I am 3 weeks into this 9 month program. I have made some realizations, had a few AHA moments and seen some changes that can only be termed Positive Changes.
I don't feel that overwhelming cloud of sadness sitting on my everywhere I go
Yes, I'm moving more, enjoying the feel of my body again and eating better. But that isn't this week's big deal. This week, there were 2 of them.
1. For many months now, every Monday and Friday I would stop by Bigelow Gulp for my 32 oz quad shot sugar free latte made with unsweetened almond milk. No sugar, true. No dairy either. But lately I had been noticing that it seemed like too much caffeine in my blood so it some days too 2 days to drink it. Last Monday, I decided I didn't really want it and that I would just wait until Friday. Also, I decided to trim it down to a venti triple shot. Well, Friday came and I got to the corner where I would turn right to go to the coffee shop or turn left and go to work. I realized I really didn't want the latte at all. I turned left and went to work, never really feeling like I had missed out on anything.
2. I had changed my wine over-drinking day to Saturday instead of Friday since I read that the only people who can't be hypnotized are those who are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. And since my sessions are almost always on Saturday, I change my "day" to Saturday. And then decided that I would change my bottle from 1.5 liters to 750 ml. Last night was "my day". I had dinner with my brother and SIL and didn't get home until 8:30. And I completely forgot to drink my bottle of wine. That didn't occur to me until this morning but, again, I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Actually, last weekend, I got a bit of a hint that this was coming. I was very aware of how bad my stomach felt on Sunday and I didn't like it or feel like it was acceptable any more
I am finding myself seeing that side of myself - the addictive one, the binge eater, the binge drinker, the one who uses men like Kleenex - as a child energy that spent 60 years trying to be filled. I can look at her with profound love and my adult energy can mother her and heal her now. At this point in my life, she doesn't need to be filled. She doesn't need to be afraid. She doesn't need to be numb in order to feel safe.
I used to have a vision of myself as a balloon floating around the air always looking for a tree to tie myself to. And, at some point, I realized that I was becoming a tree myself. But while I have been that tree for many years now, the balloon was still floating around out there. Still looking for a place to land. Still looking for a place to be safe. "There's no place safe and no safe place to lay my head". Still afraid. I am now merging this part of myself into the adult "tree like" part of myself. She did the best she could to feel safe with what she knew at the time. But this no longer serves me or my current goals of health, vitality and peace. Keeping me safe is no longer her job, her responsibility. It is mine.
These things that are changing in my life are so much more than mere weight. Weight is a symptom of the same thing that the drinking, sex, shopping and obsessing about food are. A means of trying to feel safe. Finally. Trying to feel grounded rather than adrift.
After Dad's death, I was suddenly adrift again without a higher purpose and without a rudder. This is what this part of my journe is all about. The weight will follow in it's own time.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
It's been a long time
It's been nearly a year since my last post. So many things have changed since then. It has been a year of extreme transition, heartache and survival.
A year ago, my Dad died. After his death, just when I figured I was going to be able to live in his house, I was informed that the house would go on the market in the Fall. I had to find a place to land. My sister started sending me real estate listings. I started looking at mobiles. She said she would cosign a mortgage for me. Well, that part didn't happen. But we found a place that works, and works well. We each put up $15k and she loaned me the other $35k at no interest. The house actually is a mobile but it's called a "detitled mobile", meaning that the wheels have been removed and it has been tied down to a foundation and retitled as real property so when I bought the house, I bought the lot too. It is small - 1100 sq ft - but has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. My sister has a room here that she uses when she is in town with or without her husband. And dog.
I moved in August along with my 17 year old cat and Dad's dog. I was there for 1 week before I started work in a call center for the Washington health exchange. I like the job but more than anything, I like having the structure of a job. However, since Fall, I have been fighting serious depression. I started back on Medifast in September after gaining 50 lbs over the past year. I lost 20 but just couldn't stand it this time. I stopped and went low carb. I gained 10 lbs. So now I was up 40 lbs. Funny, I never maintain my losses, but I also don't go back where I started. But I could see it coming. Physically, I am not the 300 lb person I was in 2007, but mentally I am very close.
