice cream? Just scoop it out with your finger. Would you like a slice of cake cut paper thin and eaten off the knife? When you are done, there is more there."

We are taught to love our neighbor as ourselves. Is this what was meant? When we heard "as you have done to the least of my children you did to Me" was this the gyst of the thing? I don't think so. I am the one person who will always be with me, who will stick with me through thick and thin. We have many things to do, many people who expect our respect. It is time we put ourselves on that list, too.

Also, I have now been on Medifast for 15 weeks and am down 36 lbs. Works for me!

Blessings on you all.

Examined Choices

Sept 2012

Week 7, down 2.6 for a total of 24.

I am working on redefining the feelings in my stomach. I get this grumbly feeling, sort of empty like, all afternoon. I know it is not true hunger because I have eaten and I can distract myself from it. But my mind thinks I am hungry. That is how my body sees it, too. In my former life, I would eat all afternoon. I would have eaten until the feeling went away and I was in a food coma. But I am also working on teaching my mind that being hungry is ok, and I am not going to die from it. There is plenty of food around that I could eat should I CHOOSE to. So, I tell myself, I can CHOOSE not to eat it, too. In time, my body will embrace the feeling of being unhungry, but not full.

So goes the life of examined choices. Yes, there are times when I wish I could just eat and drink like I was going to die tomorrow. Then I realize - I could if I chose to. I could eat and drink everyday like I was going to die tomorrow. The only thing that will bring me is an increased chance of actually doing that. And I have too much to do, too many responsibilities, too much LIFE to experience to take that chance.

Now, I'm not saying that there is no possibility of my being dead tomorrow. But I am not going to sit on the couch and wait for it. Death, Disease and Bad Health - those guys are going to have to track me down to find me. And they will have to look hard, because I don't sit still for long!

First We Fix It

Sept 2012

My Dad is having rotator cuff surgery next week. Because of his medical history and heart issues, it is not a simple procedure. He will be in the hospital at least overnight, either as an orthopedic patient or a cardiac one.

We saw the surgeon for is pre-op appointment last week. He said something really interesting that I found amazing, and also applicable to my weight loss journey and maintenance plan. He said:

First we fix it, then we protect what we fixed.

Isn't that profoundly simple? This is what the purpose of my still-in-progress maintenance plan is - to, at every point along the way, protect what I have fixed. I worked so hard to release 113 lbs, only to "find" half of them when I wasn't paying enough attention. So lesson number one - the weight is never lost. It is just hanging around waiting for me to stop paying attention. My fat likes me - it REALLY likes me (picturing Sally Field at the Oscars). It wants to be my closest friend for my whole life. And it likes me so much, it wants its friends to like me too.

So, as with any break up, I have to prepare myself for the onslaught of its sweet familiar enticing words - "one little bite won't hurt","you deserve this", "here, have a cookie it will make you feel better", "you KNOW you love me! I won't get in your way" and blah blah blah. I have to rely on what I KNOW to be true and not fall for the traps that my body and the television ads try to set in front of me. It reminds me of an old story - Life in 5 Easy Lessons:

Lesson 1 - I walk down the street. There is a hole in the road. I don't see it. I fall in.
Lesson 2 - I walk down the street. There is a hole in the road. I see it. I fall in anyway.
Lesson 3 - I walk down the street. There is a hole in the road. I see it. I go and look into it. I fall in.
Lesson 4 - I walk down the street. There is a hole in the road. I walk around it.
Lesson 5 - I walk down another street.

I am somewhere between Lessons 3 and 4, but am looking for, and preparing for, Lesson 5.

So I am determined, this time, to protect what I have fixed. But unlike Dad's shoulder, my fixes will never be completely healed. I will always have to actively protect them. I will always have to be on the lookout for danger. I will always have to make sure that I find another street when a hole appears in the road.

Week 6 on Medifast

August 25, 2012

Wow, here it is the weigh in for Week 6 already. Man, it seems like only last week I was in week 5.


Results for today are: down another 2 lbs. That makes a total of 20.6 for the 6 weeks. On into week 7 now. This program is easier than I thought it would be and very conducive to our multiple times per week restaurant eating.

I do like the Medifast food, but the thing I like most about it is the lack of decisions I have to make and the lessened focus on food. I grab any 5 meals from my stash, doesn't matter which ones - they are interchangeable. Want brownies 5 times? Cool. Prefer 5 different things? Great. When supper comes, I choose 5 -7 oz of a lean protein and 3 servings of approved vegetables. Drink at least 64 oz of water and eat ever 2 -3 hours. That's it. End of story.

