If you had asked me before I started this journey to weightlessness what it feels like to be fat, I wouldn’t have known how to answer. I may have tried to pass it off with something like “Oh, things are what they are”, or some other trite expression. I didn’t think that it felt like anything different than anything else. But then, what did I have to compare it to? I hadn’t really noticed my energy - what I had of it- dwindling, or my physical abilities lessening. And then I got sick. Suddenly I was 300 lbs, had high blood pressure (that I couldn’t attribute to my anti-depressant medications), had very little energy and even less physical ability. Of course, it wasn’t sudden at all. But for years I had been carrying the weight without a lot of inconvenience – I dated whomever I fancied, I went wherever I wanted to go and did whatever I wanted to do. I just hadn’t noticed that I was gradually wanting to do so much less. I was going fewer places because the idea of walking that far or standing that long seemed impossible. I was at another crossroads in my life – either do something about my weight or start looking for a cane to help me support my weight on ever weakening muscles and joints.
Many women say that they are treated as if they are invisible when they are fat. I didn’t notice that happening to me. I was not turned down for jobs (that I knew of, anyway) due to my weight because in my profession one is often hired without ever being seen. I may well have been turned down because of my sex, but not my weight. However, as I moved along this path toward a healthier lifestyle, I realized that it wasn’t others that treated me as if I were invisible. It was me. There were so many things that I didn’t allow myself to think or be. I didn’t allow myself to show that I was happy, or sad, or much of anything else. I couldn’t be proud of myself. I didn’t have opinions or dreams. I reacted to life rather than living it. How much of this was because of the aforementioned depression and how much was due to being fat? I don’t know. Was I depressed because I was fat or fat because I was depressed? It doesn’t really matter – I was both for most of my life. I allowed myself to be treated badly, and treated myself even worse.
The journey that I am on has been very enlightening in so many ways. I committed myself to it on the first day – to humbly accept the program as it was given to me, the lessons as they are taught and the wisdom of those who have gone before me. My first hurdle was to overcome the fear. What is scarier than hope? Especially hope in the face of a lifetime of failures? So I took one day at a time, one week at a time and one pound at a time. I recorded my meals and like a religious fanatic. I planned and I learned to shop appropriately. I learned to trust myself around food. I learned that food did not have to be the enemy. I learned that feeding myself is far more complicated than just not getting spaghetti sauce on my white shirt. I learned what is real food and what is junk food. I learned that things won’t always go the way I want them to, or the way that they seem like they should. I learned that I am in control and not in control at the same time. My body will release this weight at its own rate, not at mine. I can either accept this and take the ride no matter how long it lasts, or not take the ride at all. And THAT is not acceptable.
So what has changed in my life? There is no way I can list all the ways that my life has changed. I eat real food. I exercise regularly and joyfully. I smile more and stand straighter. I am kinder to others because I am kinder to myself. I can tie my shoes and breathe at the same time. I can wear a watch – who knew you could be too fat for a watch? I can stand on a chair if I need to. I can lie on my back and breathe at the same time. I can cross my legs when I sit. I can get up off of the floor without doing any strange gymnastics to get there. I can reach every part of my body that I need to for personal hygiene. I have energy, fun and – yes - hope.
And somewhere along the line, a strange thing happened. I became an example – and not a negative one. There is nothing great or inspiring about me. I’m just an ordinary middle aged woman. But, sometimes, ordinary people do extraordinary things. So, I have lost 100 lbs, true. But I have gained a life. Not just the life I saved, but the life I found.
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