What I say is not necessarily what I do.

We all say we want to reach goal as quickly as possible.  We all say we want to be healthy, at our goal weight, looking wonderful RIGHT NOW.  But do we?  Do we really?

I am finding that every time I hit a new low weight wise, I wind up binging - either a minor one or a major one.  I will follow every rule, avoid any bites, licks or tastes, drink all my water.  I will do this for a few days and it will work.  I will weigh in at a new low.  Then all hell breaks loose.  Something comes up - this week it was a wedding reception - and I'm off.  I take that first bite of whatever wonderful (or even not quite so wonderful) looking sludge and I am off and running.  And every time I tell myself that I will just have this one cracker, or potato chip, or party mint or handful of mixed nuts because I have "earned it".  I will just have this one, then I will skip my next meal and it will all work out in the end.  Right.  And every time, I find something else that needs to be eaten today before I go back on plan tomorrow.  And I can always find things - even if they are Medifast bars. 

I am a compulsive overeater.  I am a binge eater and a binge alcoholic.  Once I get that first hit of sugar or wine, I don't stop until I run out or pass out.  The next day, I feel like I have been run over by a train - which is good, because it is exactly what I deserve, I tell myself.  And the trigger does not have to be a hugely emotional jolt, like the suicide of my former fiance last month.  Sometimes, it is plain old fear.  I am currently at a lower weight than I have been since the 80s.  Maybe 90s.  Who knows anymore.  But I am fighting myself every step of the way.  Using a stop and evaluate strategy does not really work when I am mid-binge.  Mainly because I am not in a helpless spiral - rather, I don't want to stop.  Not yet.  Maybe later. Like tomorrow.

And even with this, I keep losing weight.  Not as quickly as I would like, but probably far faster than I deserve.  But I know.  I  know that this is the very activity that built me a 300 pound body.  And I know that this very activity is just waiting to build me another one.  And I know that if I don't do the mental work to set in place strategies to stop this before it starts, I will be there again. I have even considered transitioning here so that I don't lose anymore weight and just maintain here.  My doctor would be fine with it.  I would not.  I need to finish what I started.  I need to GET IT.  I need to not just understand, but accept that this is the only thing that my body will do - it will respond to these stimuli this way Every. Single. Time.

So, I am on yet another sick cycle, feeling hungover from last nights eating.  And planning my strategy to mitigate the consequences.  And, once again, working on the whys - why I want to lose weight, why I do what I do, why sometimes I don't stop.