The sun will come out

Yesterday, I was having a pity party.  It was rainy and cold, gray outside. It was one of those days when I wanted to just stay in my cave, so to speak.  But I had to go out.  I had a lunch date with a friend (who also happens to be my pastor).

During lunch, I told him that, since Dad died, I just don't belong anywhere anymore; I just am not needed anywhere anymore.  He looked at me and said "I understand what you are saying, Sue.  But you do realize that this isn't actually true, right?"  This sort of stopped me short.  He then asked me what I needed to make me feel better.  I said "Sun".

This reminded me of a couple of things that I had misplaced in my mind lately.  First, that what I feel does not necessarily reflect the reality of a situation. How many times have I thought "I'm fat!" when I am at a weight that I was proud to be at several points in my life.  I sure didn't feel fat then!  My feeling unconnected and unnecessary also did not reflect the reality of my life.  It was a valid feeling, but not true.

Also, I was reminded that I need sunshine. I get gray inside when it is gray and cold outside.  But the sun will come out - if not tomorrow, then eventually.  And I will feel better.  Eventually. 

So I came home with a few different ideas in my head.  I can't say that I stopped the pity part.  I didn't.  But I knew that these feelings, like any feelings, were temporary.  Transitory.  And valid.  I could probably have found something in the house to eat that would numb these feelings, but knowing that they were valid made that unnecessary.  And knowing that I'm doing OK on my grief journey comforted me. 

As I sneak up on some answers to the question "Now what?", I need to keep these things in mind.  That my emotions, while valid, are not always believable.  And that the sun will come out eventually.  To reference a book my friend was reading, those who have never known "down" cannot appreciate "up". 

I was wrong

On May 9, I wrote that it was ME time.  Apparently, I was wrong.  Since Dad died on April 17, I have pretty much spent the whole time sitting on the couch and eating.  Granted, I was sick for a week during that time.  But the other 5 weeks?  Nope, just eating.

Today, I read a blog about a woman who lost a crap load of weight.  Her methods sound very much like Medifast, but the method was not the AHA part of the message.  What was the point of the blog?  Sugar addiction in its many forms.  Once again, I was understanding how sugar addiction affects my life.  Whether it is in the form of sugar or wine, it has my by the throat.  Argh.

So, once again, I am on the sugar free, low carb band wagon.  Actually, I never really left it - I have known for some time that my body works best eating by low carb, no sugar, no dairy and no gluten. But getting there is a struggle sometimes. 

I do fine until noon.  I get up, read the paper while drinking my black coffee, do my crossword puzzles, make breakfast at 9, take a shower around 10 and walk the dog.  At 12 I eat lunch.  But this is where I fall down.  Sometimes I eat lunch (my bagged salads that I have in the fridge).  Sometimes, I don't.  Sometime early afternoon my son gets up and either stays or leaves.  Either way, it confuses me.  If he stays home, he wants to control the tv and I cook some dinner.  If he leaves, then I am left alone, lonely, and lost.  No matter what HE does, I have a problem in the afternoons.  I always plan to make a sensible dinner (God how I HATE that word!), but by the time it is time for dinner, I have snacked my way into oblivion.  So I don't eat.  But by this time, my belly hurts and I continue on my quest to try to "fill the hole" or to make my body hurt as much as my heart does.

Looking back on this, I see sugar's ugly head lurking around the corner.  Sure, the sesame seed crisps and veggie straws have no gluten.  But they DO have sugar.  And I have several bottles of wine that might need drinking as well.  And once I start on either one of these, I don't stop until I run out or pass out. 

Well, it is June 1.  Seems like a good time to start taking care of myself.  I won't die from the anxiety of not eating sugar or drinking wine.  I won't die from anxiety at all.  Next week, I will begin to start making a plan.  It's time.  I need to start looking for a job or finding out what I need to do in order to do this.  I will make an appointment tomorrow at the college to go look at what I need to do to update my skills to a marketable level. 

But I can't sit and eat for the rest of my life.  My journey, so far, has been to embrace a program and lose a bunch of weight.  Then gain exactly half of it back.  Then embrace a new concept and lose a bunch. Then gain half of THAT back.  True, if you look at the math involved, I am always ahead of the game.  But it's not good for my body or my spirit.

