Sisters and other family

My sister breezed through town yesterday.  She does this on occasion and I realized last night that every time it throws me into a tailspin.  You see, she is the tall one, the beautiful one, the thin one, the athletic one, the rich one - the DOCTOR!  Not that she lords any of this over anyone. She doesn't.  And I don't think she sees herself this way.

Jane is 10 years younger than I am.  By the time she was in high school, I was out of the house.  Mom always wanted to be a nurse and never was.  But she was determined to have a doctor in the family.  Jane was the one who had the grades and desire.  So she became Mom's focus.  There was a time when Jane questioned whether she was living her dream or Mom's.  But Mom put her energy into having a doctor in the family.  Which, of course, made Mom a medical expert by proxy.  How sad that, in their elderly years, Jane is also the one that both Mom & Dad can't place.  Mom would look at her and say "You look like someone I should know".  And Dad has to be reminded who she is.  

I am not at all sure that Jane has anything to do with my reactions to her being here.  Rather I think my issue is that she has a lot of Mom's expressions which are read by my 6 year old mind as disapproval.  I really should understand this because my face does exactly the same thing.  But Jane always seems to be looking at me and biting her tongue.  And I try so hard.  But I realize that it isn't Jane's approval I am trying to get.  It is Mom's, and Mom is dead.  Whatever approval I was going to garner from her has already been done.

Still, last night, I went to bed in tears.  Partly because I was allowing the demons to have free reign. Again.  But I kept saying "I want!  I want!  I want to be perfect like Jane!  I want to be important like Jane! I want her to like me!"  And that is when the demons shut up.  Stunned, most likely.  That is when I was able to say "Ok, put this crap away and stop this nonsense!"  And I did.

Today, a new day is upon me.  Today will have it's own challenges.  We are going to a Canada Day celebration at my daughter's house with her friends and her Dad.  My ex and his current spouse.  My Ex - the master of pushing the "Who are you?  You're not important" buttons.  Actually, he used to tell me that all the time.  We have been divorced for 33 years.  We have grown up, both of us.  And I tell myself that he only has whatever power I give him.  But, still, I want to impress him.  I want him to like me.

Today, my promise, my vow to myself is that I will not numb myself with sludge.  I will eat on plan because that is what I need to do to like myself.  I need to be the tree, rather than the leaves being buffeted by the wind.  I need to remember that the few pounds it would cost me to eat away my fears are not the problem.  The problem is in the eating away the fears that are eating away at me.  The challenge is being abstinent in the face of stress, confusion, change in routine and fear.  The weight will take care of itself.