Ever since I came back from vacation - and, actually, just before I went - I have had problems staying on program. On any program. I did make it a whole week on the Belly Fat Cure program, which was remarkable for me lately. But I have seen some things going on that I want to get down on "paper" -
- when I get prepared to go on a trip, I get very very stressed. I was going to be seeing a whole lot of people I hadn't seen since I left Florida and I was down more than 100 lbs when I left. Being my typical "fear of success" person, I started eating before I left.
- after getting there, everyone commented on how thin I was, which was the same thing that happened when I came home for Mom & Dad's 60th anniversary 5 years ago. I didn't think I was losing weight for them, but I was certainly looking forward to the accolades. Actually, I would not have gone to Florida if I were not at least as thin as I had been when I left.
- so, after the trip was over, after everyone was 'wowed' at how good I looked, I let down my guard. I did this 5 years ago, and I did it this year. I have eaten back about 12 pounds. The first few, before I left, I didn't feel. I could deny that they were real because my clothes fit exactly the same. But, all of a sudden, the next 5 made a HUGE difference. One week, my shirts fit. The next week, they were tight on my arms and I had a roll around my waist. I can see the difference in my thighs in the mirror, which is odd because we usually don't actually see changes in our bodies.
I do not want to go on a 2 year long eating episode like I did 3 years ago. I want to stop this now. I do not want to go back to feeling ashamed of myself, feeling fat and useless. I know that in the big picture, no "goodies" are worth the burning in my stomach from the sugar or the burning in my heart from the weight gain. But each little bite is really easy to deny. It is so easy to deny a 1" nut cup as being of any consequence. But that one bite leads to 10 more. Then it leads to "lets just get this stuff out of my house" which doesn't mean tossing it. It means eating it. All of it. Now.
During the week that I was on the Belly Fat Cure program, I felt calm. I knew what I could eat and my body felt good. So, today, I am back. I will eat what makes me feel good. I will be mindful of that first bite. Because it is not the finishing off the pie and mincemeat tarts that does the damage. It is that first bite. The one the doesn't seem to matter. Without that first bite, the others will not happen.
Today, I will watch out for that first bite. I will keep in my mind how powerful that first bite is, as tiny as it may be.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Belly Fat Cure
As promised, I weighed in this morning - down 5 lbs. I am happy with this. I am feeling comfortable in my body without the awful stomach issues from Medifast and the constant hunger and cravings and the urge to binge from both Medifast and Weight Watchers.
I know it won't continue at this rate - it never does. But I will continue and see how it goes. I have no intention of worrying about counting anything tomorrow on Thanksgiving. I will be careful until dessert comes. I will eat, drink and be thankful for everything I have been given. As my daughter pointed out last night, my problems are First World "problems" - ie I don't like that brand of shampoo, the store is out of my favorite cereal, etc.
So tomorrow, and every day really, when I wake up in my bed to a warm house, turn on the coffee, feed the dog and decide what I feel like eating for breakfast, I need to acknowledge how very very blessed I am.
I know it won't continue at this rate - it never does. But I will continue and see how it goes. I have no intention of worrying about counting anything tomorrow on Thanksgiving. I will be careful until dessert comes. I will eat, drink and be thankful for everything I have been given. As my daughter pointed out last night, my problems are First World "problems" - ie I don't like that brand of shampoo, the store is out of my favorite cereal, etc.
So tomorrow, and every day really, when I wake up in my bed to a warm house, turn on the coffee, feed the dog and decide what I feel like eating for breakfast, I need to acknowledge how very very blessed I am.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Not ready
I have proven to myself that I am simply not ready for the freedom of Weight Watchers, even though I have had a good deal of success on it in the past. By taking away the barriers and allowing myself to eat anything (but not everything) I want as long as I count for it I have just simply eaten Fiber One brownies and bagels. As a result, for the 3 weeks I was on it, I gained 6 lbs. Not the direction I was planning on. At the same time, I simply cannot go back to Medifast as just looking at the packets makes me want to eat bagels. A lot of bagels. And graham crackers. Etc.
