It's been nearly a year since my last post. So many things have changed since then. It has been a year of extreme transition, heartache and survival.
A year ago, my Dad died. After his death, just when I figured I was going to be able to live in his house, I was informed that the house would go on the market in the Fall. I had to find a place to land. My sister started sending me real estate listings. I started looking at mobiles. She said she would cosign a mortgage for me. Well, that part didn't happen. But we found a place that works, and works well. We each put up $15k and she loaned me the other $35k at no interest. The house actually is a mobile but it's called a "detitled mobile", meaning that the wheels have been removed and it has been tied down to a foundation and retitled as real property so when I bought the house, I bought the lot too. It is small - 1100 sq ft - but has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. My sister has a room here that she uses when she is in town with or without her husband. And dog.
I moved in August along with my 17 year old cat and Dad's dog. I was there for 1 week before I started work in a call center for the Washington health exchange. I like the job but more than anything, I like having the structure of a job. However, since Fall, I have been fighting serious depression. I started back on Medifast in September after gaining 50 lbs over the past year. I lost 20 but just couldn't stand it this time. I stopped and went low carb. I gained 10 lbs. So now I was up 40 lbs. Funny, I never maintain my losses, but I also don't go back where I started. But I could see it coming. Physically, I am not the 300 lb person I was in 2007, but mentally I am very close.
On March 28, I decided to try Positive Changes Hypnosis. Yes, it is expensive - $2727 up front. But I spent more than that the year I was on Medifast. I know how to eat properly. What I need is to want to.
So I will blog about this part of my journey for now. This journey has been a lot longer and more convoluted than I ever expected when I started it 8 years ago. My life has taken a lot of turns I didn't see coming, too. But here I am - still fighting for life, still trying to find a way to get through it, still too stubborn to lie down and quit. I thought I had it all together with Weight Watchers. And I did. Until I didn't. Medifast worked for me but caused me to binge. Well, the program didn't. The "all or nothingness" of it did. My issue, not Medifast. But I am sooooo tired of thinking about food. So tired of counting, measuring, worrying, obsessing. I need a break from it all - but a break that will not leave me 300 lbs. This is what I am doing.
And I have to say, the hypnosis is actually amazing. I am calmer, I slept 6 hours straight 2 days last week (can't remember the last time THAT happened), I feel lighter, I don't think about food as much, I have lost some weight and best of all - the depression is lifting. I occasionally recognize something that passes for joy. This is my life and I am claiming it. It does not honor my parents or the job that we did if I fall apart. A year of trying to find my feet is enough.
So this is the next part of my journey. The last part. The final part. My house is beginning to feel like home. I like my job. It doesn't pay what I used to make, but I can live on it fine. The dog and cat are in relatively good health. My health is just fine. And I am rediscovering my place in the world. I am proud of what I have done, what I have been through, what I have survived. And it will go on.
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