Food is slowly becoming pleasant tasting fuel, rather than the focus of my life. Which is really sort of funny because I don't really LIKE food all that much. Sure, I like eating. I really like eating. But food is sort of meh. I would rather snack all day, eating junk blindly while doing something else. So, over time, this is changing. That way of eating will never lead me to health. It never could. And, to be honest, Medifast was never meant to be a life style. It is a tool. Get in there, get the weight off, learn to drink a lot of water and eat small amounts every 2 to 3 hours. Then transition and start adding back foods and learn to maintain the losses. Learn to manage life without using food as a crutch. Learn to look at food as fuel, not entertainment or solace.

So there we are. Down nearly 21 lbs in 6 weeks. I am jazzed, energized and enjoying the ride.

Be well, my friends!

Maintenance Plan

August 2012

Although I am far from goal , have never gotten to goal, I have been reading lately about having a maintenance plan. This resonated with me because I regained half of the 113 lbs I lost a few years ago. I think that had I had a maintenance plan already in hand that I could pull out and use even though I hadn't made it to goal yet, much of this could have been avoided.

So I have 2 things I am going to ruminate over and get in place in the next few days.

1. A plan of attack for maintaining my weight loss that goes beyond "I won't gain it back". I need to have a precise, coherent, step by step attack for maintaining my weight, whether I ever make goal or not.

2. Decide on what I have heard termed a "scream weight" - the number on the scale that will make me scream and get me back onto what ever weight loss plan I am following (in my case, Medifast). This one is going to depend on what I decide, in the end, is my goal weight. I had thought 150 for so long that it feels like cheating to set it any higher. It is the highest weight at which my BMI is in the normal range. But it may not be doable. I may be better to set it at 160 or 165. So, that may take some time to decide.

Regardless, I need to not only look at this journey as a day by day process, but I need to plan for what I need to do to maintain my loss. I think that the steps I come up with to maintain it will be the same ones I need to use to attain it.

Crisis in Motion

August 2012

This morning, my beloved diabetic Granddog, Dazey, had a blood sugar crash about a block away from home during our walk. I had to carry the 45 lb dog home as she couldn't stand, never mind walk. I tell you, I am not in nearly as good a shape as I thought! I have no idea how my daughter managed to carry her 3 blocks home from the store. All is well now, but I don't think I will be walking her without some sort of sugar pills or syrup in hand in the future.


Luckily, the "security" cats were on lookout during the trek home!

Aniversaries

August 2, 2012

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my mother's death. Everyone in the family has gathered around my Dad to give him support at this momentous time. He, though, can't figure out why anyone would think he would be having a hard time with it. She is dead every day, not just yesterday.

God, I love that man! But I do miss my Mama.

Week 1 Results

July 21, 2012

I have been doing Medifast for a week now. It was not easy, especially on Thursday when my body was full and trying to convince me I was starving at the same time. When it started screaming "give me bread! give me sugar!" I knew it was not hunger but cravings.

So my first week weigh in? Down 12 lbs! That is a LOT of water weight. Now let the fat burning commence!

My Storage Solution

July 17, 2012

I read this on a message board, but decided it was a great idea. I have nowhere to store my Medifast products, so I bought an over the door shoe holder with clear pouches. This hold 12 boxes of food. I will have to get an under the bed storage box, too, for future orders, but this makes choosing very easy. It is now the bathroom door (who besides me keeps their food in the bathroom?) next to the scale. When I get up in the morning, I weigh myself and then grab my day's food.

On My New Program

July 16, 2012

I started Medifast on Saturday. I know it takes a while to actually lose fat, but I have peed out 6.2 lbs in 2 days. My body is used to taking in a lot of water (that has never been a problem for me), but I am taking in even more now.

I have been really really hungry, which is expected for the first few days. But I also am enough of a compulsive that I am doing this program *as written* - I will relax in a couple of months and be a little bit less OCD about the whole thing. My daughter says that she was hungry for 4 days and day 4 was the worst. After that, she turned a corner and was no longer hungry and the cravings went away. I have not been bothered by cravings, so that isn't an issue.

My official weigh in isn't until Saturday. I will keep posting about it. I have found a good website - MyMedifast.com with pretty active message boards. There is one thread called "Things I wish I had known before starting Medifast" which has been invaluable.

Have a great day, all!

A New Beginning

July 9, 2012

Ok, I have been messing around here for months. I do well for a while, then not so well. All the while I watch the weight just falling off my daughter. So I have decided to join her and do Medifast.


I have watched how she eats when she is out, what she eats when she is here each week, and it is not that different from what I do except she doesn't eat the starch. She eats a plate full of vegetables and a good sized portion of lean protein (the Lean and Green meal). The rest of the time she eats the Medifast products. Once I get through the first week, I will be fine. If it works the way it is supposed to, I won't need to be doing it for very long and then I can do the transition and maintenance. I am looking forward to this new leg of my journey.