So I have been researching different approaches to eating. I have seen that the most current and scientific research suggests low carb eating is the way to go. I found one program called Belly Fat Cure that intrigues me, so I am going to follow it for a week and see how I feel about it. It is low carb, similar to Atkins, but not a ketosis program - unless, of course, you decide to make it one. On this program you count sugar grams and carb servings. You are allowed 15 grams of sugar from all sources, including vegetables. Who knew that broccoli had sugar? And you are allowed 6 carb servings. A serving of carbs is as follows: 5 - 20 is one serving, 21 - 40 is 2, 41 - 60 is 3, and so on. Under 5 is not counted, even though there may be sugar that has to be counted. For instance, a 2 large stalks of celery have only 4 carbs (not counted) but 2 grams of sugar, which is. Likewise, 2 slices of Ezekiel bread (without raisins) has no sugar but 28 carbs (2 servings). Pair the bread with 2 Tbsp of almond butter (2 sugars, 7 carbs) and I am still at 2 carb servings.
It sounds a little complicated, but once you get the hang of it it's not. Three days in, I am 2 lbs down. I make sure that I get in as many carbs as are allowed so that I don't go into ketosis - I don't want to be swinging back and forth 3 pounds all the time while going in and out. If I want to be in ketosis, I can just eat 5 carb servings and keep it there.
I am feeling good on this program - my head is clear, my stomach doesn't hurt, my bowels are fairly regular and I don't have the horrendous gas that Medifast food gives me. I am eating real food. I am not eating wheels of cheese at a sitting or pounds of bacon - the Atkins stereotype. I eat vegetables. I can eat fruit if I want to work it in. I eat bread. I can have dark chocolate and wine. I can have a handful of walnuts (good fat, no sugar and 4 carbs for 1/4 cup). I do have to look things up, but I only have to count to 15 and 6. That's all.
I will check in on Wednesday and report how it is going. I am just so tired of binging and feeling bad both physically and mentally. I can't turn myself loose on the food world, but I can count to 15.
So I have been researching different approaches to eating. I have seen that the most current and scientific research suggests low carb eating is the way to go. I found one program called Belly Fat Cure that intrigues me, so I am going to follow it for a week and see how I feel about it. It is low carb, similar to Atkins, but not a ketosis program - unless, of course, you decide to make it one. On this program you count sugar grams and carb servings. You are allowed 15 grams of sugar from all sources, including vegetables. Who knew that broccoli had sugar? And you are allowed 6 carb servings. A serving of carbs is as follows: 5 - 20 is one serving, 21 - 40 is 2, 41 - 60 is 3, and so on. Under 5 is not counted, even though there may be sugar that has to be counted. For instance, a 2 large stalks of celery have only 4 carbs (not counted) but 2 grams of sugar, which is. Likewise, 2 slices of Ezekiel bread (without raisins) has no sugar but 28 carbs (2 servings). Pair the bread with 2 Tbsp of almond butter (2 sugars, 7 carbs) and I am still at 2 carb servings.
It sounds a little complicated, but once you get the hang of it it's not. Three days in, I am 2 lbs down. I make sure that I get in as many carbs as are allowed so that I don't go into ketosis - I don't want to be swinging back and forth 3 pounds all the time while going in and out. If I want to be in ketosis, I can just eat 5 carb servings and keep it there.
I am feeling good on this program - my head is clear, my stomach doesn't hurt, my bowels are fairly regular and I don't have the horrendous gas that Medifast food gives me. I am eating real food. I am not eating wheels of cheese at a sitting or pounds of bacon - the Atkins stereotype. I eat vegetables. I can eat fruit if I want to work it in. I eat bread. I can have dark chocolate and wine. I can have a handful of walnuts (good fat, no sugar and 4 carbs for 1/4 cup). I do have to look things up, but I only have to count to 15 and 6. That's all.
I will check in on Wednesday and report how it is going. I am just so tired of binging and feeling bad both physically and mentally. I can't turn myself loose on the food world, but I can count to 15.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Aparigraha
This week in yoga, we were concentrating on Aparigraha, one of the yamas that are one of the 8 limbs of yoga. A yama is a set of moral codes. This first yama is non-violence. This one refers to non-hoarding.
