I am thinking today about triggers. What things trigger me to binge? Sugar and her sister Wine are things that make me continue. But they don't start the binge because when it starts, when I am triggered to let it all go, they are not in my system. Yet. So what are the triggers? Or at least some of them.
Environmental: I am a secret eater. This has been something I have done as much of my life as I can recall. There is this feeling of being "blessedly alone". I come from a big family, I married young and had children young. Being alone was a blessed event for me. And I would eat. As a teenager, I remember making bread with butter and sugar in the kitchen while everyone else was watching tv in the other room.
Fast forward to now. I am my Dad's caretaker. I live with him. I basically own nothing because 3 years ago I got rid of everything I owned and moved in with him. I am with him from 7:30 am until we both go to bed at 9 pm. My room, my residence if you will, is in the finished basement. This is where I go on my day off - I watch the tv shows I recorded during the week. I sit with myself. I sit with my cat. But my Medifast food is also there. TRIGGER!
My response to recognizing this was to pack up everything that I used to binge on at night - the bars in particular. I removed them from my sight. The only thing left in there now are things I have to cook. I am not likely to binge on soup. Particularly not Medifast soup.
Now, I can't avoid being alone sometimes. But this trigger kicks in strongest when Dad decides to go to bed early. It is like a freedom thing then. The "blessedly alone" button starts blinking. Hmm.... there is ice cream. There is bread. There are boxes of cereal. There are...... TRIGGER!
So what do I do? At this point, I either give in or white knuckle it. I haven't figured this one out yet.
Another environmental trigger is the buffet type party. Food is set out. Everyone is grazing, eating, talking to people. No one will notice what I eat. Or don't eat. It is so easy to just grab a cracker, some nuts, some cheese, some chips, some more crackers, some more chips and off I go.
Emotional: I think most of my emotional triggers stem from feeling trivialized. Something pushes the 'Who are you? You're not important." buttons. Also, confusion will do it - too many things coming at me at once. Out of my routine, away from my quiet little life, feeling overwhelmed. TRIGGER!
So, what can I do? First, I can acknowledge the feeling. Recognize it. Honor it. Give it space. Basically, feel it. And then acknowledge that feeding it will not help. I will not feel more valid, less trivial, more important by eating a chocolate bar. I don't have to be large to not feel small. These feelings, while uncomfortable, are not fatal. Being less than perfect is not a character flaw. And I can't control what anyone else says or does. I can only control what I say or do.
Of course, it is also important to never allow myself to get too hungry or too full. Too hungry leads to the lack of discretion in what I choose to eat. Too full triggers a feeding frenzy, too. Even if I am too full from eating my required Lean & Green, that feeling will cause a problem.
Feeling lost and out of control will turn me into an eating machine. Why is control so important? Because my disease tells me that only by being in control of everything around me, can I be safe. And unless I am safe, I will surely die. This is flawed thinking. This is my disease speaking to me. This is not the truth. I don't have to be numb to be safe. Safety is an illusion. I don't have to be someone else to be loved. I am already loved. I am not stealing air from someone else simply by breathing. I have a right to be here.
It is freeing and somewhat scary to write this. But organizing my thoughts helps me to see the picture. Sort of like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. I am seeing a picture emerge from the individual pieces and seeing how one piece affects the next piece.
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