I know that there are many who have a really negative attitude towards Medifast - I used to be one of them. But I am willing to commit 3 months to this and then assess where I am. Sure, it's expensive. But I paid almost this same amount of money to Weight Watchers while I gained 40 lbs.

So, my food will arrive later this week and I will get going.

Taking Care of my Baby!

July 2012

Early tomorrow morning, I take my baby in for gall bladder surgery. Granted, my daughter is 38, but she is still my baby. I will pick her up at 5:30 in the morning for a 6am check in. It is done as outpatient now, so she won't be there long. I will stay for her surgery, make sure she is in recovery and still alive. Then I will go take her dog and cats for their walk, and the dog and I will go pick her up. They will stay with me for the afternoon.

She has been in so much pain this past week that recover from the surgery will be a snap for her. I know mine sure was easy - a few small incisions with 2 staples each. I was back at work before the staples came out. The worst part after a laparoscopy is the referred pain in the shoulder. But she would get through this fine if I were still in Florida, and she will do fine now. She is much like I am - when we are sick we want to be left alone to deal with it. Just go away and leave me alone. I will call you if I need you. Probably. Maybe.

Wednesday morning, Dad and I are going to my sister's for the holiday about 3 hours away. We put it off for a day because of the surgery and will call it off if necessary, but I doubt that will be an issue.

So, prayers for my baby girl. Prayers for our trip. And prayers for all of you.

I Am SUSAN

July 2012

I have mentioned this song, I Am Woman, a few times in other people's blogs. I think I will mention it in my own.

I have used this song as my personal motto/marching song for 5 1/2 years now. Substitute your own name into it and ponder it.

Verse 2 of I Am Woman:

You can bend but never break me
Cuz it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal.
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
Cuz you've strengthened the conviction in my soul.
Yes, I am wise but it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price - but look how much I've gained
If I have to, I can face anything!
I am strong. I am invincible.
I am SUSAN!


Now I will continue with my day, happily realizing how strong I truly am. I am Susan.

My Dad

June 2012

Since tomorrow is Father's Day, I think it is only appropriate that I should post about my Dad.

Dad is 86. He has been our family rock for many many years. He was married to my mother for almost 63 years, until she passed last August. Until she went into the nursing home 6 months before, they slept in the same bed, held hands and actually *liked* each other. Their marriage was a testament to stability.

He is a kind, compassionate man. Unlike my mother who felt that everyone was entitled to her opinion, he did not offer his. But if you didn't want the truth, don't ask him. He wouldn't sugar coat it.

His health, both mental and physical, has deteriorated in the past few years. He can no longer live alone, so I live with him and take care of him. It is my honor and my blessing to have this opportunity to give back to the man who gave his whole life for his family.

So, Happy Father's Day, Daddy! I love you more than I can express.

Mom's first week in the nursing home - the world weary and battle scarred.


Relay for Life - he is our survivor. He has survived cancer 4 times, 3 unrelated cancers.

Adventures in Dog Walking, Day 2

July 2012

We had both cats accompanying us today. No one got stuck in anyone's yard. However, we met another Grandma out walking her dog going the other direction on the opposite side of the street. We stopped and conversed a bit. Then we continued on. Next thing I know, the cats - our faithful security detail - are following the other Grandma! Sigh. I yelled at them from the far end of the block and they both came galloping down the street to get to us.

My daughter's "kids" are a little bit special, I think.


Then I took my Dad's dog Puffy, a Shih Tzu, for a walk in overcast skies, but the roads were dry. We got 1/2 mile away from home and the skies opened up and dumped. Every few steps, he stopped to shake and give me the stink eye. I have never seen him move so fast as he did getting into the house!


A not wet and totally adorable, Puffy.

Dog Walking Adventures, Day 1

 July, 2012

We started off the walk with only Mina the Siamese accompanying me and Dazey, the dog. We got to the corner and Mina helped Dazey sniff the fire hydrant. From there, we went around the corner. The house on the corner has a cyclone fence around their side yard. As we passed it, there was Zoey, the Maine Coon, inside, meowing at the fence. She is stuck in the yard. So we went back around the fence to show her the gate. Mina ran over to help her find her way out. We walked back around the fence and there is Mina meowing at the fence. Now SHE is stuck. So we rescued her. Then the yappy little dog at the other end of the block came running out to greet us which caused Zoey to go across the street. When she decided it was ok to come back, she ran out in front of a car who, thankfully, saw her and slowed down. My screaming "ZOEY!!!!" may have helped. Or hurt.


