March 2013
Well, the binge devils hit me again last night. Did you know that
eating a whole box of S'Mores bars will make you sick? Huh, they do.
And I am a little embarrassed to admit to this, but here it goes.
A few things came together in a perfect storm to create a fertile ground for this to happen. Some I understand. Some I don't.
1. I was cold. Really really cold.
2. Dad went to be early which disrupted my routine. I am a little bit OCD about routine.
3.
I was alone. Blessedly alone. It happens so rarely that the internal
pressure of being constantly on guard is released and it always sends me
into a feeding frenzy. This is the one I don't understand.
If I
haven't said before, I am my Dad's full time caretaker. By full time I
mean on duty 13 hours a day and "on call" 24 hours. It is not
strenuous - he isn't bed ridden like my mother was - but it is
stressful. I am watching him disappear while trying to make his world
safe. So when the pressure suddenly eases, I have this response of "Oh,
yes! Let's have ice cream!"
This is not a new phenomenon. It
has been my response to being "blessedly alone" since my early life. I
came from a big family - the oldest daughter of 6 kids, married young
(19), had kids at 21. I have spent my life being hyper-responsible and
over extended. But my soul required silence and solitude to "reboot",
and my old tapes consider "treating myself" to be part of the reboot
sequence. These are the tapes I need to change.
This morning, I
am feeling somewhat battered and bruised. A little run over. But here I
sit, with my black coffee and my MF cereal, once again popping up with
that stupid smile on my face. I have planned out my food for the day.
It is foggy and gloomy outside right now, but they are promising
sunshine later. So I will, again, go take my shower, take the dog for a
walk and do my best to find grace and compassion to treat my Dad with
respect and humor.
Thank you for giving me a place to vent.
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