I guess it is ME time

After 4 years of taking care of my parents, I am now unemployed.  My father passed away on April 17.  We were determined to keep him at home until the end so that every time he opened his eyes he saw someone who loved him.  And we did exactly that.  He passed in his own room, holding my son's hands, with the rest of us there.  And immediately, his dog started to cry.

So this week, we buried this incredible man.  He was loved by everyone who knew him.  He was kind, funny, smart and humble.  And his legacy is vastly remembered.  He was buried with military honors and, as requested by him, we had a party afterwards. It all went well - we walked in to his service to the theme song from Lawrence Welk and walked out to In the Mood by Glenn Miller.  We shared remembrances, food, laughs and beer, and we toasted a life well lived.

Unfortunately, we also laid to rest my cousin this week - he was 55 and died suddenly and completely unexpectedly last week while trying to call 911.  He,too, was a wonderful man and will be greatly missed.

So it is now all over.  And now, after 4 years of having a specific, well defined purpose, I have to figure out what my next step is.  My first step, the very first thing I need to do, is take care of myself.  I am currently so far past the end of my rope that I'm not sure where it went.  I have eaten badly all day, every day, for 3 weeks now.  I am up 35 lbs since last September, 15 in the past 3 weeks.  I need to get my body back to feeling good. I need rest, healthy food, and a lack of drama.  I need to keep the anxiety to a minimum and let myself recover.  The last week of Dad's life, at the same time that it was emotionally excruciating, it was also physically challenging.  Getting him from his chair to the bathroom meant we had to physically lift him from the chair into the wheelchair and go from there.  It suddenly took 2 people at a time to care for him.

We are starting the process of cleaning out the house, sorting through the minutiae of their lives, finding a new place to live and deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I am, however, confident that when this part of my life is completed, the next step will be revealed.   In the meantime, I will peek into doors to see what ones open. I will treat my body in the manner that it deserves.  And I will rest.