On March 28, I decided to try Positive Changes Hypnosis. Yes, it is expensive - $2727 up front. But I spent more than that the year I was on Medifast. I know how to eat properly. What I need is to want to.
So I will blog about this part of my journey for now. This journey has been a lot longer and more convoluted than I ever expected when I started it 8 years ago. My life has taken a lot of turns I didn't see coming, too. But here I am - still fighting for life, still trying to find a way to get through it, still too stubborn to lie down and quit. I thought I had it all together with Weight Watchers. And I did. Until I didn't. Medifast worked for me but caused me to binge. Well, the program didn't. The "all or nothingness" of it did. My issue, not Medifast. But I am sooooo tired of thinking about food. So tired of counting, measuring, worrying, obsessing. I need a break from it all - but a break that will not leave me 300 lbs. This is what I am doing.
And I have to say, the hypnosis is actually amazing. I am calmer, I slept 6 hours straight 2 days last week (can't remember the last time THAT happened), I feel lighter, I don't think about food as much, I have lost some weight and best of all - the depression is lifting. I occasionally recognize something that passes for joy. This is my life and I am claiming it. It does not honor my parents or the job that we did if I fall apart. A year of trying to find my feet is enough.
So this is the next part of my journey. The last part. The final part. My house is beginning to feel like home. I like my job. It doesn't pay what I used to make, but I can live on it fine. The dog and cat are in relatively good health. My health is just fine. And I am rediscovering my place in the world. I am proud of what I have done, what I have been through, what I have survived. And it will go on.
A year ago, my Dad died. After his death, just when I figured I was going to be able to live in his house, I was informed that the house would go on the market in the Fall. I had to find a place to land. My sister started sending me real estate listings. I started looking at mobiles. She said she would cosign a mortgage for me. Well, that part didn't happen. But we found a place that works, and works well. We each put up $15k and she loaned me the other $35k at no interest. The house actually is a mobile but it's called a "detitled mobile", meaning that the wheels have been removed and it has been tied down to a foundation and retitled as real property so when I bought the house, I bought the lot too. It is small - 1100 sq ft - but has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. My sister has a room here that she uses when she is in town with or without her husband. And dog.
I moved in August along with my 17 year old cat and Dad's dog. I was there for 1 week before I started work in a call center for the Washington health exchange. I like the job but more than anything, I like having the structure of a job. However, since Fall, I have been fighting serious depression. I started back on Medifast in September after gaining 50 lbs over the past year. I lost 20 but just couldn't stand it this time. I stopped and went low carb. I gained 10 lbs. So now I was up 40 lbs. Funny, I never maintain my losses, but I also don't go back where I started. But I could see it coming. Physically, I am not the 300 lb person I was in 2007, but mentally I am very close.
On March 28, I decided to try Positive Changes Hypnosis. Yes, it is expensive - $2727 up front. But I spent more than that the year I was on Medifast. I know how to eat properly. What I need is to want to.
So I will blog about this part of my journey for now. This journey has been a lot longer and more convoluted than I ever expected when I started it 8 years ago. My life has taken a lot of turns I didn't see coming, too. But here I am - still fighting for life, still trying to find a way to get through it, still too stubborn to lie down and quit. I thought I had it all together with Weight Watchers. And I did. Until I didn't. Medifast worked for me but caused me to binge. Well, the program didn't. The "all or nothingness" of it did. My issue, not Medifast. But I am sooooo tired of thinking about food. So tired of counting, measuring, worrying, obsessing. I need a break from it all - but a break that will not leave me 300 lbs. This is what I am doing.
And I have to say, the hypnosis is actually amazing. I am calmer, I slept 6 hours straight 2 days last week (can't remember the last time THAT happened), I feel lighter, I don't think about food as much, I have lost some weight and best of all - the depression is lifting. I occasionally recognize something that passes for joy. This is my life and I am claiming it. It does not honor my parents or the job that we did if I fall apart. A year of trying to find my feet is enough.
So this is the next part of my journey. The last part. The final part. My house is beginning to feel like home. I like my job. It doesn't pay what I used to make, but I can live on it fine. The dog and cat are in relatively good health. My health is just fine. And I am rediscovering my place in the world. I am proud of what I have done, what I have been through, what I have survived. And it will go on.
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