What does this have to do with eating or food? This is a very rich word. It also refers to only taking what you need. For instance, when I lived alone I decided that I really didn't need to be living in a 2 bedroom apartment, a single bedroom or even a studio would do just fine. Taken to an extreme, it can mean to eschew all material possessions. But we need some material possessions for comfort. I need a place to sit, a table at which to eat, a bed to sleep in. They don't need to be grand - having a brand new expensive beautiful dresser doesn't hold my clothes any better than a used one does. And neither the new nor the old make me a better person. They are just things and things can be destroyed, taken or lost.
Applying this philosophy to food, though, means that I eat no more than I need to maintain my body. It means that I don't hoard my food, whether in my cupboards by over buying or in my body by binging. This is where I am putting my meditation today. What can I release in order to make room for something better? Today, I release my obsession with food in order to make room for more peace. I release my greediness when it comes to food. Today, I will take no more than I need.
This is a difficult thing for me. I do okay with it when it comes to material possessions. STUFF doesn't mean a lot to me. But with food? That is a completely different story. I come from a large family of origin. If we didn't move quickly, we didn't get whatever it was we were trying for. As a result, we all learned to eat a lot and eat it fast because it would be gone if we didn't. However, I am no longer a child. If we run out of something, I can buy more. They will make more. I don't have to shove it all into my mouth now before I lose out on the chance. As an adult, I don't need to be governed by my physical desires. I can be governed by my physical needs, but not my desires. The two are not the same.
So today I am practicing Aparigraha. I will take no more than I need.
What does this have to do with eating or food? This is a very rich word. It also refers to only taking what you need. For instance, when I lived alone I decided that I really didn't need to be living in a 2 bedroom apartment, a single bedroom or even a studio would do just fine. Taken to an extreme, it can mean to eschew all material possessions. But we need some material possessions for comfort. I need a place to sit, a table at which to eat, a bed to sleep in. They don't need to be grand - having a brand new expensive beautiful dresser doesn't hold my clothes any better than a used one does. And neither the new nor the old make me a better person. They are just things and things can be destroyed, taken or lost.
Applying this philosophy to food, though, means that I eat no more than I need to maintain my body. It means that I don't hoard my food, whether in my cupboards by over buying or in my body by binging. This is where I am putting my meditation today. What can I release in order to make room for something better? Today, I release my obsession with food in order to make room for more peace. I release my greediness when it comes to food. Today, I will take no more than I need.
This is a difficult thing for me. I do okay with it when it comes to material possessions. STUFF doesn't mean a lot to me. But with food? That is a completely different story. I come from a large family of origin. If we didn't move quickly, we didn't get whatever it was we were trying for. As a result, we all learned to eat a lot and eat it fast because it would be gone if we didn't. However, I am no longer a child. If we run out of something, I can buy more. They will make more. I don't have to shove it all into my mouth now before I lose out on the chance. As an adult, I don't need to be governed by my physical desires. I can be governed by my physical needs, but not my desires. The two are not the same.
So today I am practicing Aparigraha. I will take no more than I need.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
The Person I Need to Ignore
By Jon Acuff:
The #1 person you need to ignore.
If someone talked to you the way you talk to you, you’d never have lunch with him.
You’d tell him they were really discouraging and hurtful.
You’d wonder why he doubts on your dreams so much.
You’d never call him for advice or ask for their help.
If the inner voice in your head was an actual person you would have stopped listening to that person a long time ago.
So why then, are you still listening to him?
Today, evict that person.
When doubt gets loud, and it will, imagine that doubt was sitting across from you at a restaurant. Would you sit there for hours and hear about all the ways you suck?
Or would you get up and walk out, perhaps even turning over the table for good measure?
It’s time to move on.
It’s time to flip some tables.
It’s time to stop listening to that internal doubt.
Boy is this ever true! I know that I would never allow another person to speak to me the way I do. I know that my Self doesn't understand sarcasm and so believes everything I say. So why do I say these things to myself? Especially on days following less than stellar ones. Like today.