Then we get back to the house and Seamus, the roommate's cat, ran out as we went in. However, half of Dazey's food was gone. He seems to like the taste of the pancreas enzymes we have to mix into her food. I don't know if Dazey actually got any benefit from the food or not, other than not being hungry.

Head banging.

The mighty sphinx, Zoey the Main Coon.



Mina helping Dazey with her "p-mail".

What, Exactly, Do I Want?

June 10, 2012

How badly do I want this, and what exactly do I want? A poser.

I want to healthy and strong. Well, I already am that. I want to eat cleanly. I already pretty much do,

When it comes right down to it, I want to wear my white denim skirt again. I want to be proud of myself for what I have accomplished. I want to be that woman who lost 100+ lbs. I want to DESERVE my WW award and my red leather jacket that I bought when I lost 100 lbs.

These things are tangible and achievable. True, they are not deep soul changing goals. But they are my motivators. I keep trying to want something a whole lot more important, but it is what it is.

I want to wear my old small wardrobe. I want to be that person again. Sometimes, our goals are silly to others, but important to us. As much as I would like them to be more substantial, this is what it boils down to. Yes, I understand that the skirt is a symbol of something larger.

My white skirt.

BopEm Clown and Weebles

June 10, 2012

When I was a kid, we had these cool toys - a weighted, blowup clown about 3 feet tall. You would punch him in the face, he would fall over backwards and then pop back up still with that silly smile on his face.

This describes me to a tee. I run through life, full on with my arms back, running into the wind. On occasion I will hit a wall. It always surprises me and knocks me over - flat on my back. But I pop back up, still with the stupid smile on my face and do it all over again.



The same goes for Weebles. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. I am either too focused (or too stupid) to quit. This goes for my weight loss journey as well as everything else. I keep going and going. If one thing doesn't work, I change it. Try something else. I give it a specific amount of time and if it doesn't work, I change it. If I get bored, I change it. If I stop liking it, I change it. But I never quit. I wobble.... often.... but I never fall down. Or at least not for long. I pop back up with a dumb smile on my face and keep going.

Realizations

June 4, 2012

I am sitting here, looking out the window at the sunny, breezy, warm street and some things are occurring to me.

I am stronger than I think. The morning after the Relay for Life, I still took the dog for his 1+ mile walk. Then went and tore down the campsite and drug it all home.

I have gotten away from my clean eating regime. Just because it is low in calories, doesn't make it good for me. As a matter of fact, it rarely does unless it is vegetation. So I am back to clean eating. I mean, I wasn't BAD bad, but I have been drifting further and further away from my "Food Nazi" stance.

I don't look as good as I think I do when I am looking good, nor do I look as bad as I think I do when I am not looking so good. I am not as fat as I think nor as thin as I think at different times. I am pretty normal, apparently.

I think it is good to examine ourselves from time to time. True, we may not be as wonderful as we think we are, but we are also rarely as bad as we think. We are, for the most part, somewhere in between. We are human, doing our best in most any given situation. And when we grow and learn, we can do better. Sometimes, part of the plan is waiting.

Getting back up

May 14, 2012

Yesterday, I crashed. I had nothing left to give anyone. The wall had been found and hit. I ate way too much, which of course did not help, I drank a bit too much which, again, did not help. Finally, I went to bed.

Today, while not feeling completely filled, I am no longer totally empty. I was able to smile and mean it, carry a conversation, walk the dogs, get to the gym and get my hair cut. Dad and I got the car washed, bought tomatoes and planted them. I feel much more like a human than I did yesterday.

The scale was not kind to me this morning, but that was fine. The sun shone, the breezes blew, the earth turned and I went with it. Depression hurts. And, for my body, the thing that makes it better fastest is good nutrition and avoidance of sugar.

It is a good day.

Things I'm considering

April 2012

I have been thinking a lot about my weight loss journey. To me, gaining back 50 of the 113 lbs I lost a couple of years ago feels like failure. But, thinking seriously, what will change when (not if) I reclaim this loss?

Will I be strong and healthy? Well, I already AM strong and healthy. Obese for sure, but strong and healthy.

Will I be eating a healthy diet? I already do that. I am a very natural and clean eater.

Will I be happy? Only if being able to wear my white denim skirt will truly make me happy. (I am undecided about this one.)

All that will change when I reach whichever goal, is that I will be thinner. I will take up less space. So why do I beat myself up over what I perceive as failure? Why do I see it as failure in the first place?

My fiance commented today that my weight bothers me a lot more than it does anyone else. No one else sees me as a failure, only me. I am still loved. I am still valuable. And I am still worthwhile. My jeans are just a little bigger.

So the next time I decide I am a failure, I need to remember these things. I need to remember that I am strong, healthy, valuable and loved. And then let it go.