My deepest fears

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  You were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~Marianne Williamson

There is so much truth in this statement.  I know I talk about feeling like I have no value.  The problem is not that I have no value.  The problem is that I have too much value.  I have too much power, and I know it.  I have been given so many gifts, there are so many things at which I excel.  And I know this.  My feelings of inferiority are simply the fear of my power all dressed up in a fat suit.  I am not afraid that I will disappear.  I am afraid that I will not be able to disappear.  I am afraid of the beauty and strength that lie within me because on many levels I feel like I don't deserve them.  And I don't know what to do with them.  And I'm not sure I want them. These things have served to keep me safe.  But I have outgrown them now.  And if I haven't, I need to.

In the beautiful words of Max Ehrmann's Desiderata:

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here.

I'm afraid of what comes after the weight loss.  I'm afraid of how to live my life when I'm not being a "rock star" for having lost a pile of weight.  That is when I will have to admit, accept and even embrace my power because wasting my power serves no one.  Not me.  Not you.  Not God.  So who am I to take this precious gift I have been given and put it away never to be used?  I use the good china, I wear my good clothes, I wear my pretty jewelry to walk the dog.  How can I not use this?

I think our assignment on this earth is to learn to use the gifts I have been given, we have all been given.  To understand all the ways I have used my weight as a defense. To remove myself from the little box I have put myself into and step out in faith.  And, you know, I can already feel the box collapsing!