Today, I am evicting that person. Today, I am taking a step towards peace and self acceptance. If we all have to live in the same body (me, myself and I), we need to learn to get along!
The #1 person you need to ignore.
If someone talked to you the way you talk to you, you’d never have lunch with him.
You’d tell him they were really discouraging and hurtful.
You’d wonder why he doubts on your dreams so much.
You’d never call him for advice or ask for their help.
If the inner voice in your head was an actual person you would have stopped listening to that person a long time ago.
So why then, are you still listening to him?
Today, evict that person.
When doubt gets loud, and it will, imagine that doubt was sitting across from you at a restaurant. Would you sit there for hours and hear about all the ways you suck?
Or would you get up and walk out, perhaps even turning over the table for good measure?
It’s time to move on.
It’s time to flip some tables.
It’s time to stop listening to that internal doubt.
Boy is this ever true! I know that I would never allow another person to speak to me the way I do. I know that my Self doesn't understand sarcasm and so believes everything I say. So why do I say these things to myself? Especially on days following less than stellar ones. Like today.
Today, I am evicting that person. Today, I am taking a step towards peace and self acceptance. If we all have to live in the same body (me, myself and I), we need to learn to get along!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Happy Birthday, Dad!
For the past 88 years, this earth has been hosting the most amazing man, my Dad. He is kind, funny, silly, honest and caring. He teaches me something every day - usually about patience.
Dad was a man who, if he had to sit around very long, would get bored and build a porch or something. He could walk with 4 little kids sitting on his feet, 2 on each foot. He could fix anything except balloons. He was the one we all went to for advice and help. Unlike my Mom, who felt that everyone was entitled to her opinion, Dad would never tell you how to live your life. But if you didn't want to hear the truth of what he though, don't ask him because he wasn't going to sugar coat anything. He thought his kids were perfect just the way they were. It's not that we could do no wrong - we did lots of wrong. But he didn't hold grudges or withhold his love. And he loved my mother until the day she died after 63 years together.
This man is a mere shadow of who he was 20 years ago. He is smaller, shorter and much more frail. But he is still HIM. In true Dad form, this morning I was showing him the posts on Facebook from the family. He said "It's my first time!". "Um, you first time at what, Dad?" "My first time being ME!" Can't really argue with that logic!
He may have forgotten pudding, but he has not forgotten that he loves his family. He may have trouble with what day it is, but he has no trouble wanting to help where he can - and often where he can't. He may not change his clothes or shower on a regular schedule, but his heart is clean and his intentions are honorable. He may be a frail old man, but at 88 he is still my Daddy. True, he is now a juxtaposition of an 88 year old gentleman with a 5 year old with ADD. But he is still the most incredible person I know.
Happy Birthday, Dad. You are one of the good ones!
Dad was a man who, if he had to sit around very long, would get bored and build a porch or something. He could walk with 4 little kids sitting on his feet, 2 on each foot. He could fix anything except balloons. He was the one we all went to for advice and help. Unlike my Mom, who felt that everyone was entitled to her opinion, Dad would never tell you how to live your life. But if you didn't want to hear the truth of what he though, don't ask him because he wasn't going to sugar coat anything. He thought his kids were perfect just the way they were. It's not that we could do no wrong - we did lots of wrong. But he didn't hold grudges or withhold his love. And he loved my mother until the day she died after 63 years together.
This man is a mere shadow of who he was 20 years ago. He is smaller, shorter and much more frail. But he is still HIM. In true Dad form, this morning I was showing him the posts on Facebook from the family. He said "It's my first time!". "Um, you first time at what, Dad?" "My first time being ME!" Can't really argue with that logic!
He may have forgotten pudding, but he has not forgotten that he loves his family. He may have trouble with what day it is, but he has no trouble wanting to help where he can - and often where he can't. He may not change his clothes or shower on a regular schedule, but his heart is clean and his intentions are honorable. He may be a frail old man, but at 88 he is still my Daddy. True, he is now a juxtaposition of an 88 year old gentleman with a 5 year old with ADD. But he is still the most incredible person I know.
