Life in 5 Chapters

An Autobiography in Five Chapters
by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost….I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the side walk.
I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I fall in….it’s a habit…but my eyes are open.
I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.

I have mentioned this (and mis-quoted it, I'm sure) before in my blogs.  But I find myself thinking about it again.  I have often deluded myself in thinking I am farther along this "book" than I really am.  And, I suppose, in some areas of my life, I am.

But in regards to my addictive behaviors, I am actually in Chapter 3.  Sometimes, Chapter 2.  Mostly Chapter 3 with some caveats, I guess.  I see a binge coming, I acknowledge that it is coming, I know that the deep hole is there.  My eyes are open.  And I fall in anyway.  I don't blame anyone but myself - it certainly is not anyone else's fault that I am there.  But I can't say I get out immediately.  I get out when I am damn good and ready to.  Yes, it's a habit.  And there is some comfort in it.   Knowing me, I have decorated the hole with lots of comfy furniture and wonderful music.  It is sort of like home to me - a place to hide away from the pressures and stresses of daily life.

I think maybe there might need to be a Chapter 3+, or maybe Chapter 4-. 

Chapter 3+/4-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk over to the edge of the hole.
I look lovingly and longingly into the hole.  For a long time.
Sadly, I walk around it.

Because I see this as the next step along this path.  I just don't see going directly from Chapter 3 to Chapter 4.  That just feels like way too big a jump to make at one time.  I think I may been to baby step from Chapter 3 to Chapter 4.

Here's to baby steps.  To making the best decisions we can in any given moment, even if they are not the best decisions we could have made in a different moment. Here's to growth, in all its painful glory.