Some thanks, and some realizations

Today is a better day.  I see sun peeking out between the clouds.  I was able to walk the dog without being rained on.  My brain is calming down and no longer feels like I have a twirling dervish inside.  I have been OP for 30 hours now and I'm feeling fine.  My last binge did not knock me out of fat burn - Saturday's did, but not Wednesday - so I don't have that fight on my hands.  Not that that is necessarily a good thing - it's just a thing.  I'm not trying to see how much I can get away with.  I am not telling anyone anywhere to follow my examples.  I have never done that - most of my examples are negative ones.

But I have made some realizations. 

1.  My body's reaction to sugar and wine are 2 of the things I cannot change. 

2. I keep wondering why I am having such an issue now.   What is it about now that is so different than before?  Years ago, when I first started this journey, I became a compulsive food shopper.  I have always loved grocery shopping.  But perhaps I got a little out of hand and perhaps I should have noticed it when a) I had enough food in my tiny 1 bedroom apartment to feed a small nation and b) I took out payday loans so that I could go grocery shopping. Out of hand? You think???  Anyway, my daughter pointed out that I had transferred my eating addiction into a shopping addiction.  Still not ringing any bells, though.

I came home 3 years ago to be my folks' caretaker.  I do the grocery shopping here.  I pretty much had an unlimited budget from the get go.  Their once empty freezers and cupboards  were quickly filling.  I was thinking I may need to use duct tape to keep the freezer door shut like I did in my apartment.  Still no bell ringing in my head, however.

Then, about 2 months ago, the money situation changed.  I now have a grocery budget.  I can't indiscriminately shop.  And the money is a lot tighter. All of a sudden, the food demons are back.  They have pulled off their masks and are back in my face.  All of a sudden, the bells are clanging loud and clear in my head.  I see now that they never left, never quieted down.  They simply put on masks.  It is like a balloon - if I squeeze in one place, a different one pops out.  I see now that I have spent my life in the throws of multiple addictions and if one wasn't active, another one was.  And they all have the same face.  Mine.

This is an arduous journey.  This is a daunting task.  But it's one I don't have to walk alone.  My demons thrive on "alone".  They are fed by secrets.

SO thank you for giving me a place to work through all of this.  I know I share too much.  I know I am overly transparent.  But I am grateful. Truly.