Today, I am sad

I am sad today.  I have worked so hard to stay on plan, then let my guard down last night.  I got 3 food shipments in the past 2 days.  But I think the thing that did me in was allowing myself to get a bit cocky.  I saw my reflection wearing bicycle shorts and thought "Man, I really am getting pretty small!" I also am feeling overwhelmed by my Dad's decline, and it makes me angry at both him and at myself.  Sitting across from him at dinner makes me want to scream lately.  He chokes on his dinner, but shoves so much in his mouth that it falls out when he puts more in.  I try to remind him to swallow what is in his mouth before shoving more in.  But he then looks at me like "What?  I can't even EAT right for you??".  And then he chokes.  Some days, my compassion is sorely lacking.  Some days this feeble old man who used to be my strong vibrant father, my rock, just makes me angry.  And that makes me feel sad.  And tired.  And guilty.

At some point after dinner, I was in the kitchen when I found myself saying out loud "I really don't much care".  Well, there is was.  My mind was stating its intention to binge.  I heard it.  I recognized it. I understood it.  And did it anyway.  It started with dinner - helping myself to a few bites of Dad's cheddar broccoli soup.  Then the schnitzel.  Then the gravy.  Then it became the ice cream when I dished up his evening snack.  Then it was the bars in the boxes.  By the time I went to sleep, I had consumed 7 or 9 bars of different types, I'm not entirely sure.  So, of course, I am up a couple of pounds today.  And, of course, tomorrow is weigh in.  And, of course, I am having stomach issues today and a carb hangover.

Today is a new day.  It is humbling to me that every day we get a "do over".  I can't undo yesterday.  I can't uneat a single thing.  I can pat myself on the back a little for recognizing the intention that I stated, which I didn't before.  I only saw it in hindsight.  I can love myself a little bit harder today.  I can understand that momentary failures don't have to be a defining reality.  I can let it be a temporary thing.  Relapse is a part of recovery, I have been told.  I am new to this recovery thing, so I don't know for myself.

Today, it is back to what I know calms my soul - my Food Plan.  I will store the new food that came in, move the more difficult items to a less available location and start putting my life back in order.  Apparently order is very important to me. And I will be thankful that my binges don't last until morning.  Yet.