Am I enough?

I overate yesterday.  I sat down with the nut jar and ate all the almonds I could find.  Of course, I was not looking at them - I did it by the Braille method.  Today, I woke up with that same old overwhelming sadness on me.  I also know I listened to my process in bed last night but when the dog woke me up at 5:45, I couldn't find the MP3 player.  It was already in the living room and I don't remember bringing it out here.  Apparently I did that when the dog went out around 3 or so.

I am feeling like this is both not working and I am not working it.  Like I am waiting for my Elliptical to come before I can keep going.  But I do fine my food choices better.  I can't say I am obsessing any less, though.  When I was doing WW or MF, I always had a support group to share with, ask questions of, etc.  This time, I'm on my own.  I will ask at the center this weekend if they know of any closed FB groups or message boards around for PCH.  But then, maybe I really don't want it.  I don't want to read the negative remarks people make.  This is the last program I am going to do.  If I learn nothing, if I have tossed away $3,000, then it is on me and I am done.  I hope at least that I will learn enough to not be on Intervention or My 600 lb Life.  I don't want to live my life from a position of fear. I want to live it from a position of joy. 

I have felt for some time that I need to eat what my body says it needs, that my mind knows what that is, that the Sue plan is a perfectly acceptable plan.  I know this.  Every program I have been on, I eventually rewrite.  The WW Core program is a great program but the low fat/fat free aspect of it is not good.  Fat doesn't make you fat - sugar does.  Medifast is in a category of its own - it caused me to binge and binge badly.  The 100 plan is more like my natural way of eating but fruit is bad, any sort of wheat/bread is bad, any carb source other than nuts and vegetables is bad.  I am tired of vilifying whole food groups.  I agree with eating things I recognize and avoiding chemicals in my food.  I am starting to tap into my own mind/body rule for eating.  I don't avoid fat, but I don't eat cheese wrapped in bacon and deep fried.  I like brightly colored food, I love cilantro in anything.  I can get along with some cheese but I don't need to make pizza dough out of a whole package of cheese and then eat the whole thing.  My mind is saying that this is not what I need.  But I also don't feel like I need to avoid things.  If I want to eat cake, I want to make the choice to eat it, put the slice on a plate and acknowledge that i am eating it - not cut a teeny slice and shove it in my mouth before I notice it.  As my last hypnotist put it - I want to eat cake, but on my terms not on its.

He did say that there are 4 stages to this process.  And that many people find themselves agitated and resistant in the second stage, which is where I am now.  And if I stop and look at it realistically, I see that there are many changes taking place.  I also know that it isn't all going to happen in one month which is why this is a 9 month program and the processes make reference to completing the whole program.  I will remind myself that what I think and feel do not necessarily reflect reality.  And what my mind thinks, my body hears.

In the meantime, my freezer and fridge are packed again.  I have more things on order.  So this is another piece of my obsession that has popped out because my binging is not happening so much.  So I will listen to my processes and give myself permission to have peace.  To know that I am enough, that I am complete.  That I do not need to fill myself up from the outside.

One month of changes

Again, I am reminded that this journey toward weighlessness has so little to do with the number on the scale. This is simply an outward manifestation of an internal process.  Which means that I can't fight the fight externally - I have to do it internally.  Even though I sometimes think that this just isn't working, this is the process I need to take whether or not the weight comes off.  I have so many years of relying on food and drink for my entertainment and companionship, so many years of being terrified that I won't have enough food or wine that it will take more than a month to rewire my mind.  But there are some positive changes.

I am still more or less free of the oppressive cloud of depression and sadness that  I have carried on my shoulder for the past year.

I am finding that my body reacts better to some things and not so well with others, even if they are considered "healthy".  For instance, I see no problem in my body from using aspartame, but an apple does my in.  If I wasn't hungry when I ate it, I will be chewing on my arm in 15 minutes.  Eating eggs for breakfast is like eating nothing.  A hard boiled egg just feels like eating air.  Also, as much as I love my morning coffee, drinking it makes me hungry all day.   Even though it is half caf now, I am going to add another layer of decaf to the mix so that I can still drink my morning coffee without reacting to it all day.

I am thinking of certain foods that I used to consider a staple and just not wanting to eat them.  These include the copious amounts of cheese and butter I ate as a low carber.  My body seems to be telling me that this is just too much and I don't want to eat them.

Last night, on my way home from work to start my 5 day vacation, my knee jerk reaction was to crack open a bottle of wine but then I asked myself "Is this going to serve me? In what way will it serve me?".  It is not just the manic reaction to the drinking of the wine, but there is also the depressive reaction for the next few days.  Is this serving me?  My "lizard brain" of course want the wine.  It is wired to seek the pleasure.  But my responsible side needs to look at the next day or two when I will be lying on the couch recovering.  And thinking "why did I do that?". 

So I am confident that as I change my inside, my outside will reflect the changes.  Actually, someone has already noticed - she said I looked more vibrant somehow.  I first thought it much be my new complexion brush, or my makeup, or my different shade of lipstick. But I think it is simply the outward manifestation of some inner changes.