Peace

Not a very deep blog today.  Things are fairly calm here right now.  I was hoping for a good weigh in this week, but it will not be. I weigh in tomorrow and am currently a full pound over last week.  Which was 1.6 over the week before.  But I am working on containing my urges - eating, shopping, etc.  Today is a day to hit the grocery store and I am actually excited.  I wake up early on Wednesdays because that is the day the grocery ads come out.  All of which are geared towards feeding me in some fashion. 

I keep thinking that I should get this already.  I mean, I understand that I have a problem.  I am identifying my triggers.  So why do the compulsions to overeat still attack me?  Perhaps I am expecting too much.  That, by the way, was a tongue in cheek comment.  Some parts of me think that this should be an instantaneous thing - I know what is going on, so now it should be over.  I should be past it all the way to total mental health.  I guess it doesn't work that way.  Now that I am seeing myself more clearly, I will be tested.  It is one thing to understand what is happening.  It is another thing to do something about it.  That is the basis of this whole journey.  I knew I was fat.  Too fat to be healthy.  To fat to live to be an old old woman.  But knowing this and doing something about it were two separate issues.

Well, I am doing something about it.  I am down 117 pounds.  And when the binge demons strike and I agree to let them have their way with my body, I know what I am doing.  I know that I am binging.  I am not mindless.  I also know what the consequences will be.  And I am learning what I need to do to avoid it.  But doing those things when the demons are screaming so loud it is hard to hear my own voice?  When it is just easier to give in than to fight them even one more moment?  That is different.  I realize that I did this with my kids, too.  If they made a whole lot of noise with the ensuing confusion I would have given them almost anything to get them to stop.  I often felt like I had given birth to a race of alien insects who were sucking my brain dry.   Like my kids, the demons don't make a request.  They don't ask politely for permission to destroy my peace.  They scream and cry and wail until I am willing to give them anything to make them stop.  I can almost hear my kids "Mom! Mom! No, Talk To Me!!! Mama!"

Wow, this fight goes back a long way, doesn't it? My kids are both in their late 30s now.  When asked many many years ago what I wanted from life, all I could say was "Peace".  Being an aging flower child, I figured I was just a product of my generation.  Now, I'm not so sure.  I think it is deeper than that.  I think my deep thirst for peace is bigger than that.

On with the journey.  Today is a bright sunny day.  I will walk the dog, weed the garden, do the laundry, get to the grocery store and follow my list, cook dinner and follow my food plan. Tonight, I will go celebrate with some friends as they marry each other.  And I will do that without cake, without champagne, without worrying about what food is available.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.  But, today?  I got this.