June 2013
I have used the term Emotional Eating for many years. The funny thing
is, I didn't really understand what I meant by it until now. It seems
like an obvious thing - I "stuff" my emotions by eating.
I tend
to disassociate, meaning I don't really feel my emotions. At my worst,
I see life like I am looking through a window that is across the room.
I don't have a lot of attachment to it. I have worked for years on
this and I am getting pretty good at being present and feeling joy, as
long is it isn't too intense. But sorrow? That gets let in little by
little. As a result of this, it takes me a lot longer to work through
things like my ex-fiance's suicide that many other people might.
So,
I am not sleeping very well lately. As soon as I am ready to sleep,
the pictures start in my head. His was an extremely ugly act. Last
night was particularly bad. And, boy, did I want to binge. But I
didn't - I kept reminding myself that, in the end, it wouldn't help.
But I did have an AHA moment during this time. This might be a
no-brainer to others, but it was an insight to me:
I don't eat to
comfort myself, so that I feel the physical reaction of the food. I
don't eat until my belly hurts because I want my body to feel as bad as
my heart. At least not consciously. No, I eat to make my belly hurt so
that I can feel that instead of the heart hurt. In the same manner as another might cut themselves - "you bleed so you know you're alive" sort of thing.
And
you know what? It's a whole lot easier to feel the belly pain. To
feel like I have been run over by a truck the next day. I know how to
do that. But the heart pain? Now THAT is really uncomfortable. But
eating instead of feeling is like using Neosporin on a deep infection -
it heals the skin but the infection remains, building, until it seeps
into your whole system and wreaks havoc everywhere. It's still there,
and it will only get worse until it is opened up and healed.
So, for this, I have to say "thank you Bob".
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