Happy Birthday, Dad. You are one of the good ones!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Snow day
It is snowing today. This is the first one of the year that is sticking. The first snow of the year always makes me want to bake Christmas cookies. Not so much this year, though. This year I am watching it come down and already my feet feel cold. I will be taking the dog out in this, my feet will get wet and all of me will be cold. I am really glad, though, that this is the only reason that I have to leave the house today. The snow will turn into rain later today which means that the snow on the ground is very wet and is compacting on the roads making them icy.
But it does remind me that my body never takes a day off. No matter when or where, in the presence of too many calories and too much food, my body will not only lay down layers of fat, but it will feel bad.
On a completely different note, I am hoping Dad has a better day today. Yesterday, he forgot what pudding was and proceeded to spread chocolate pudding on his grilled cheese sandwich. When he finished lunch, there was half of the pudding left which he couldn't eat because he was out of sandwich. It, sadly, reminded me of when I told Mom that she couldn't eat catsup because it had too much sugar in it. So she immediately put some on her plate and dipped her cantaloup in it. At this time in Dad's life, he can no longer taste much. Apparently, neither could Mom. But, as my son said, Who forgets pudding??
Welcome to my world. Dad argued with me this morning because he thought today was his birthday. It is tomorrow. He said "but it's the 5th". Yes, your birthday is the 6th. It took a few minutes before he was able to pull up "11 - 6 - 25" and then he agreed with me. Sigh.
Anytime I wonder what the point of all this is, I remember these things. And then I know why.
But it does remind me that my body never takes a day off. No matter when or where, in the presence of too many calories and too much food, my body will not only lay down layers of fat, but it will feel bad.
On a completely different note, I am hoping Dad has a better day today. Yesterday, he forgot what pudding was and proceeded to spread chocolate pudding on his grilled cheese sandwich. When he finished lunch, there was half of the pudding left which he couldn't eat because he was out of sandwich. It, sadly, reminded me of when I told Mom that she couldn't eat catsup because it had too much sugar in it. So she immediately put some on her plate and dipped her cantaloup in it. At this time in Dad's life, he can no longer taste much. Apparently, neither could Mom. But, as my son said, Who forgets pudding??
Welcome to my world. Dad argued with me this morning because he thought today was his birthday. It is tomorrow. He said "but it's the 5th". Yes, your birthday is the 6th. It took a few minutes before he was able to pull up "11 - 6 - 25" and then he agreed with me. Sigh.
Anytime I wonder what the point of all this is, I remember these things. And then I know why.
Monday, November 4, 2013
What is different?
I have been on this journey, this time, for nearly 7
years. As I have mentioned before, I started in January 2007 in Weight
Watchers. Over the next 2 years, I lost 113 lbs. I kept it off for 2
years. Then my folks got sick and hurt. And I lost my focus and put a
few pounds back on. Over the next 2 years, I gained back half of what I
had lost on Weight Watchers.
I started TSFL/Medifast in July 2012. I have reclaimed my 113 lbs and added to it. Yes, I have struggled. Yes, I have fallen. Yes, I have occasionally gained. But the difference is that every time I fall, I get back up. I don't allow myself to gain back everything I had lost.
I am up right now - I have gained back 9 lbs in the past 2 months. But it stops here. I no longer quit and just let things be. I no longer decide that I am happy being fat. I am not. I no longer tell myself that I am healthy even when I am fat. I am not. I no longer tell myself that I can do anything I want to even when I am fat. I can't.
Ok, so this is my umpteenth Day 2. What that means is that, for the umpteenth time, I have accomplished a Day 1. It means that, for the umpteenth time, I am on my feet fighting for myself. It means that, for the umpteenth time, I am choosing to feel good in my skin rather than walking around in a carb cloud. And that is a good thing.