This time, I'm really not so much looking at the weight loss aspect as much as I am looking at the health aspect of it all.  I need to learn to use food as fuel primarily and comfort myself in other ways.  I keep thinking I have learned these things and then POW the sugar thing hits me in the face and I'm on a tear again.  This is where I am.  But I am 30 lbs up from where I was, and walking the dog today I was winded and tired.  And my new fat pants are too tight.  So it's time.  Again.  Time to get rid of these particular inflammatory substances and make my body a machine again.  And to feel like actually DOING something. 

It's just freaking time. 

I guess it is ME time

After 4 years of taking care of my parents, I am now unemployed.  My father passed away on April 17.  We were determined to keep him at home until the end so that every time he opened his eyes he saw someone who loved him.  And we did exactly that.  He passed in his own room, holding my son's hands, with the rest of us there.  And immediately, his dog started to cry.

So this week, we buried this incredible man.  He was loved by everyone who knew him.  He was kind, funny, smart and humble.  And his legacy is vastly remembered.  He was buried with military honors and, as requested by him, we had a party afterwards. It all went well - we walked in to his service to the theme song from Lawrence Welk and walked out to In the Mood by Glenn Miller.  We shared remembrances, food, laughs and beer, and we toasted a life well lived.

Unfortunately, we also laid to rest my cousin this week - he was 55 and died suddenly and completely unexpectedly last week while trying to call 911.  He,too, was a wonderful man and will be greatly missed.

So it is now all over.  And now, after 4 years of having a specific, well defined purpose, I have to figure out what my next step is.  My first step, the very first thing I need to do, is take care of myself.  I am currently so far past the end of my rope that I'm not sure where it went.  I have eaten badly all day, every day, for 3 weeks now.  I am up 35 lbs since last September, 15 in the past 3 weeks.  I need to get my body back to feeling good. I need rest, healthy food, and a lack of drama.  I need to keep the anxiety to a minimum and let myself recover.  The last week of Dad's life, at the same time that it was emotionally excruciating, it was also physically challenging.  Getting him from his chair to the bathroom meant we had to physically lift him from the chair into the wheelchair and go from there.  It suddenly took 2 people at a time to care for him.

We are starting the process of cleaning out the house, sorting through the minutiae of their lives, finding a new place to live and deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I am, however, confident that when this part of my life is completed, the next step will be revealed.   In the meantime, I will peek into doors to see what ones open. I will treat my body in the manner that it deserves.  And I will rest.

Difficult time of life

Things at my house are getting more and more difficult and, because of that, more and more precious.  Yesterday, I signed a Do Not Resuscitate order for my beloved Dad so that we can get Hospice to come in.  He is failing very quickly and it is frustrating and frightening to watch.  Knowing that his time with us is short now makes each day that we have him a blessing, regardless of how much work is involved with it.

And, believe me, it is work.  I don't get to simply watch him die.  I dress him, shower him, wipe his butt, treat his "diaper rash" sores, help him in and out of chairs, make his food, thicken his water, and many more odd jobs that need to be done in the course of the day.  I am pretty sure that my life currently revolves around his gastrointestinal system.

However, I went had blood tests done and they all came out clean.  Seven years ago, at my highest weight, my triglycerides were in the 250 range.  Today they are 66.  My thyroid is in the normal range, although on the low end of normal.  Nothing was out of the normal range.  For this I am grateful.

Dad decided a week or two ago that he was done eating.  He can chew, but chooses not to.  He has trouble clearing his mouth and is just done with trying.  So my first response was to buy Ensure.  Have you ever tasted that stuff?  It is nasty! I can do better.  I looked through my "stash" of meal replacements and saw that I have a multitude of Medifast shakes (some donated by my daughter - we are both SO over Medifast shakes) as well as 4 big bags of vanilla protein powder meal replacements called "Body by Vi" donated by my sister.  All of them have more protein than Ensure and taste much better.  So Dad gets 3 shakes a day (it's all I can get into him) using one or a combination of meal replacement powder mixed with a combination of whole milk, half & half, peanut butter, banana, ice cream, Starbucks or fruit frozen smoothie stuff, chocolate syrup, applesauce and anything else I can find.  The Body by Vi has a little less protein than Medifast but the vitamins are covered in 3 servings rather than 5.  So if I use a Medifast shake, I add some of the other powder as well.  This way, I can give him a variety of flavors and get his nutrition covered.  And for this I am grateful.

