I am on my third Day 1. In a row. I bought some different bars and have eaten 3 boxes of them in the past 3 nights. Along with chocolate chip cookies, a bagel, extra snacks. You name it, I have eaten it. And all this eating has been done in the last 3 hours of my day. It is ridiculous.
Today, I am crabby. God, am I crabby. I am trying to not take it out on Dad who can't help being an old old man. Who has no control over whether or not he chokes. Who rolls his jeans up nearly to his knees because he thinks they are supposed to not touch his shoes. Who irritates the crap out of me some days. Like today. He tries to help by pouring my coffee, then drips it all over the off white carpet Mom has always insisted on having. Today, there are parts of me that hates him. Ok I wrote that down just to get it out and look at it. I think the reason he irritates me so much is because, on many levels, I keep expecting him to be the man he used to be. And he isn't.
Parts of the old "him" remain. He is kind, loving, generous and willing to help in any way he can. And that is the rub. He just can't. He is also a willful 5 year old with ADD. He was a brilliant man and now he isn't. His age and physical issues have taken that away. He was strong and now he isn't. He is a doddering old man. Granted, he is nearly 88 years old. And, most of the time, clueless.
And this is not the reason I am so crabby. I am crabby because I don't like ME today. And when I don't like ME, I don't like him much either. I never had this kind of trouble being kind and patient with Mom. But I was new and fresh to this job and she only lived in the house for 6 months after I got here and in a nursing home for 7 more after that before she died.
Such irony. The biggest fear both of my parents had was that they would become victims of dementia. And they both did. I can do everything I can to avoid it, but who will take care of me when/if it happens to me? My folks have enough money saved to pay me to be the caretaker and to take care of their own needs. I have nothing. But I refuse to worry about that today. Those things will take care of themselves somehow.
So, today, I will do my best. I will follow my Day 1 program. Again. I will take the dog for a walk in the sunshine. I will put those damn bars in the freezer, change the cat's litter box, buy some cat food, go to the grocery store, do the laundry, cook dinner, keep Dad from hurting himself or anyone else, keep my mouth shut when I realize how few pairs of underwear are in the laundry, take care of my 12 year old nephew for the night and I Will Be Kind. To Dad, to my nephew, the dog, my son and even to me. I will breathe all day long. I will put one foot in front of the other all day long. I will look past Dad's frailties and deficiencies and focus on his heart - both literally and figuratively. I will just accept that I am surrounded by broken hearts in both the physical and emotional sense, and do whatever I can to comfort. Even myself. Maybe especially myself.
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