There is no such thing as cheating on a diet. The word "diet" refers to what we eat. I can't cheat on that. I can cheat at cards. I can cheat on my taxes. I can't cheat on my diet. It simply is what it is. And it is a journey. Regardless of which direction I am traveling at the moment, I am still on my journey. Yes, perhaps it will take me longer to reach my destination. But the trip, the lessons learned along the way, make the arrival that much richer and valuable. We are the sum total of the decisions we make. And each one, for better or worse, make me more of who I am. Each failure shows me something. Every stumble makes me more aware. I learn far more from my failures than I do from my successes. But the lessons learned make the successes that much sweeter.
I am not, by any means, advocating failing on purpose. I am always striving to succeed. But when I don't, when I fall flat on my face, I need to be able to get up, brush myself off and continue on my journey.
And that is what makes this time different.
I started TSFL/Medifast in July 2012. I have reclaimed my 113 lbs and added to it. Yes, I have struggled. Yes, I have fallen. Yes, I have occasionally gained. But the difference is that every time I fall, I get back up. I don't allow myself to gain back everything I had lost.
I am up right now - I have gained back 9 lbs in the past 2 months. But it stops here. I no longer quit and just let things be. I no longer decide that I am happy being fat. I am not. I no longer tell myself that I am healthy even when I am fat. I am not. I no longer tell myself that I can do anything I want to even when I am fat. I can't.
Ok, so this is my umpteenth Day 2. What that means is that, for the umpteenth time, I have accomplished a Day 1. It means that, for the umpteenth time, I am on my feet fighting for myself. It means that, for the umpteenth time, I am choosing to feel good in my skin rather than walking around in a carb cloud. And that is a good thing.
There is no such thing as cheating on a diet. The word "diet" refers to what we eat. I can't cheat on that. I can cheat at cards. I can cheat on my taxes. I can't cheat on my diet. It simply is what it is. And it is a journey. Regardless of which direction I am traveling at the moment, I am still on my journey. Yes, perhaps it will take me longer to reach my destination. But the trip, the lessons learned along the way, make the arrival that much richer and valuable. We are the sum total of the decisions we make. And each one, for better or worse, make me more of who I am. Each failure shows me something. Every stumble makes me more aware. I learn far more from my failures than I do from my successes. But the lessons learned make the successes that much sweeter.
I am not, by any means, advocating failing on purpose. I am always striving to succeed. But when I don't, when I fall flat on my face, I need to be able to get up, brush myself off and continue on my journey.
And that is what makes this time different.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Halloween results
Well, regardless of good intentions, Halloween was an epic failure. I bought 4 bags of "Fun Sized" bars for the little visitors. Plus I had a bowl of candy left from last year. Well, we had not a single little tyke (or big tyke) that came to our door. And, apparently, I felt the need to consume all the candy. I didn't eat it ALL, but I ate way way too many of them. And, yes, today I am "thick" to my stomach! No matter what the bag called them, this is NOT fun sized!
This has pointed out a basic flaw in my reasoning. One I have been aware of for years, but seem to have lost sight of. And that is that without a specific, detailed plan I get lost. And I did not have a plan last night. I did not set any intentions for the evening. I did not protect what I have fixed.
Today is a new day. I messed up yesterday, true. Today I have a plan. Today, I have my food schedule written down and ready. I know what I am doing today. I am not leaving anything to chance. I can't - I get rid of my fat clothes as soon as they get too big. I have nothing to go back to and am on the edge with what I have. So, for today, I am on plan. For today, I am ready and in the right mind set Just for today. Tomorrow is not today's worry. Today is all I can control. And the way that past 2 days have gone, today is enough of a job by itself.
This has pointed out a basic flaw in my reasoning. One I have been aware of for years, but seem to have lost sight of. And that is that without a specific, detailed plan I get lost. And I did not have a plan last night. I did not set any intentions for the evening. I did not protect what I have fixed.
Today is a new day. I messed up yesterday, true. Today I have a plan. Today, I have my food schedule written down and ready. I know what I am doing today. I am not leaving anything to chance. I can't - I get rid of my fat clothes as soon as they get too big. I have nothing to go back to and am on the edge with what I have. So, for today, I am on plan. For today, I am ready and in the right mind set Just for today. Tomorrow is not today's worry. Today is all I can control. And the way that past 2 days have gone, today is enough of a job by itself.
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