I am still around.  I still read the forums and the blogs.  I am not, currently, following the program but am seriously considering placing an order for some of the things I like and don't have any more. I am up about 15 pounds because I didn't transition off the program so no matter what I did, the weight came back on.  Note to everyone - TRANSITION!  The weight gain has stopped now, though, and I am maintaining at the current place.  Between running the house, taking care of a sick dog, caring for Dad and all the rest, I just can't be hungry all the time too.  So I watch carbs, and do my best to eat clean.  I am still working on my eating issues - believe it or not, I have not binged in a couple of months.  And for this, I am grateful, too.

So this is an update on what is happening in Sue World.  Assisting my Dad to his final reward with compassion, grace and humor is not as easy as it sounds.  It is hard work - particularly the grace and humor part.  But he will be at home until he is ready to go Home.  Every time he opens his eyes, he will see his stuff (whether he recognizes it or not) and someone who loves him.  And for this, I am extremely grateful.

A New Paradigm

At my house, we are getting used to a new paradigm.  On Monday morning, my Dad had a stroke.  I heard him up and messing around in his room, then I heard what sounded like him dropping his shoe.  It was 4:30 am.  I went upstairs to get him back into bed (he had started wandering a couple of weeks ago) and found him half dressed and lying in the middle of his floor.  He was conscious and unhurt, but unable to get himself up.  It took a bit, but I got him up sitting on the edge of his bed.  I had had to do this with my Mom, too, but Mom had more strength, at least on one side.  Dad was like a noodle on the floor.

We noticed later in the day that he was having a lot of trouble speaking and he was even more weak and frail than he had been even the day before.  It was obvious he had had a stroke.  There was never any plan to take him to the ER - he is 88, this isn't his first stroke and I knew what they would do in the hospital with an old person having a stroke.  They would watch him.  They would poke him.  They would scare him.  So he will not be going to the hospital.  His doctor and my doctor sister agree with this.

By Tuesday afternoon, he had rebounded fairly well mentally.  Not physically, though.  He has a messed up spine and cannot sleep in his bed.  I think this is why he kept wandering - the pain in his back would wake him up.  Monday night, we watched him all night, listening for him turning on his bedside light so that we could get there before he tried to stand up.  This happened pretty much every hour.  During the day, he would sleep for hours in his recliner.  So after a few ups and down on Tuesday night, he was put into his recliner to sleep and he slept the whole night.  Best sleep he had had in weeks.

My son lives with us and is Dad's secondary caretaker.  He has simply been here to cover my days off but with the understanding that when it was needed, he would take nights and I would take days.  Well, that time has come.  My son has him from 9 pm until 7 am.  I take over at 7 until bedtime at 9 pm.  We keep a log of what has happened during our shift, what we have done and what meds we have given.  We are looking for a hospital bed for him so that he can sleep and sit in a different place.  Otherwise if feels like he is sitting in his chair 24/7 - and he pretty much is.

I also have seen what they can and can't do for a patient in a nursing home.  We had to put Mom in one because Dad was still at home and was freaked out by the condition she was in.  He had trouble going there to see her because the nursing home freaked him out.  The hospital freaks him out.  But Mom is gone now and anything they can do for him in a nursing home can be done here.  Whatever physical challenges we have to overcome, we will do.  But we will not be putting him into a nursing home.  He will stay here in his own home, with his own people, his own things and his own dog until the end.  And we will do whatever needs to be done to accomplish this goal.

So what does this mean for my eating routine and weight loss journey?  Well, I will do what I can without obsessing over it.  I have been sugar free for some time now and don't even want it any more.  I have not binged in weeks. Dad is not going to live much longer - my life until then is about him not about me.  I will make sure that I get good sleep (thus the paradigm of having my son take nights and me take days - we can't both be asleep at the same time), I will make sure I eat well (I buy the groceries - there is nothing here worth binging on), get my exercise in (the dog has a heart condition too and needs the walks), and work on simply accepting that this is how things are now.  The Dad that I knew, that was the powerhouse, that was everybody's hero, that could fix anything just can't anymore.  And that's OK.  He took good care of me when I needed it.  Now we have the honor of doing the same for him.