I am 3 weeks into this 9 month program. I have made some realizations, had a few AHA moments and seen some changes that can only be termed Positive Changes.
I don't feel that overwhelming cloud of sadness sitting on my everywhere I go
Yes, I'm moving more, enjoying the feel of my body again and eating better. But that isn't this week's big deal. This week, there were 2 of them.
1. For many months now, every Monday and Friday I would stop by Bigelow Gulp for my 32 oz quad shot sugar free latte made with unsweetened almond milk. No sugar, true. No dairy either. But lately I had been noticing that it seemed like too much caffeine in my blood so it some days too 2 days to drink it. Last Monday, I decided I didn't really want it and that I would just wait until Friday. Also, I decided to trim it down to a venti triple shot. Well, Friday came and I got to the corner where I would turn right to go to the coffee shop or turn left and go to work. I realized I really didn't want the latte at all. I turned left and went to work, never really feeling like I had missed out on anything.
2. I had changed my wine over-drinking day to Saturday instead of Friday since I read that the only people who can't be hypnotized are those who are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. And since my sessions are almost always on Saturday, I change my "day" to Saturday. And then decided that I would change my bottle from 1.5 liters to 750 ml. Last night was "my day". I had dinner with my brother and SIL and didn't get home until 8:30. And I completely forgot to drink my bottle of wine. That didn't occur to me until this morning but, again, I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Actually, last weekend, I got a bit of a hint that this was coming. I was very aware of how bad my stomach felt on Sunday and I didn't like it or feel like it was acceptable any more
I am finding myself seeing that side of myself - the addictive one, the binge eater, the binge drinker, the one who uses men like Kleenex - as a child energy that spent 60 years trying to be filled. I can look at her with profound love and my adult energy can mother her and heal her now. At this point in my life, she doesn't need to be filled. She doesn't need to be afraid. She doesn't need to be numb in order to feel safe.
I used to have a vision of myself as a balloon floating around the air always looking for a tree to tie myself to. And, at some point, I realized that I was becoming a tree myself. But while I have been that tree for many years now, the balloon was still floating around out there. Still looking for a place to land. Still looking for a place to be safe. "There's no place safe and no safe place to lay my head". Still afraid. I am now merging this part of myself into the adult "tree like" part of myself. She did the best she could to feel safe with what she knew at the time. But this no longer serves me or my current goals of health, vitality and peace. Keeping me safe is no longer her job, her responsibility. It is mine.
These things that are changing in my life are so much more than mere weight. Weight is a symptom of the same thing that the drinking, sex, shopping and obsessing about food are. A means of trying to feel safe. Finally. Trying to feel grounded rather than adrift.
After Dad's death, I was suddenly adrift again without a higher purpose and without a rudder. This is what this part of my journe is all about. The weight will follow in it's own time.
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