Am I enough?

I overate yesterday.  I sat down with the nut jar and ate all the almonds I could find.  Of course, I was not looking at them - I did it by the Braille method.  Today, I woke up with that same old overwhelming sadness on me.  I also know I listened to my process in bed last night but when the dog woke me up at 5:45, I couldn't find the MP3 player.  It was already in the living room and I don't remember bringing it out here.  Apparently I did that when the dog went out around 3 or so.

I am feeling like this is both not working and I am not working it.  Like I am waiting for my Elliptical to come before I can keep going.  But I do fine my food choices better.  I can't say I am obsessing any less, though.  When I was doing WW or MF, I always had a support group to share with, ask questions of, etc.  This time, I'm on my own.  I will ask at the center this weekend if they know of any closed FB groups or message boards around for PCH.  But then, maybe I really don't want it.  I don't want to read the negative remarks people make.  This is the last program I am going to do.  If I learn nothing, if I have tossed away $3,000, then it is on me and I am done.  I hope at least that I will learn enough to not be on Intervention or My 600 lb Life.  I don't want to live my life from a position of fear. I want to live it from a position of joy. 

I have felt for some time that I need to eat what my body says it needs, that my mind knows what that is, that the Sue plan is a perfectly acceptable plan.  I know this.  Every program I have been on, I eventually rewrite.  The WW Core program is a great program but the low fat/fat free aspect of it is not good.  Fat doesn't make you fat - sugar does.  Medifast is in a category of its own - it caused me to binge and binge badly.  The 100 plan is more like my natural way of eating but fruit is bad, any sort of wheat/bread is bad, any carb source other than nuts and vegetables is bad.  I am tired of vilifying whole food groups.  I agree with eating things I recognize and avoiding chemicals in my food.  I am starting to tap into my own mind/body rule for eating.  I don't avoid fat, but I don't eat cheese wrapped in bacon and deep fried.  I like brightly colored food, I love cilantro in anything.  I can get along with some cheese but I don't need to make pizza dough out of a whole package of cheese and then eat the whole thing.  My mind is saying that this is not what I need.  But I also don't feel like I need to avoid things.  If I want to eat cake, I want to make the choice to eat it, put the slice on a plate and acknowledge that i am eating it - not cut a teeny slice and shove it in my mouth before I notice it.  As my last hypnotist put it - I want to eat cake, but on my terms not on its.

He did say that there are 4 stages to this process.  And that many people find themselves agitated and resistant in the second stage, which is where I am now.  And if I stop and look at it realistically, I see that there are many changes taking place.  I also know that it isn't all going to happen in one month which is why this is a 9 month program and the processes make reference to completing the whole program.  I will remind myself that what I think and feel do not necessarily reflect reality.  And what my mind thinks, my body hears.

In the meantime, my freezer and fridge are packed again.  I have more things on order.  So this is another piece of my obsession that has popped out because my binging is not happening so much.  So I will listen to my processes and give myself permission to have peace.  To know that I am enough, that I am complete.  That I do not need to fill myself up from the outside.